Week of Feb. 2 2014

Left: Joseph Michael Koch

Mr. Koch's learning disabilities argue for more help in local classrooms. He was busted for drugs 3 weeks ago. Now he's been arrested for a 3 month run of crimes at the end of last year. Cops say he gave "a woman a ride home at 3 a.m. on Oct. 18 and on his way out of her apartment, stealing her backpack containing keys, a wallet and a laptop. He also is accused of stealing checks from a vehicle Dec. 17 and filling them out to himself and cashing them. In another incident, he allegedly had his girlfriend deposit a fraudulent check into her account and then give him the cash. Koch was arrested on 24 counts that including theft, identity theft, forgery and computer crime"

Koch's crime illustrates the theory of a local lay psychologist, who asserts that individuals come to resemble their names (his favorite example is the famed local osteopath, Harry Oxenhandler). In this case, the billionaire Koch Brothers, aka "the Evil Twins" who have funded the Tea Party, the Heritage Institute, ALEC,and all sorts of other front groups to dupe the public into electing stooges who pass laws protecting the predatory practices of the pair.
And their own name may have been the source of all the trouble. It might have created monsters when adolescent schoolmates got hold of 2 boys whose name is pronounced like male genitalia.

In other predatory news, the Christian crime wave continued, with a major radio spokesperson for "prosperity christianity" being busted for running a Ponzi scheme that "bilked 38 people.. out of $6 million".
In Florida.
Of course.

   
Right: Jarod Stephen Wilson

Mr. Wilson was busted for attempted assault, an unacceptable behavior pattern no doubt. Meantime, after Obama's State of the Union speech, New York Republican Congressman Grimm was busy threatening to throw a reporter off the balcony when asked about corruption charges against him. He would, he threatened the reporter, "break him in half".

Mr. Grimm sums up the reasons for the changes in this column from focusing on the "low hanging fruits" like Mr. Wilson, at a time when  the laws are drawn up by thugs like Mr. Grimm. When the district attorney turns in outrage upon them, we will find a greater respect for the law on the streets.

And of course, we needn't go to New York or Washington D.C. to see the problem. While the cops are busy busting local pests for stealing $225 laptops, the governor has yet to have arrested, or even disciplined, his "managers" who collaborated with Oracle in stealing $225 MILLION in public funds, in a scam well-documented by the Oregonian, promising a web site which has never registered a single person for Oregon's health care. In fact, Kitzhaber has simply walked out when the subject is raised by reporters in interviews.

Elsewhere, in a country where poets can fill football stadiums, and yet where Tolstoy and Dostoevsky are revered, an argument about the relative merits of poetry and prose led to a fatal stabbing. Some crime will always have meaning.

Some doesn't. A woman in Roswell, New Mexico - yes, THAT Roswell - phoned in a 911 fake robbery report hoping the cop writing her a traffic ticket would drop the idea and rush off. Two women in southern California are being held for murder after participating in the beating death of a woman who accidentally "photo- bombed" their group camera shot and walked in front of the lens. An east coast guy is charged with kicking his wife around and trying to stab her cat after she bought some $1 freezer bags. A jury was reprimanded after a witness testified of a cow rejecting a man's attempt to copulate after he'd fellated her (The villain then approached a sheep).

Movie stars aren't faring well. Jason London finished his alcohol rehab classes. Hewas busted for trying to punch a bouncer. In the back of a police car, 'Jason uttered a homophobic slur to the cops ... saying, "Guess what fa**ot? I f***ing love this. I f***ing own you guys so hard. I'm rich and I'm a motherf***ing famous actor! F***ing look me up, b*tch."
Jason continued ... "It smells like s**t in your car and your breath smells like diarrhea." According to the police report, Jason then leaned to the left and crapped in his pants.'
Similarly, a petition to deport bubble gummers' idol Justin Bieber has now been signed by over 100,000 - the threshold that whitehouse. gov promises will will bring redress.
NBC's Brian Ross, famed for making up reports on auto safety struck and broke the arm of a taxi cab driver with his BMW.

The headlines from that Playland of the south, Florida, are as always dominated by crime and dumbness. 'Two men wanted for a host of charges attempted to flee authorities in North Florida by paddling away on a river for hours. And they would have gotten away with it, too, if the cops hadn't gotten their hands on one of those cutting-edge, go-fast "motor" boats.' A shipment of drugs offloaded in Miami today totaled over a ton of cocaine. A total of 55 bodies have now been found at a Florida prison for kids, which was finally shut down after being labeled a 'School of Horrors' with kids 'being locked in irons, put in solitary confinement, and raped by the school's employees". The employees will use the state's "Stand Your Ground" laws to justify it, no doubt. And of course the Christian crime wave made news as a Florida missionary was sentenced for raping children in the Amazon and filming it. Still, the Christians spent the day posing as being persecuted.

The mother of a top Republican staffer who killed himself after being busted for child porn released his suicide note online. The note details his being molested as a child, his high school fantasies and later activities, as well as his shame after the arrest.

Similarly, the news from our own neighbors in Linn County is as usual horrendous, dominated today by a 300 pound obese guy (think Walmart photos) trying to push his fat forearm against the throat of his girlfriend and killing her in doing so - despite his CPR attempts after calling 911.

Finally, the Denver Bronco's just gained about 3 billion haters when Totonto's crackhead mayor posed sorting a jersey. And he denied any connection to the murder of his sister's ex, despite reports of implications in a police report.

Right: Robert Lee Conn

Mr. Conn has been sentenced to a few days in jail for violating parole ("post-prison supervision". Cops say Mr. Conn, of Monroe and Albany, tried to elude them to keep his girlfriend from being busted for meth. Conn, they said "traveled up to 100 mph, skidded sideways and nearly crashed while turning east at the intersection with Alpine Cutoff Road. Shortly afterward, Conn nearly hit at least four children in the roadway while turning north onto Springhill Road, according to the affidavit. He then allegedly crashed into a fence and parked under his carport before he and his passenger, Devereaux, ran into their residence at 25449 Springhill Road and hid. After extensive searching, deputies located the two hiding among the insulation in the attic." Ms Devereaux has repeatedly left her mugshot at the sheriff's office, usually for meth- related crimes.

In other child-related crimes, the Christian crime epidemic was exposed anew, as cops busted a ring of Salvation Army majors. A number of "boys were frequently punched by the officers with closed fists, thrown on the ground with force or up against a wall” or caned and whipped with straps until they bled.
'One boy had his shoulder dislocated by an officer during a punishment which involved hitting his testicles with a leather strap. Two boys were locked in cages on a verandah,” he said. One boy had a 'hose (inserted) into his anus' and “was placed in a cage on the home’s verandah for a week' after complaining that another boy was abusing him. When he was released from the cage he was forcibly sodomised by (a) major. Other boys had detergent forcibly poured down their throats, were burned with cigarettes, or were forced to eat their own vomit, and one was dragged from his bed at night and raped by Major Lawrence Wilson — described by colleagues as a 'brutal and evil man'".

In other sex crime news, a Texas cop has been arrested for raping a woman he pulled over for a traffic stop. The outraged woman later raised the roof about the incident. In related news, Texas Republican candidates all agreed that bogus Christian creationism should be mandated for science in schools. for schools, and also that hospitals should be forced to keep a dead woman alive on life support so that her "badly deformed fetus" is delivered (and then abandoned, as Texas law encourages for the weak and helpless). Elsewhere, a Virginia preacher warned women against wearing clothing which can "outline [their bodies], to make it noticed, then it's sensual", and his god is "against sensuality". The Taliban could be heard shouting "Amen, brother!" The preacher did not, so far as is known, call for acid attacks on women.

However, in Indiana, a bizarre re-occurrence of the Christians' buildup to the Salem witch craft trials resulted in cops and officials engaged in an exorcism ritual.

Police are testing to see which of 90 cows turned terrorist and set off the explosion in a barn after methane levels from the cows' feeding had built up to dangerous levels. Happily, all survived but one was seared badly.

In other crime news, a reader reported a gang turf war had erupted outside his house in the midwest. UPS has no comment.

In more crime news from the South, a snake bite victim was handed a bill for $81,000 by a hospital after being treated with an anti-venom available online for $750.

In women's crime news from the South, the Justice Department has called an Alabama women's prison a torture center run by pervs, where guards have been "openly watching women shower or use the toilet,” as well as forcing inmates to perform sexual acts for them in exchange for “basic sanitary supplies,” while ignoring prisoners’ reports of mistreatment and instilling in them a fear of retaliation for doing so. That's after 18 years of being regularly advised of the crimes.

In other news of mayhem, Edward Snowden revealed in a television interview that .U.S. government officials had threatened him. "These people, and they are government officials, have said they would love to put a bullet in my head or poison me when I come out of the supermarket, and then watch as I die in the shower".

And on the subject of death, we should all pause to mark the passing of Pete Seeger. Personally, I'm not a fan of folk music, which Mr. Seeger did more to revive than any. But I'm a HUGE fan of anyone who stood up to the terror created in the Fifties by Republicans under Joe McCarthy. And Mr. Seeger did so.

Left: Alexander David True Bertsch

Mr. Bertsch is busted pretty regularly, this time for failing to show on a drug charge and a detainer for violating parole/ probation on an arson charge. Mr. Bertsch was busted in 2011 for setting a fire in the OSU computer center. At the time, he already had a long arrest record for trespassing, theft, robbery, etc.

In unrelated news, police have identified the man who took his own life in the covered picnic area at Willamette Park, in Corvallis, as Mike Elder, aged 61. Mr. Elder was beloved and respected for his competence by his friends and coworkers, and had faced economic hardship for some time after being let go at a local manufacturer several years previously, he said. He told friends that he was finding it difficult to find work due to age discrimination. He also had some depression over the unraveling of a marriage some time ago. He finally, it appears, just gave up. He will be missed.

Right: Bryan Duane Tilley

Mr. Tillman, cops say, was a concerned parent who disapproved of his OSU student's partying and new BBF. So he did, cops say, what any concerned parent would do. In fact he went the extra mile - you know, the deranged mile - cops say, hacking into her Twitter, Instagram and Facebook accounts. He then "posted photos to her Instagram account because she didn’t do what he asked. He also posted that it wasn’t an accident her roommate’s tire had been punctured, and that her tire would be next if she didn’t change her behavior. according to court documents. In addition, Tilley was accused of breaking into his stepdaughter’s apartment and pouring out a bottle of liquor." Mr. Tilley was charged with id theft, coercion, burglary, etc.

Of course, Mr. Tilley's computer crimes wasn't on nearly the scale of the government's NSA, which a federal watchdog said "has provided only “minimal” benefits in counterterrorism efforts, is illegal and should be shut down".

In other investigations, the U.S. Army's leadership is under fire again after a general wrote an email telling another officer that after meeting a Congresswoman, he masturbated "3 times over the past 2 hours".

In other, more serious sex crime news, the cops are finally going to investigate the rape of a University of Missouri swimmer by a football player  following an ESPN report on her suicide.

Left:Aditya Prakash Singh

But the militaries of the world had some awesome news today. 'Oh, you say you fly jets for the Air Force? Yeah, that's cool. Say, didja ever have the cockpit lights and most of your instruments go out on your aging MiG in the middle of a pitch-black night and have to land with a flashlight in your teeth?
Then, three months later,  you glide another fighter to the ground—from the backseat—after a bird struck its only engine and flamed the sucker out? No? Then sit the hell down and let Indian Air Force Wing Commander Aditya Prakash Singh show you how it's done...In any case, if you fear imminent death on airplanes, you should probably fly with Singh. If, on the other hand, you fear mind-dulling boredom on airplanes, you should fly with Singh, too!'

In other bullying crimes, federal prosecutors are examining how banks help predatory payday lenders bilk the poor for their own benefit. And a college student who wrote his Republican Congressman in support of legalizing pot found his Congressman threatening to contact a scholarship grantee to let them know the student "look[s] like nothing more than a college freshman who just wants to get high at any cost."

In other Republican drug news, Congressman Trey Radel, who was busted for cocaine possession, is resigning to spend more time doing- who- knows- what- but- we- can- guess, given his track record.

The Christian scamming of the public to fund  proselytizing kids with their superstitions continued this week, with literally hundreds of their charter schools swindling the public for "schools" teaching their creationist nonsense, which relies on the Flintstones cartoons as proof of dinosaurs and people co-existing.

In Corvallis, a guy woke up to find his car "covered in paint that was thrown and sprayed on it the previous night. The man believed his ex-girlfriend was responsible for the actions." In Arizona, perennial bully Sheriff Joseph Arpaio, fresh off of costing the County residents millions of dollars for his racial targeting, has decided to put on bread and water those inmates who didn't, in his opinion, show sufficient respect to the cheap miniature Chinese- made U.S. flags he had posted in their cells.

But of course, that was nothing compared to West Virginia, where Rodney Black gunned down 2 new neighbors. "Deputies say he admitted to shooting the two men because he thought they were trespassing on his property. Sheriff McComas says the land actually belonged to Garrick Hopkins. He had just purchased it and was showing his brother where he and his family were planning to build their new home in the coming weeks... Investigators said [Black] told dispatchers the two men were breaking into his shed, but sheriff's officials said the shed wasn't his."

In San Francisco, where attacks on the uber-rich if Silicon Valley continue, Tom Perkins - a gazillionaire who once killed a guy with his yacht - is whimpering that the focus on the extremism of the upper 1% is like the Nazi attacks on Germany's Jewish population. The nation's leading humor mag responded 'Yes, that’s a great question, Tom.Is it so unthinkable that cruel attacks on “techno geeks” in the local newspaper might lead to all of Silicon Valley being set on fire, 30,000 tech bros arrested, at least 91 slaughtered, and eventually, the rounding up 6 million little busy bees at Google and Facebook and Apple and forcing them into ovens?
Let us answer that question for you, Tom. The parallel of Nazi Germany and some people getting kind of annoyed by the tech bro dudes is exactly ZERO. If you don’t believe us, treat yourself to a trip to the Museum of the Holocaust, where you can see the grotesque photographs of all those millions of dead Jews, and not a single one of them wearing Google Glass. And let us give you another protip: The only thing that is like Nazi Germany is Nazi Germany. You and your fellow tech brethren are still perfectly free to Uber all around the Bay Area, sipping your craft cocktails and eating artisanal toast. No one is coming for you and your family and your money and your art collection and your teeth. No one is firing up the ovens, except to make you a $48 Chilean sea bass, because you probably don’t even care that they are endangered.
Schmuck.'

Elsewhere in the Bay area, 'We wish we could say we were surprised by the fact that pro football cheerleaders earn wages that make McDonald’s workers look well-compensated, but we aren’t. Finally, one squad — the Oakland Raiderettes — has stepped up and sued their team because they are as mad as hell and they just aren’t going to take it any more.' They're unionizing, like the football players once had to do.

And the insurance company of a 90 year old driver who was behind the wheel when 'the Cadigan twins and their 9-year-old brother were walking along Santa Cruz Avenue in Menlo Park when a BMW SUV with the license plate "EN ESQ" jumped on to the sidewalk, striking the twins', is now claiming that the twins "were engaged in behavior that was reckless, careless and negligent" - in other words, walking down the sidewalk. The incident "broke one twin's arm and left the other 6-year-old boy in critical condition; he was released from Stanford Hospital following a five-week stay and multiple surgeries."

And in Davos, Mr. Perkins' like minded gazillionaire's are gathered and the respected Economist has captured the scene: "We can say for certain that the average Davos delegate is the following things:
-Male.
-A Harvard graduate.
-A business person.
-A European.
And the companies that send delegates to Davos underperform the market as a whole. So we may say that the typical Davos delegate is a rich European Harvard grad businessman who's not even good at his job.
Imagine being snowed in with thousands of those dudes.

In other sad news, the 5th of the guys who played the "Marlboro Man" in ads of tobacco companies who knew the addiction was powerful and deadly, has succumbed to smoking- related disease.

 

Left: Frank Pena

Mr. Pena was busted for having a weapon, a sawed off rifle, as he is a fugitive from California, wanted for a parole violation on a robbery conviction.

Mr. Pena should have sold stock in himself. It might have paid off, like it did for JP Morgan's James Dimon. 'Of course he is, because share prices have increased and this is the only thing that really matters. Did JP Morgan, under Jamie Dimon’s watch, preside over a global financial crisis [which they helped create], enable Bernie Madoff to conduct a years-long pyramid scheme, and rack up billions of dollars in fines due to a multi-billion dollar trading fiasco executed by the so-called “London Whale,” along with earning what may be the largest fine in the history of American financial regulation? Did it also engage in reckless manipulation of energy prices and silver prices, launder money for drug cartels, and break securities laws in mortgage deals? Yes, it definitely did many of these things and probably did most of them, but this just means that Jamie Dimon was able to see the bank through “a difficult period” and thus deserves a raise'. And to ensure he can squirrel it away, Republicans have introduced legislation protecting offshore tax evasion for the rich.

In other economic crimes, Bayer today tried to fight in a court in India for its "right" to monopolize a lifesaving $69,000 per year cancer treatment in India by declaring that the treatment was never intended for the poor, but only "for western patients who can afford it".

In related news, the 2 doves released for peace by the new pontiff today were immediately savaged, respectively, by a crow and a gull. That only proves that predators without consciences can be found anywhere.

In other Christian news, a Republican candidate declared today that autism, dementia and hurricanes exist because her god is upset about gay rights. "God is angry. We are provoking him with abortions and same-sex marriage and civil unions".

Right: Faustino Cervantes Jiminez

Mr. Cervantes has been accused by the cops of menacing, domestic violence (assault), strangulation, and interference with the victim making a report.

In related news, the head of a non-profit promoting Motherhood has been arrested for beating his wife. Cops say he "hit his 51-year-old wife around the head and face then kicked her in the chest and abdomen as she lay on the floor." She took weeks to recover.

In the ongoing Christian crime spree across the country, the ACLU is suing a school for abuse of a schoolchild because he was a Buddhist. In other Christian news, a fundamentalist mayor has banned the play, the Abridged Version of the Bible as "blasphemous". And today, the right wing blogs are aghast at Sarah Silverman's new video about hanging out with Jesus.

In other news of loving spouses, a Florida man accused of immigration fraud wanted to play tapes he recorded of sex with his wife in court without her permission. "Why is the privacy of my wife important at this point? I'm facing jail time," he whined. He should be facing jail time for the whine alone, most observers believe.

In other bullying news. a New York Times book critic who panned the latest damning biography of Fox News' Roger Ailes has had her own credibility undermined by he dishonesty concerning her own 30 year relationship with one of Ailes' hand picked editors. Similarly, Pepsi's reliability was questioned when it was shown that Pepsi One has reportable levels of a known cancer causing 4-MeI, which the company fails to mention on the can. "Nuh uh", says Pepsi, swearing that people can only abide a third of a can of the swill before putting it aside, making the reportable levels just below the labeling requirements. For one third of a can.

And in the realm of snack foods (and mischievous kids), the account of a US Marine facing Norwegian children in a snowball fight is worth reading entire:
"In the U.S. Marines, doing a mock war in the Norwegian city of Trondheim with the Dutch, Germans and other allies, training in urban combat. My infantry unit was positioned in a large soccer field next to an elementary school. Keep in mind there was no actual combat, even simulated; it was mostly just practicing maneuvers and tactics. But we still looked out of place with weapons and gear, etc. It's fu*king February. In Norway. Cold as balls. Snow up to our knees. Norway obviously has no snow days, so the kids were all in school.

Anyway, so Norway has this most delicious and amazing delicacy, I have no idea what it's called, but it's basically a bacon-wrapped hot dog; we just assumed it was called Candy of the Lord. As Americans we were naturally and instantly addicted. You find them at gas stations, and there just happened to be one on the other side of the school where we were camped. A few of my fellow Marines and I requested permission to go to the gas station and we set out on our way.

We made it to right about where the main entrance of the school was, and the doors opened; school was out. There were only a few kids, probably 6 or 7 years old. Lots of talking and laughing. Gawking at us as we walked by, with our guns and huge ridiculous snow suits. One precocious little bugger made shooting noises at us. We made shooting noises back.

And then someone in my group. I don't know who. God help me I don't know who...

Someone threw a snowball and hit a little girl in the leg.

And those little Norwegian children unleashed hell.

There was a shrill cry in unintelligible gibberish and the doors to the school burst open. School children flooded out like a never-ending flood of something that never ends. Screeching, smiling, sprinting - how the fu*k were they sprinting?? - little bastards were slinging snowballs faster than the laws of physics should allow. It was like that movie Elf. If you can imagine riding in a fast car in a snowstorm and sticking your head out the window. Now imagine the snowflakes that are hitting your face are the size of snowballs. We couldn't fu*king see. We couldn't run. We could barely breathe. Holy fu*k....

We tried to return fire and threw one, maybe two half-packed, shitty snowballs that fell apart in the air, arms flailing like limp-wristed fairies. I am from Texas. We were a unit stationed in North Carolina. We were so outmatched and out of our element, it only made them laugh harder. We were cutoff from our main forces. We tried to perform a flanking maneuver but fu*k me they were fast. I think some of them were throwing rocks!

My comrades. I could see them speed waddling in their huge suits back to camp like a fu*ked up pair of white Teletubbies, under withering fire. Fu*k tactics, fu*k me, fu*k the Candy of the Lord, this was survival! I was the slow one in the group. My snowboots were too big but they were the smallest size they had at Issue goddammit!! My Marines left me behind.

I tried pulling my hood over my head and keeping my head down. No longer content to pelt my defenseless body with ballistic snow, the enemy swarmed me and dragged me down, cackling like a pack of hyenas descending on a wildebeest. I tried to sling them off by spinning. I came out of one of my boots and fell. I began to scream and plead for them to stop but they neither understood nor gave a single Nordic fu*k. They literally pinned me down with about five kids on each limb. It was then that I actually thought - oh shit. I'm really in trouble. My snow-mittens were ripped off and flung into trees. They started shoving snow down my suit. Have you ever had anyone drop an ice cube down your shirt?

Well now imagine someone shoveling handfuls of ice cubes down your shirt. It literally shocked the breath out of my body.

They left me laying like a Family Guy accident victim. Moaning and screaming in the cold. Rifle packed with snow and dirt. Boot buried some-fu*king-where. They ran away laughing, jabbering in their crazy language. I lay there trying to figure out just what in the great American fu*k had happened."

Left: April Lee Stahl

Ms. Stahl has been busted on 3 charges of theft. Ms Stahl was busted in December too, cops said, for trying to sell a disc golf bag tournament bag and 15 cds stolen from a car. A slow learner, she has been busted for theft again. Predictably, she was busted in Klamath Falls for meth.

In other crime news of thefts, the feds have finally made arrests of mob guys in the 1978 robbery of a Lufthansa flight made famous in the movie Goodfellas.  78 year old Vincent Asaro was busted not just for the theft but for murder related to it. One of Mr. Asaro's supervisors in the mob turns out to be an FBI informant.

In news of an even bigger heist, the crook out of Goldman Sachs who devised George Bush's bailout of the banks and "fixed" the frauds forking the public's cash over to the crooks, Neel Kashkari ("Cash & Carry"), has declared himself a candidate for the Republican nomination for California governor. Only he could 'survey a landscape rife with inequality, a shrinking middle class, and a 21.5% high school drop-out rate and think, “gee, I am exactly what the state of California needs right now'.
Remember the bank bailout? Sure you do, it involved the transfer of billions of taxpayer dollars to private banking institutions with no strings attached and no real regulations. We did this to punish them for wrecking the entire global economy, and now that they have been sufficiently chastised, they have promised to never, ever, do it again and we can all sleep much better. Won’t it be nice to go through all of that again? But just for Californians?
Kashkari is a multimillionaire but has said he does not have the wealth to self-fund a race. He announced a fundraising committee Tuesday that contained a handful of big-name GOP donors. Among the members of the committee are Emil Henry of New York City, who was a fundraising bundler 2012 Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney; Robert Day, the founder of TCW, a Los Angeles investment firm; Richard Roeder, the managing member of Vance Street Capital, a private equity firm; and Harry McMahon, vice chairman of Merrill Lynch.
Ha ha, of course he can’t afford to self-fund a race, don’t be silly — you do not become a multimillionaire by spending your own money; you become a multimillionaire by spending OTHER PEOPLE’s money. This is what Republicans call “fiscal responsibility,” duh.
Oh and the other Republican entering the race is a Tea Party Minutemen co-founder from Twin Peaks, who recently released an ad bragging about the size of his balls.This is the best the Republicans can do, you are asking? Yes, this is the best the Republicans can do. Enjoy your second or fifteenth term or whatever it is now, Jerry Brown.'
Compared t Kashkari, the indictment of Virginia's Republican governor is mere peanuts, although the list of his bribes makes Imelda Marcos, the mocked former First Lady of the Philippines look sad.

Local landlords beware. There is a killer on the loose.The bank accounts of the New York City slumlord whose half-burned body was found in a dumpster (the New York Post's headline was Who DIDN'T Want Him Dead?) have been found to be short $2 million.

Right: Rikki Diane Phillips

Ms Phillips has been sentenced to 10 days in jail for failing to register as a sex criminal.
That's a far cry from the cheerleading for Chris Barber led by Republican governor of Scott Walker as a symbol of the success of the Republican administration. Barber 'has had his probation revoked for two separate convictions, including a 2005 conviction on third-degree sexual assault charges. He has also been convicted of forgery, battery and drunk driving. His last drunk-driving conviction was in 2011.'
In related news, 3 months after the crime was reported, an Arkansas police lieutenant has finally been charged with raping a child who is a relative. In still more southern law enforcement news, a North Carolina cop who fired 10 bullets into an African American car accident victim has skated as a grand jury refused to indict him.

It's not just the South who are responsible for a level of school violence that has now reached every other day. There were others which never reached fruition. 'An eighth grader was arrested in Georgia last week after he brought a gun to school on consecutive days and robbed a classmate. On Tuesday, Portland (Georgia) police rushed to an area high school after a student was reportedly showing off his gun to a fellow classmate during lunch. And early on Wednesday four teenagers were arrested after they were seen pointing a gun at a school bus in Norfolk, Virginia.'
"While many schools have indeed introduced so-called 'school resource officers' in the last year, there is little evidence they are doing any good at all. Just about the only discernible impact of adding security officials into schools is a dramatic increase in the number of students arrested, sometimes for transgressions such as forgetting to wear a belt. More alarmingly, there have been instances of officers forgetting their guns inside bathrooms used by students or accidentally firing their guns inside of crowded high schools."

In other news bordering on violent crimes, a hurt Pulp Fiction director Quentin Tarantino has pulled out of a new film, the Hateful Eight, after the script was leaked online. The script is considered a major shift to serious film, say reviewers. And internet "revenge porn" king Hunter Moore has been busted. "Moore made a little repository for all the scumbags of the world to humiliate their exes for the crime of not loving them no more. Is that so wrong? Well, yes and no. Moore has tried for years to cloak himself in the magical shield of Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, which says that you are not on the hook for stuff submitted by users of a site... Turns out, though, that Moore was allegedly — see, we used the magical word “allegedly,” so we cool — actually kinda sorta going out and getting that content himself, which is a no no. On multiple occasions, Moore paid Evens to break into the email accounts of victims and steal nude photos to post on the website isanyoneup.com, according to the indictment.
We are unaware of any internet-related law that throws a magical shield over breaking into someone’s email, unless you are the government, in which case whatevs.
Thankfully, Hunter Moore is not the government. Hunter Moore is a despicable shell of a human being that should go to prison right away, but we do not wish for bad things to happen to him while in prison, because we are not those kind of people. Just keep him there with only the works of Dickens and Hawthorne, because that is some decidedly un-sexy reading material, for a few decades or so. Also, too, turns out his lawyer quit out on him a year ago after hearing Moore was being investigated by the Eff Bee Eye, so good luck fighting that indictment, scumbag."

The Keystone cops tragi-comedy of the Bart police in San Francisco has come to tragedy. 'BART cops, apparently tired of shooting at unarmed men and tasing children, are now shooting each other. '

But, in the gun violence crime to end all gun violence crimes, key English and French scholars today issued a notice that in future history texts will be updating WWI entries to reflect a revision of the deaths involved upward by a million. That's a perfectly appropriate announcement today, when the current representatives of the European aristocracy responsible for those deaths, is flourishing: a luxury ocean liner ghost ship, crewed only by a horde of diseased cannibal rats, is about to wash up on the English shore. " It has been nearly a year since the vessel was intentionally lost at sea by Canadian authorities who were happy to let the biohazard become another country's problem."

In other sea faring news on a much smaller scale, a California fisherman trying to save his beer and bait chest from a sneaker wave was sadly drowned as he chased it into the surf.

Left: Justin James Barker

Police say they responded to a call about a guy trespassing and arrived to find Mr. Barker screaming at some woman, and waving "a large knife over his head" as a police officer approached. He was charged with a violation of probation/parole, "first-degree trespass, unlawful use of a weapon, menacing, interfering with a peace officer, possession of methamphetamine and supplying contraband".

In the ongoing Christian crime wave, incidents varied from a reported shouting match about their bible, on Lily Avenue, to a murder/suicide following orgies at their International House of Prayer.


The news was dominated by techno related incidents, beginning with a SE 3rd St. incident, when a woman called the cops to say that "she was receiving unwanted Facebook messages from an acquaintance". Cops visited the friend to advise her not to keep posting, and the "acquaintance" asked for the same from the complainant.

Elsewhere on West Coast, in San Francisco where, as a local publication has phrased it, "people hate Google's guts", the now-normal attacks on the company's buses have continued, with 2 now stranded amid crowds in traffic. The attacks have begun to greatly enlist the city's creative arts community.

Today, the tech crime news was dominated by a secretive Wyoming firm, which illegally diverted 75% of all of China's internet traffic to itself somehow. The Wyoming address is a fake address for the firm.

In other Google- related news, a man wearing google-glasses has been hauled away from a movie theater by federal agents, on behalf of the media corporations. President Obama's cream puff speech on the NSA spying and his intended "reforms" has resulted in Google, Apple and other technology corporations launching a lobbying effort to put an end to it (without mentioning the fact that the NSA's interception of personal data PALES next to those of Google or Facebook.). The French, on the other hand are pledging to put $2 billion into thwarting cyber attacks by the NSA and others.
In Kiev (see photo below) today, the government has been using google's GPS to robo-call people in the vicinity of protests of dire consequences.
 

However, a young victim of a sex abuser who is not subject to consequences because of the statute of limitations, took technomatters in her own hands and used youtube as a mechanism of confronting her rueful abuser publicly on youtube. The victim's abuser, now a principal, has resigned.

Patent trolls are at it again, trying to blackmail android makers on a widely used technology they claim to own and in Texas - where they file their spurious claims - it's easy, since the locals on the jury can't even spell. The federal government colludes with them, granting a trademark for the word "candy" in any product name. Candy's origin is qandi, in ancient Persia.

And in the ultimate techno-crimes, Air Force officers now say that among officers in charge of the U.S.'s nuclear weapons, "cheating on the three monthly written tests—covering missile safety, code handling and launch procedures—was so commonplace that officers who declined to participate were the exception.".

And in the ultimate low tech innovation, the written word, a lost play of the brilliant Spanish dramatist Felix Lope de Vega has been found in Spain after 4 centuries and will be stage for the first time in 400 years.

Right: Steven Lawrence Thompson

Mr. Thompson has been busted on post-prison supervisory sanctions. He was convicted of burglary and attempted rape. Although his sex notification lists his targets as simply "females", his conditions include:
No contact with minors.
Not to frequent places where minors congregate (playgrounds, schools,
arcades, library).
Submit to polygraph examinations.
No pornography.
Successfully complete Sex Offender Treatment.
No direct or indirect contact with the victims.
Not to use or possess alcohol.
He was listed as living in a car on Division Street.

Right: Rebel Lee Tester

Mr. Tester is another Albany headliner, busted this time for failure to appear on fake id and credit card charges, meth, theft - the usual Linn County résumé.
In the context of credit card fraud, Mr. Tester's stupid bottom feeding pales by comparison to those of JP Morgan, whose "15 major felonies" are called "unprecedented in human history", and which will result in no charges against the individuals who pulled the vast caper off and made fortunes. "The best way to rob a bank is to own one".

It's just more of the same in a world where 7 dozen people own as much as 3.5 billion other people own altogether.
To ensure nothing changes for them, the Republicans ensured that ZERO money for regulation was included in the recent budget proposal.

In other enforcement news, there was the usual litany of a cop - actually a police chief - shooting himself while holstering a Glock. For the second time. Similarly, another Florida driver in a road rage confrontation shot himself in the leg. In still more policing news, a married Florida cop resigned after revelations the streak of 911 calls, followed by quick hangups and his being sent to do "welfare checks" at the addresses, were a plot by him and a lover to have sex trysts while he was on duty. The lover's husband turned them in.

And of course it's MLK day, so we have the usual suspects lining up to spew senseless bigotry. Sarah Palin once again leads the pack. A leading English politician was fired by his party fpr claiming that flooding at a local beach was because god disapproved of the country's tolerance of gay people.
A Michigan Republican leader said "What we’re gonna do is turn Detroit into an Indian reservation, where we herd all the Indians into the city, build a fence around it, and then throw in the blankets and the corn."  A Republican lawmaker in Pennsylvania is seeking to invalidate the state’s nondiscrimination law by adding a faith based amendment that would allow discrimination. A Republican school board in North Carolina is on the defensive after "a woman objected to a teacher rewarding a Black student with a replica" of a cap from the slavers' Confederate army. In Arizona, Republicans are pushing a bill allowing corporations to refuse to hire people who don't share their Christian views.

The mania even spread to the best friend of Fox News' Rupert Murdoch's ex-, Wendi Deng, as Russian oil billionairess Dasha Zhukova posed for a photo of her new chair, above, featuring an African servant as the stand.
But good news for Republicans too - David Vitter, the Louisiana Senator who prostitute told the world he loves wearing diapers - is planning on running for governor. Even the gossip blog Gawker sent congrats: 'Godspeed, Senator. Huggies from all the staff here. You're gonna have to press a lot of flesh, but we all believe in your quest to pamper the hard-working citizens of Louisiana. Oh and don't forget to stay away from hookers.'

Left: David Vitter

In the ongoing Christian crime wave, a " former Vatican accountant already under house arrest and on trial for alleged corruption and attempted money laundering has been notified of fresh charges against him". priest who grabbed a man's genitals at a local YMCA was arrested, and in other religious news, a Cambodian crowd executed a man they claimed to be a witch.

In Mexico, the cops who had been on the payroll of a local drug cartel until villagers armed themselves, instead "captured" the cartel head today. In other heart warming news, OfficeMax sent a $10 coupon to "Mike Seay, Daughter Killed In Car Crash, Or Current Business".

 

 

Jan. 23, 2014

   
Left: Frank Pena

Mr. Pena was busted, Corvallis cops say, as a fugitive wanted in California on a parole violation in a robbery case.
In other robbery news, a falcon trying to steal a camera shaped like an egg gave scientists an unexpected and spectacular close up of a penguin colony. If only our own low lifes were as useful.

In other animal news, Japanese fishermen have rounded up 250 dolphins for the annual slaughter they wage on the animals.

In other robberies, the Oregonian detailed today the multiple warnings issued by IT experts about the Cover Oregon web site, and the $200,000,000.00 Oracle stole from the public, without delivering the promised product. The 2 state managers responsible for assisting in the robbery have yet to be arrested, or even sanctioned.

In other law enforcement news, a police board has asked for a full report after it was discovered that a Toronto cop was strip searching hundreds, including jay walkers because he was trained to do so. In Utah, a cop gunned down 4 people then shot himself. In Oklahoma, a cop was busted after being found to have sold a colleague's gun to a felon.

The Christian crime wave continued today, with the arrest of a woman who stabbed her 4 kids in an "exorcism". 2 died.
In other crime news, the feds are finally charging Walmart for their abuse of employees. The firm's stores draw an average of $400,000.00 in public subsidies, in the form of food stamps and the like, for workers. It amounts to welfare for shoppers at the stores, and for the owners. It took center stage in Congress this week, as Senator Bernie Sanders began questioning the practice as Democrats began discussing acceding to Republican demands they cut food aid to the needy. "Why", asked Sanders, "should the public be subsidizing starvation wages at Walmart?"
In other corporate news bordering on the criminal (if the criminals weren't making the laws defining which antisocial behavior is a crime, the international Chamber of Commerce is pushing to get Obama's anti-democratic TPP (TransPacific Protocol, a larger version of NAFTA) "fast tracked" so no debate is necessary for implementation. Congressional backers of the plan are locking out constituents raising the issue with them locally.
In related news, Republican attempts to sell the public lands in Wisconsin to other nations hit a snag as a legislator reminded then of a 127 year old ban on doing so.

Elsewhere, legal news was all a little more optimistic. A North Carolina court junked a new law ordering intrusions for women who chose to terminate a pregnancy. An Oklahoma ban on gay people marrying was tossed. A cynical secret attempt by Republican law makers to pass a law reducing the child support of one of their millionaire bank rollers came to naught after being exposed by a blogger. A new report from the Catholic church shows that the so-called "Nazi pope", who retired early, took crime seriously and defrocked 400 priests accused of sex abuse. In Kiev, people showed their opinion of a ruthless new law outlawing protests as 100,000 rioted in the streets.

Right: Bryan Duane Tilley

Mr. Tilley has been charged with burglary, computer id theft, coercion, etc.
He's not the only criminal using computers today to steal ids. You know those automatic  Google Chrome updates that are so handy? It turns out that malware writers have been buying up Chrome extensions and automatically updating Chrome with their latest software. Those wacky Googlers just keep handing us new reasons to rely on Firefox.

But that's not the reason Google is now hiring armed guards for its buses in the By Area. That has to do with rent hikes and rioting due to gentrification by the company's employees. That might be an extreme reaction but Silicon Valley execs just keep bringing it on themselves, as in the case of Vinod Khosla, a billionaire from India who was CEO of Sun Microsystems and is now shutting down important public access to a California beach so he alone can enjoy it.

In other hacking news, the author of the software used to steal information on Target shoppers turned out today to be a simple program written by a 17 year old Russian youth. In another case detailed today, malicious hackers used TVs and even refrigerators connected to the internet to install malware on connected devices. And in still another instance, the credit agency, Experian, claiming its goal is to protect you from id theft is being accused of helping do just that.

In blogging news today, Alabama has tried to shut up a blogger who has been a buzzfly in the case of a former governor of Alabama's son. The state has jailed him. In still other "tele-communication" news and crimes, a Republican Congressman claimed to be "channeling" the thoughts of god on a law under discussion. His peers, instead of calling the people in white suits with restraints, claimed to be quaking. That "channeling" next door might explain the results of a new study which shows that evangelical Christians have the highest divorce rates in the country. More importantly, their neighbors develop higher rates than others too.
It wasn't just Christians making the crime columns today. The Jewish spiritual advisor of Madonna and Ashton Kutcher was slapped with a lawsuit today by a woman who claims he drugged then groped her and threatened to "fu*king kill" her of she told anyone. In related news, South Africa's health minister today accused Big Pharma firms in the U.S. of "orchestrating a satanic plot" with patent laws on life saving drugs.

In drug crime news, a Republican Congressman said of Mexican infants brought into the country without documentation that "For everyone who’s a valedictorian, there’s another 100 out there that weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert." His statement failed to bring on the usual Republican racist piling-on, with Republican John Boehner referring to his peer instead as an "as*hole". What, do you think, was the clue?
In Mexico, even mariachi musicians in small villages have traded in their instruments for guns to expel an infamous drug cartel and their police allies. They may make Anonymous look weak by comparison but the latter are sometimes more effective than armed fiddlers.

Left: Timothy Wayne Maine

Mr. Wayne has been accused by the cops of rape, coercion, sex abuse, and other hideous crimes. Details will be available later.

His is not the only story of sex crimes today. Some defy the imagination. 'So let’s say you’re a felon. A particularly not-nice sort of felon, like a Level One sex offender. Let’s say you are prohibited from owning guns because of your felony-ness. Should you go on a teevee show and display the large array of weapons you keep?' Nuh-uh, probably not. But Tyler Smith did, on the "reality tv" show, Doomsday Preppers, about the nation's balding, usually obese nuts waddling to show you the guns they've stockpiled to fondle and prepare for the end of the world. In addition to being a sex criminal with a 14 year old victim, Mr. Smith also was busted for stealing a motorcycle. America, meet the messiah who is prepared to lead you into the apocalypse - a larcenous pedophile.
In related news, the right wing CEO of Urban Outfitters who funded much of the campaign of super- Christian Rick Santorum's miserable presidential campaign, is today stocking  Paul Kwiatkowski's Every Day Was Overcast, "a sordid visual-textual novel about growing up in South Florida". It has photos of a 3 way sex escapade involving 2 women and a pig. No, not Santorum, a REAL pig.
In other Christian news of the criminal variety, a woman met a wonderful man on a Christian dating site, and like many of the men on Christian dating sites, he turned out to be a Nigerian living in Turkey who conned her for $500,000.00 in pension money. And a 47 year old woman decided her birthday was a perfect day to strut down the street sporting nothing but angel wings, in preparation for the Rapture.

And a Pacific Northwest legislator is trying to make it legal for Christians to kill kids by refusing them medical care. Finally, an Alabama pastor charged with murder in his wife's death was discovered to be planning to flee to Kazakhstan and then England to marry his new boyfriend.

The REAL property crime news today isn't the local woman whose own online dating partner was shipping her packages to be re-sent to others. It was the release of a new study from Columbia University showing "a shocking abuse of public trust" in 20 trillion dollars being hidden off shore by the rich in the U.S.

Lastly, there was a local woman whose cops say was trying to falsely charge that her 82 year old step father had assaulted her, but a cop said her "story had inconsistencies and she seemed only concerned about getting pain medication". She admitted the claim was phony.

Right: Sean Michael Gilbertson

Mr. Gilbertson is another Linn County resident, charged here with armed robbery of the Shell gas station on the north end of town, of $100.

In more significant robbery news, a millionaire Taco Bell owner, Raymond O'Dell, was caught stealing $200,000.00 from the public in his dead mom's Social Security, and $100,000.00 from his mom's public pension after she died more than 20 years ago. Mr. Gilbertson can expect to spend at least 5 years (for an average of $20 per year, considered very good wages in Linn County). Mr. O'Dell will probably just summon the Republican caucus into session and have his crime legalized.

Left: "On a Mission from God"

Sherriff's deputies were unavailable for a time, as they were too busy transporting a woman "on a mission from god" to a local hotel. An Adair woman had earlier met the woman and "said she could stay with her", but apparently began to feel uneasy with the woman and "changed her mind. The Adair woman agreed to pay for the hotel" and called the cops, who transported her and her imaginary, all-powerful friend to a local hotel.

In other Christian crime news, charter schools have become their favorite means of bilking the public into paying for the promulgation of their wacky creationist belief that the Flintstones are documentary evidence of dinosaurs and people co-existing. The charter schools are woeful, according to an Ohio report today. $7,000,000,000.00 later, 83 of the bottom 84 schools in the state are charter schools. 17 such schools failed in a single city and one, Life Skills, managed to have only a single student test as "proficient in reading and writing". Life Skills motto was "
“1 Awesome God / 2 Great Schools.” The school and $2,000,000.00 disappeared, as "“they moved out, as people say, in the dead of the night,” their landlord All Saints Catholic Church’s Father Carl Diederichs explained. In other educational news, the expensive consultant hired by North Carolina to look at the academic level of athletes there has been receiving death threats after reporting "third grade reading levels".

In other Christian crime news, "a secretive and powerful U.S.-based evangelical sect" called "the Fellowship" has been revealed as the source of a new set of laws which would send people to prison for having gay friends, or tenants or patients.

But crime news is not confined to Christian issues today. The U.S. returned 3 ancient Hindu statues to India, which had been stolen and sold to traffickers, in an attempt to cover up India's outrage over the arrest of an Indian diplomat over the abuse of her housemaid. Abuse of housemaids, like stealing statues and gang rape - another of which has occurred - is considered the norm in India.
And India is not the only source of criminal subculture. Cops today busted a child trafficking ring from the Philippines which was streaming live sex abuse of kids as young as six, often with the involvement of their parents. And in the U.S., Republicans are pushing a bill in Congress which would force the IRS to audit rape victims.
d it's not all been elsewhere. Here in the Northwest, a woman who was coerced by cops into saying she lied about being bound and raped - despite pictures at the time of the crime - has been awarded a 6 figure settlement. That pales beside the $1.6 million dollars a man received in New Mexico after being pulled over by cops. The police procedure will make you want to avoid Taos and Albuquerque for a few decades:
1. Eckert's abdominal area was x-rayed; no narcotics were found.
2. Doctors then performed an exam of Eckert's anus with their fingers; no narcotics were found.
3. Doctors performed a second exam of Eckert's anus with their fingers; no narcotics were found.
4. Doctors penetrated Eckert's anus to insert an enema. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.
5. Doctors penetrated Eckert's anus to insert an enema a second time. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.
6. Doctors penetrated Eckert's anus to insert an enema a third time. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.
7. Doctors then x-rayed Eckert again; no narcotics were found.
8. Doctors prepared Eckert for surgery, sedated him, and then performed a colonoscopy where a scope with a camera was inserted into Eckert's anus, rectum, colon, and large intestines. No narcotics were found.
Cops were joined by legislators. One, who had denied sexually harassing his staff, had his defense in the cases of 7 women deeply compromised when their lawyer released a video he had sent to 6 of them.

'And just so that those of you who never watch the videos (smart move!) won’t feel left out, here is the compelling play-by-play description by the NY Daily News: The video … shows the lawmaker from the shoulders up in what appears to be a bathroom stall. He grunts a few times and utters “yeah” before saying “Is this what you wanted?”

Right: Casey Edward Harjo

Cops are saying they busted Mr. Harjo for violating a restraining order. In Corvallis, there have been too many instances of such crimes resulting in some poor woman being battered nearly - or worse - to death, and it's regarded as serious.

Left: Dick Black

In some circles, Mr. Hanjo's crime is considered a virtue, those circles being among northern Virginia Republicans, where Congressional candidate Dick Black says he thinks men are entitled to rape their spouses, among other things, because "she's in a nightie"  etc.. In what he claimed was a campaign for library filters, he invited reporters to film him watching violent rape scenes in porn films. He voted to block a statue of Abe Lincoln because he didn't think "a statue of Abraham Lincoln belongs in Virginia". He defends rape in the Army, 'loves Army rape, because every 25-year-old is going to rape all the women, that is just human nature. Would you punish a bird for singing? Or a cow for being delicious? Or a man for raping all the women in his unit? You would not. Black had the perfect solution to Columbine and its successors: make children call teachers “ma’am” and “sir,” because the longhairedhippiefreaks counterculture LennyBruce were responsible for the children shooting all the guns. Black hates gay people so much and never wants them to adopt children because they are all too busy suiciding and alcoholicking to be parents, and also they shouldn’t get mortgages together because low-interest home loans “subsidizes adultery and sodomy.'
Those crazy Republicans, the joke that never stops giving up laughs... if you find Charles Manson sociopaths a source of humor. Some, like Bruce "the Boss" Springsteen just find them a perpetual source of song lyrics. His new song of New Jersey Republican governor's Chris Christie smashing up the bridge debuted on Fallon last night.

In other Republican news, the founder of a gay group of Republicans is quitting in despair, saying that being gay in the Republican Party is like "being the parent of a crack-addicted teen", a Party that might be "’ going to hold on to their bigotry to the bitter end". Oh NO! Bigotry in the Republican Party?! Heaven forbid!

In other crime news, it turns out that the US government has been in cahoots with Mexican drug cartels forever, confirming all those rumors of the CIA under Reagan being responsible for the crack cocaine epidemic that swept Los Angeles 35 years ago to fund right wing death squads in El Salvador, only to be replaced by cheaper meth addictions since. A Mexican newspaper has released evidence of "a secret agreement with the ruthless Mexican Sinaloa drug cartel that allowed it to operate with impunity... In exchange for information and assistance in quashing competing criminal syndicates, the Bush and Obama administrations let the Sinaloa cartel import tons of drugs into the United States while wiping out Sinaloa competitors and ensuring that its leaders would not be prosecuted for their long list of major crimes. Other revelations also point strongly to massive but clandestine U.S. government involvement in drug trafficking."

But  it's not been just newspapers turning people in for crimes today. Cops "stopped Guillermo Reyes at a routine checkpoint last week. When he rolled down his window, officers heard someone—or something—shout, "he's drunk, he's drunk." Sure enough, Mr. Reyes blew himself a DUII with a breath test. The informant was a pet parrot in the car.

The biggest crime news, as usual, wasn't crime news at all, because the perpetrators - like the Sinaloa cartel - have the clout to keep everything legal. For example, today, that paragon of Teabag Party politics, West Virginia, has yet to initiate any action to re-regulate the toxic waste industry which polluted the water of hundreds of thousands." State regulators didn't even know what crude MCHM was, or what health risks it posed, or how to treat it, until it was already in the water." In neghboring North Carolina, the Republican controlled legislature gave millionaires another huge tax cut, while raising taxes on nearly a million of the poorest working families. Today, the Supreme Court, source of public contempt anew after yesterday's ruling on behalf of Verizon, Comcast and the like, gave Monsanto a victory on the issue of whetherthe agro-monolith can sue farmers to stop them from collecting their on seeds if Monsanto crops have contaminated their fields. More of the same for the rich. Less for the working population and the poor.

In other techno crime news, a ne poll shows that all but only one one-hundredth of the world's climate scientists believe global warming is real and threatening. 58% of Republican Congressman DO NOT believe in it. It's a re-enactment of the magazine Continuum from the Nineties, a magazine devoted to denying the reality of AIDS and HIV, which closed when its editors, one by one, died of AIDS.

In the last bit of university news, researchers released the results of a study conducted on unsuspecting university students. " The study took 50 students, sent half of them to a low income, high crime neighborhood and the other half to an affluent neighborhood with little crime. The students in the study were not from either neighborhood, and did not know what the study was about. They were were dropped off by a taxi and told to deliver envelopes containing a packet of questions to a list of residential addresses."
'Hahahaha. *SCREECHING OF TIRES* "Here we are kid, South Central. Go 'deliver' these 'envelopes.'" *DOOR SLAMS, CAR PULLS OFF*
The scientists/ pranksters found that "those who went to the more dangerous neighborhood scored higher on measures of paranoia and lower on measures of trust.'
Nonetheless, it was up to a couple of "distrusting" partying students who had the compassion and courage to rescue a poor skunk whose head was trapped in a plastic cup. And with all the ups and downs you'd expect from a scenario, the pair PULLED IT OFF.

Left: Megan Katherine Courtney

Ms Courtney is another Linn County denizen and has been in the clutches of Corvallis cops numerous times in the past 6 months, this time for meth, theft, going into someone else's car, etc. She was busted at Christmas stealing Christmas packages as they came off of delivery trucks.

But let's talk about real crimes in this column. Ms Courtney's theft is a sad, very lame one, in comparison to those occurring in other little Republican holdouts like Linn County. Ne Jersey's Chris Christy, for example, is now facing charges of having diverted 10 million dollars meant for Hurricane Sandy victims to make TV specials on himself. He made himself an example for all the Megan Courtneys in the country to emulate. One news commentator said today that Christie is a "caricature of a Third World despot. He has a vicious temper, a propensity to bully and belittle those weaker than himself, an insatiable thirst for revenge against real or perceived enemies, and little respect for the law and, as recent events have made clear, for the truth. He is gripped by a bottomless hedonism that includes a demand for private jets, huge entourages, exclusive hotels and lavish meals. " You go, Megan. You'll get up there one day. But drop the car boosts and instead join the Republican Party. It pays off sooner and bigger than ordinary street crimes. And still gives the satisfaction of being a nasty, predatory career, if that's what appeals to you.

But understand, you'll still be a gofer, not for the little street corner meth dealers the cops are saying you serve by stealing spare change, but for corporation paying you more for your thefts. Republicans stacked the court for 25 years, beginning with Reagan, with corporate stooges and now it's paying off. The latest today was a ruling by a "judge" that the FCC's net neutrality is illegal, 'which basically means that soon you could have the sheer unbridled joy of paying Verizon for the privilege of getting to your email. Do you really want to take the glorious unfettered free wild west that is your Internet and instead convert it to some hellscape of metered service where you have to hope and pray you don’t blow through your data cap while downloading those pictures of the grandkids? Do you really want to sort through your Internet bill like you currently struggle through your phone bill, trying to figure out why your cellphone suddenly costs $500 per month instead of $100?'. That will just mean even more of the average person's meager resources are ending up in corporate profits. Not that they're hurting now.

But they have their problems too. Another guy with an English accent spent 15 minutes yesterday trying to explain how one more corporation (called, predictably, Freedom Industries) managed to wreck the water  supply of half a million. He was having a really rough day Friday and didn’t care who knew about his troubles. Here he is delicately dodging reporters’ questions, while drinking bottled water and generally being almost as oily as BP chief Tony Hayward, who just wanted his life back, the poor precious princess. Southern fretted that his voice was sore from all the talking he’d been doing, and said that it had been “an extremely hard day” for him. And now, because you’re monsters who don’t know how to empathize with the problems of rich polluters, you people are going to mock him for it, aren’t you, you unfeeling louts?' But Republicans worked soooo hard at making sure that polluters are no longer regulated - 23 years in this case. And today, working overtime they passed another bill gutting regulation of corporate polluters. Have you no empathy for them?

Oh, and about working overtime - that's so passé - didn't you notice Republicans want to do away with it and make it legal for you to work 24/7 ("voluntarily", of course). But starve, you lazy bums, said the GOP today to those laid off.

Right: Stephanie Marie Killian

Ms Killian has been busted on meth charges and on a parole/probation detainer. Ms Killian left her mug shot at the jail in March of last year, 5 times in April, again in August and now.
In other drug news, the governor of Vermont shocked every one in abandoning the usual "state of the state" format, focusing on the state's drug addiction issues. "What started as an OxyContin and prescription drug addiction [Big Pharma] problem in this state has now grown into a full-blown heroin crisis... We have lost the war on drugs. The notion that we can arrest our way out of this problem is yesterday's theory.
And, you know, the one thing Vermonters cherish is our quality of life, our safety, the fact that we're a state where we take care of each other, and that we know that our communities are safe and that we have a good quality of life. And this compromises it. So, as far as I'm concerned, this is one of the real battles that we're facing that we have got to win. And we have got to do that by changing the discussion and changing the policy, so that we say that what heroin addicts and folks that are addicted to opiates are facing is a public health issue, not a crime issue. And we have got to be willing to fight it from that vantage point.

In related news, an investigation of 2 nuclear weapons officers regarding drug use has now expanded to 10 Air Force officers.

Left: Terry Eugene Kruh

Mr. Kruh was busted as a fugitive from Kansas, and with 2 counts of nonsupport for his kids. He just didn't have the money that Republican bankroller Michael Eisenga has. Eisenga couldn't get a judge to cut his child support so he just summoned Republicans in the legislature to write a bill doing just that. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Or a child.

It's been a day of news related to nonsupport for kids. Remember Republican Congressman Jack Kingston, who demanded poor kids sweep cafeterias in exchange for a free hot lunch? 'This comment made some Georgia teevee people feel sad, and rightly so! So they decided to investigate how many times Jack Kingston (R-Fatcat) eats for free. How much times? All the times. “Kingston and his staff expensed nearly $4200 in meals for business purposes to his congressional office, paid for by the American taxpayer,” WSAV 3′s Dan Kartunen reported. The amount could have purchased nearly 2,000 Georgia school lunches. WSAV also found that Kingston also racked up $4,289 of free meals paid for by third-party groups like the Georgia Bankers Association and the Congressional Institute. Kingston has also travelled to a handful of continents on congressional business racking up $24,313 in costs. Those expenses include more than just meals. What’s more, Kingston also expensed $145,391 worth of meals for campaign events.'

And 'If you’re a K-12 teacher in the state of Nevada", where Congressional support of schoolchildren has fallen to the lows enjoyed by everyone else, you know that keeping the classroom supply cabinet fully-stocked can be costly,” reads the email SSSCU sent to its members. “To help you purchase the materials you need beyond what the school’s budget may provide we’ve created a low-interest Classroom Supply Loan especially for you.
Is this real life? We bet that your job supplies you with the basics you need for said job — pens, desks, running water — and does not just throw you to the wolves and hope that you have those things. More to the point, your job probably doesn’t involve making sure little children have pens, desks, and running water, which you are damn sure going to buy because you are not just going to stand there and teach a class with no supplies because you actually care about this. Contrast this to certain state government types, who seem to think that school children are just moochers who need to get an earlier start on working the factory floor.' If we ever have factories again.

And figures released today show that the biggest sector of the population getting public tax dollars aren't the 40% of kids who fell into poverty level this year." The top 20 percent of Americans receive a whopping 66 percent of tax expenditures".

But most of the kid news in the courts today weren't about schools or food or even dead beat dads. It was technology. The corrupt Catholics appointed by Republicans of the past to the Supreme Court have decided to be the deciders in a case ABC has pursued against internet TV firm Aero. Democrat Senator Leahy is trying to sneak in another of his "control- the- internet" scenarios with an an alleged "anti-hacking" law which would make a serious crime of even mentioning the topic. And Congress is trying to give Obama the power to "fast track" dumb laws like TPP, allowing corporations to run rough shod over every internet user and local laws. Speaking of which - got a Google+ account? Starting tonight, they will use your likeness in ads, as they choose. And ATT is trying to turn your phone into a spam machine, like it or not. Ford, on the other hand, claims its GPS system is tracking bad drivers. But some are fighting back. Across New Hampshire, friends of Aaron Schwartz are marching on the anniversary of his being driven to his death by MIT and the Obama administration. And across the world, it's not new technology but old which will be mesmerizing people across the globe as a long censored 1946 film by Alfred Hitchcock on the Holocaust is broadcast for the first time.

In one final bit of kid news, let's all take a moment to remember the brave little kid, Aitzaz Hassan, who threw himself on a suicide bomber at the gates of his school in Pakistan, "saving the lives of hundreds of his fellow students". His dad spent the afternoon, not in the usual trash talking of American Tea Party types who "woulda" or "shoulda" done this or that. Instead, his dad expressed his awe of, and appreciation for the self-sacrifice his young son had made.


Week of Dec. 24, 2013

Above left and right: Ryan Aaron Aumiller  and Christopher James Perry

Mr. Aumiller was busted for biting a woman in an Alsea cafe, cops say. No word on whether he was overly hungry, underly schooled in romance or simply insane. Mr. Perry was busted in Alsea too, for breaking down a woman's door and assaulting her in front of her kid.

There are people who've never been taught that breaking up is hard to do, that you've just got to let go, and live with the pain. And it's not confined to little backwaters like Alsea this week. Today, cops say, a woman who was asked to move her things out returned while her soon- to- be- ex was at work and "put rat poison pellets in Joshua Brewster's coffee container, tucked an electric blanket's cord she had severed under his mattress and urinated in his bottle of mouthwash". That's some nasty stuff.

And of course, there's the usual holiday joy in play, as another Christmas spirit slugged his mother repeatedly because she didn't have an ornament with his name on it to hang on the family tree.

But not all the assaulters in the news this week were stunted little punks trying to find their nonexistent manhood by beating up weaker people. The highly respected World Boxing Heavyweight Champion of the world, Vitali Klitschk, resigned his title today to take up the cause of the Opposition in the strife torn Ukraine.

And at times the victims fought back, and they weren't all two footed, as in the case of an obese woman walking her dog who decided to try terrorizing a neighbor's cat.

But for some, the news is not so good. Harold Camping, the latest of a long line of Christian hucksters proclaiming the imminent of the world was called off the planet entirely, dying today after a fall. "Camping's most widely spread prediction was that the Rapture would happen on May 21, 2011. His independent Christian media empire spent millions of dollars from donations made by followers who quit their jobs and sold all their possessions - to spread the word on more than 5,000 billboards and 20 RVs plastered with the Judgment Day message.

When the Judgment Day he foresaw did not materialize, the preacher revised his prophecy, saying he had been off by five months. The preacher, who suffered a stroke three weeks after the May prediction failed, said the light dawned on him that instead of the biblical Rapture in which the faithful would be swept up to the heavens, the date had instead been a "spiritual" Judgment Day, which placed the entire world under Christ's judgment.

But after the cataclysmic event did not occur in October either, Camping acknowledged his apocalyptic prophecy had been wrong and posted a letter on his ministry's site telling his followers he had no evidence the world would end anytime soon." Suprise, surprise! And yet, for Mr. Camping, it all came to an end today, alas.

Right: Alexander David Drue Bertsch

Mr. Bertsch is this week's winner of the Dusty Risland Clinic scholarship (see below). He has been repeatedly busted, for robbery, burglary, theft, arson and now drugs.

These small time criminals like Mr. Bertsch will maybe some day get a clue and realize that they're working for less than minimum wage in their petty crimes. If you’re really determined to steal, here’s a lesson from the EPA’s highest-paid employee - just stealing by slacking off: No sense just spending the occasional afternoon ..farting around upgrading your virtual rutabaga farm on RutabagaFarm AdventureVille. That’s chump-level slacking. No, if you’re going to defraud your employer, you want to go the route of John C. Beale, who told his bosses at the EPA that he couldn’t do his assigned job because he was on assignment for the CIA in Pakistan. And somehow, nobody checked up on him. Beale pleaded guilty to defrauding the government of almost $900,000 in pay and benefits since 2000. The hell with slipping some post-its into your pocket — Beale was a man with big dreams and a can-do attitude toward fraud, in addition to a don’t-wanna-do attitude toward his actual job.

At least he had a pretend-job. Some don't even go to that effort. The six idle Walton heirs (Walmart), who rely on public subsidies of $400,000.00 per store for their underpaid employees, own as much as 42% of the rest of the country combined. The steady diversion of middle class income to the rich which has taken place since the Republicans of the 1980's, is nearing total success. Whoopee!

But there are rays of light amid all the gloom. Lincoln Electric, for example has released their figures for the past year:
80: uninterrupted years of paying an employee bonus (i.e. profitable every year since 1934)
$33,029: average 2013 bonus per U.S. employee (roughly 3,000 employees)
$81,366: average 2013 total earnings per U.S. employee (wages or salary + bonus)
$100.7 million: total pre-tax profit shared with employees, Lincoln's largest bonus pool ever
0: number of layoffs in 2013 (that makes 65 years without any layoffs)

And even more light in the tunnel: the manager who exposed the stacked "no bid" contract awarded to former Vice-President Cheney's corporation (by Cheney), Halliburton, only to be demoted, has at long last won $970,000.00 for the whistle blowing retaliation. Of course, that money also comes from the public, not Cheney. The usual Republican claptrap about "personal responsibility" fades when it comes to crooks. As most of them seem to be. New Jersey's Republican gov. Christie, for example, has been exposed as having shut down traffic on an interstate as vengeance for a local mayor not endorsing him, and has been caught hiring a buddy for more than a hundred thousand a year, with no qualifications, to do the dirty work.

Left: Rebel Lee Tester

Mr. Tester has been repeatedly busted for not showing up for court on charges and likely will do it this time, when he's been busted for theft, meth, using credit cards, etc. Since his failure to appear was lodged in Linn County, we can conclude he at least hangs out there, if he doesn't hail from there (he probably does). Mr. Tester and the rest of Linn County need to wise up and learn that there are better ways to get rid of your lucre than using it to try getting a Red Box movie. We were going to skip the New York Times this morning because really, how many times can we yell about Thomas Friedman (ok, all of the times) and threaten to eat the rich? Even our bloodlust eventually wanes. Then we remembered we live somewhere really f..king cold and the newspaper guy had brought us the Times anyway and ...we felt guilt and read the New York Times. The things we do for you and the newspaper guy.
Before we get to our usual surprise and dismay about how much of the monies rich people can spend on keeping giant gold-plated roofs over their heads, we should first take a gander at how the rich stay rich. Hard work, probably? Haha no you are A Idiot. The rich stay rich because they hide all their money.
"[T]hanks to a recently released trove of documents, it’s become clear that hundreds of wealthy people have stashed their money [in the Cook Islands], including a felon who ran a $7 billion Ponzi scheme and the doctor who lost his license in the Octomom case.[...] The Cooks are a global pioneer in offshore asset-protection trusts, with laws devised to protect foreigners’ assets from legal claims in their home countries.[...] The Cook Islands offer a different form of secrecy. The long arm of United States law does not reach there. The Cooks generally disregard foreign court orders, making it easier to keep assets from creditors, or anyone else." Next time Tester. head for the Cooks with stolen credit cards. But you don't need our rants anymore about the inequities rampant today. We can just print the pope's speeches. He has better writers.

That is just the leading headline on how the rich are ripping the country off and legalizing it. And that of course is a grand way of mentioning that a grand man, Peter O'Toole, who starred in the Ruling Class as well as Lawrence of Arabia, has left the planet, to the loss of said planet.

Mr. O'Toole was not our only loss today. Audrey Totter, the film noir actress of Raymond Chandler's classic Lady in the Lake, passed today as well. Her B-movies may not have been of the caliber of O'Tooles, but she worked in an era when women weren't offered roles like Lawrence of Arabia. The news seems to have triggered a wave of Hollywood die-offs, with Alfred Hitchcock's favorite actress Joan Fontaine and Tom Laughlin, of the commercially most successful movie of all time ("Billy Jack"), dying today as well.

About what that fake, violent schizophrenic "sign language interpreter" was REALLY doing with his hands at Mandela's memorial:  Enough said.

Right: Nathan Thomas Downey

Mr. Downey is another gift from Albany, Oregon. He has been busted on kidnapping, assault, harassment charges. He was last busted in Corvallis in August, rifling through other people's cars, cops said, and he led the police on a chase at 100 mph. The city has been plagued recently by car thefts. That can only mean that school is cancelled in Albany and their children are helping out their dads in his line of work in preparation for the holidays. That line of work is, of course - it's Albany, isn't it? - burglary.

In the wake of revelations that a leading Pacific Northwest Republican legislator was convicted of rape charges in Florida some years ago, and is yet allowed to carry a gun because of his position, comes news that Republican Senator Lamar Alexander’s chief of staff, Ryan Loskarn, is the subject of a child pornography investigation. Loskarn was taken away from his home in handcuffs this morning while agents from the Postal Service searched his home. Yick. Anyway, Alexander immediately placed Loskarn on administrative leave without pay and said his office would fully cooperate with investigators, which of course is what you should do in a situation like this. Better yet, it would be a good idea for Republicans to go back to their previous methods of soliciting sex - from adult strangers  - under the dividers in public bathrooms. As for Mark Patterson, the Republican rapist in Idaho, he owns a factory in Boise with the unlikely name of Rock 'N' Roll Lubricants. A fellow Republican in Idaho has expressed concern about Patterson carrying a gun. "His reaction to the situation has been aggressive", he said.  Surprise, surprise. Patterson was ordered to leave Florida. Thanks a lot, Florida. Just keep your refuse, please. We have enough of yours here already.

At least, so far, he's not pulling the rich- as- sin (literally) card which has been in play all week. Ethan Couch, who stole his alcohol with friends from Walmart (natch!) and who drunkenly killed four people got probation this week because the judge — with no apparent irony — agreed with the boy's defense that he was a victim of "affluenza," whose parents taught him taht wealth and privilege shield consequences.

Left: Ethan Couch

The teen had faced up to twenty years in prison. Couch's defense was that he was a victim of his parents' wealth and privilege; in that he never had to face consequences, which an expert summarized prior to sentencing. The "expert" said Couch got whatever he wanted. As an example, Miller said Couch's parents gave no punishment after police ticketed the then-15-year-old when he was found in a parked pickup with a passed out, naked 14-year-old in the vehicle. And so, once again, the rich get a pass. It's not just the killer who should be thrown into the hoosegow, but his parents, and the judge should be there too. The husband and father whose family was killed said “That’s the incredible thing, He has prior experiences with alcohol and the law. This is not his first offense. So you have a multiple offender who has killed four people who is not going to spend any time in jail — simply because, it seems to me, his family has money.”

Left: Maria Patricia Meracle

Here, cops say a woman parked her Porsche in 2 parking paces, just inches from the driver's door of a Mercedes parked in the next lot. "The Mercedes driver reported that when she mentioned the parking job to [Maria] Meracle, the 53-year-old began yelling and cursing about how the Mercedes was parked, the report said. Meracle then wrote on the Mercedes' driver side window with red lipstick, the report said. Officers found part of the lipstick-written message smeared on the window and another part 'talked about parking.' The other driver got into the Mercedes as Meracle continued yelling and cursing, the report said. The Mercedes driver threatened to call police. Meracle yelled back that 'she was rich and the police couldn't do anything,' the report said." You can't blame her for telling the truth. An ugly truth, but a truth nonetheless.

A French coffee shop has decided to address this problem of rudeness, which could easily spread from the rich to the mainstream cream of society if left unchecked.

Taking a firm stand against discourteous customers, one coffeehouse has decided to charge its patrons based on how polite they are to employees.
"A coffee, please" will cost you a middle-of-the-road €4.25 ($5.85). Drop the "please," and you'll find yourself paying a whopping €7 ($9.65) for a cup. But add a simple "bonjour," and you'll find yourself shelling just €1.40 ($1.95) for your morning joe. "I know people say that French service can be rude but it's also true that customers can be rude when they’re busy," shop owner Fabrice Pepino told The Local. "It's our way of saying 'keep calm and carry on.'" What started out as a joke to poke fun at the stressed-out lunchtime crowd has had an amazing effect on people's politeness levels, Pepino said. "Most of my customers are regulars and they just see the funny side and exaggerate their politeness," he told the site. "They started calling me 'your greatness' when they saw the sign."

Left: Trevor Lee Gilman

Mr. Gilman appears to be from Umatilla County, where he dropped his mugshot earlier this year for a probation violation. This time around, he was busted for coercion, domestic violence (coercion), kidnapping, assault and another pv hold from Umatilla/ Morrow counties. Cops say Gilman beat his girlfriend and then, when she tried to leave, forced her into a car.

It shouldn't be any surprise that these little Republican hell holes like Morrow and Umatilla counties are cranking out criminals convinced that no one matters but themselves. In Texas today, a guy pulled a sword and threatened a waitress that "he wanted his free tacos or somebody was going to die", cops say. A Florida woman set her ex's place on fire as she was attempting to "get closure" on the relationship, the cops say. In North Carolina, a leading Republican legislator was busted for the fourth time, passed out drunk in the middle of an intersection. Previous arrests for the teabag Party favorite include drugs and domestic violence. You expected maybe something else? From a Party whose spokesman Darrel Issa has had "one run-in with the law after another, including arrests and indictments. There are also many suspected crimes — he’s accused of deliberately burning down a building and threatening a former employee with a gun". Issa also had a " car accident with a woman who needed to be hospitalized. He drove away before the police could arrive because, as he told the person he hit, he didn’t have time to wait. Issa didn’t face charges, but he was sued over the matter, and agreed to an out-of-court settlement." Leading by example. Charles Manson's example.

We are still having sads that Nelson Mandela, who was a far better human being than all of us combined times 12, died on Thursday. He was a genuine, good-hearted badass who pissed off all the right people. Ronald Reagan? Check. Dick Cheney? Check. Jesse Helms? Check. And he was also a genuine, good-hearted feminist badass, as Erin Gloria Ryan femsplained at Jezebel. He fought for a Women’s Bill of Rights. He fought for free health care for children and pre- and post-natal care for their mothers. Also too this:
Mandela was key in promoting the adoption of the Constitution of the Republic of South Africa in 1997, which contained passages guaranteeing gender equality and prohibiting sexual discrimination.
"South Africa’s new abortion law passed its final legislative hurdle today, clearing the way for President Nelson Mandela to replace one of the world’s toughest abortion laws with one of the most liberal.
The bill will cancel an existing law allowing abortion only in the case of rape, incest or immediate danger to the mother’s mental or physical health. Under the new law, women and girls will be entitled to a state-financed abortion on demand during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy if they have no private medical insurance, and, subject to widely defined conditions, for a further eight weeks."
We don’t really have any jokes to make about this because we are basically just in awe of his awesomeness. While the whole world (okay, except for wingnut commenters, but what can you expect from them?) is being mostly gracious and humble about Mandela’s passing and saying — rightly — that he was a great role model and an inspiration, we hope that’s actually true and that what he actually did and believed and said might serve as an actual example for other leaders to actually follow. Just a thought.

Left: Derek Matthew Hill

Cops say Mr. Hill was charged on 2 counts of attempted assault and charged with trying to prevent the reporting of his crime.
Trying to prevent reporting of crimes seems to be endemic. The Obama administration is setting records for charging whistle blowers on crime with espionage charges these days. And those same whistle blowers are telling Edward Snowden that whatever he does, he should never come home.

Left: Blake Douglas Mitchell

Cops have charged that Mr. Mitchell is a junkie busted for heroin, theft, and burglary. An article announcing his impending wedding in 2011 says he's from Albany, worked in Philomath. 2 strikes, bad combination, etc.

Left: Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela passed away, at age 95. The world would have been a better place if he had lived even longer, but was blessed by the presence of the man. Mr. Mandela deserved a place on this page and as a pardoned prisoner, sentenced to life in prison, this column seemed as appropriate a place as any.
His imprisonment by a vicious racist regime accomplished nothing for his opponents. Their devotion to the concept of white supremacy lasted no longer than of he had never been seized. The attempts of Republican legislators to head off economic pressure for his release and the equal treatment of the South African majority failed to halt the shedding of investments in the apartheid regime., Similarly the veto of Ronald Reagan fell flat. There are fossils like Dick Cheney who defend their efforts to keep Mr. Mandela jailed. Their efforts were little more than spitting in the wind. Mr. Mandela's character dwarfed their own, and carried the day with most Americans. Most of us recognized, in the U.S., that the people running the sho in the apartheid regime, were the ones ho belonged in the prisons. actions of Cheney and Reagan marked the beginning of an era in which the same became true for the U.S.

Right: Sherri Irene Gradberg
Ms Gradberg has been sentenced to 4 days on child neglect charges. Ms Gradberg was on Polk County's Most Wanted list 2 years ago for child neglect. She was busted in November for parole/probation violation on child neglect charges.
While the cops are rightfully pursuing Ms Gradberg, there are far greater criminals escaping with their crimes. The gang from GE Capital who robbed American cities by rigging municipal bond sales , and was called by Rolling Stone  "the reigning American crime syndicate, which now operates not out of Little Italy and Las Vegas, but out of Wall Street".They have skated after "robbing billions of dollars". Far greater harm has been done to the children of this city by GE Capital than by all the Gradbergs combined. This comes at a time when a new report shows that tellers at the big banking firms are being paid worse than ever, with one in three tellers now requiring public assistance. That assistance money is necessary for the children, but it could be better spent on kids if the banks were paying their employees living wages and the money going to feed and house them instead were free to be spent on schools and other services
. It's a way of life for U.S. business today. While the CEO of Pizza Hut, KFC and Taco Bell (Yum brands) is raking in almost $100,000,000.00 a year while the public is paying $650,000,000.00 in assistance to the firm's 400,000 employees. To say nothing of Walmart, where the average store sucks $400,000.00 in public assistance out of the community so that 6 Waltons can have the combined wealth of 30% of the population. You can't blame the cops. They'd be enforcing the law if it were there. The criminals are making the laws, running the government. So there are no laws against their own rapaciousness.
 

Oh, and Walmart is ponying up with lawyers for the 30 managers facing bribery charges.

But at least the local cops are investigating child neglect. In Arizona, where nut cases in the Tea Party are in charge, 6000 cases of child abuse - abuse not mere neglect - lapsed in forgotten cabinets. We know how it goes, sometimes you get a little bogged down in your work: that movie review took forever to come together, you forgot that the Tumblr needed to be updated, you had to clean up a lot of pixelly edges when you added Derpy Hooves to yet another photo of a Republican. Things get misplaced in the shuffle sometimes, like your rent check or your kid’s birthday present. Or your kid. Then again, when we screw up at our job, that usually just means that commenters have to wait a while for the next dick joke to drop. If you’re Arizona Child Protective Services and you screw up your job, it's normal under current leadership.
Clarence Carter, director of the Department of Economic Security, which oversees CPS, revealed last week that more than 6,000 reports generated by the state’s child abuse hotline hadn’t been investigated since 2009, most in the past 20 months. The CPS plan to clear those reports was released early this week has been widely panned as inadequate and short on specifics.

Left:  Joshua John Leroy Reith

Mr. Reith is an unemployed extra from the movie set of Dumb and Dumber, caught wheeling a cart full of electronic equipment cops say he had just stolen - on Thanksgiving - from the Presbyterian church, and was wheeling down the street. Mr. Reif as recently released from Benton County jail for theft, burglary and meth. He pled not guilty on those charges. He is already on probation on other charges.
It's been a week for news of low life thieves, most relying on using the laws they've sponsored. Mr. Reith doesn't have the clout of politicians or corporations or preachers. Otherwise we'd have a law making it legal for meth addicts to steal from Presbyterians on Thanksgiving Day. Same as the others did who made headlines this week.
1. The Reverend Paul Crouch has died. He was 79. He leaves his beloved wife, Jan, his beloved jet, his beloved pair of mansions in Newport Beach, California, and his beloved Trinity Broadcast Network, where the Reverend and the missus explained to their adoring audience the everlasting life that would be theirs if they just sent their pension checks to Jesus.
2. And Republican Congressman, of New Mexico, Steve Pearce recently named one of Congress’ richest members, has used his taxpayer-funded office accounts at least 30 times to reimburse himself for meals and other food and beverages while also voting to cut millions in food stamp aid for his constituents who live in one of the poorest districts in the country.
3. A new report reveals that fast food companies are pocketing massive taxpayer subsidies for CEO pay while working to keep low-level workers' wages so low that many must rely on public assistance.These CEO pay subsidies are the result of a loophole that allows firms to deduct unlimited amounts from their income taxes for the cost of stock options, certain stock grants, and other forms of so-called “performance pay” for top executives. Put simply: the more corporations pay their CEOs, the less they pay in federal taxes. And ordinary taxpayers wind up footing the bill.
During the past two years, the CEOs of the top six publicly held fast food chains pocketed more than $183 million in fully deductible "performance pay," lowering their companies’ IRS bills by an estimated $64 million.
4. The average price, by the way, of a single stitch from a doctor is now $500.00.
5. And this year, the Republican governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, has urged parents to skip the toys for their kids and instead send him the money.

Right: Garth Risand

Mr. Risland is back in jail for the umpteenth time, at the same time as Dusty Risland has been sent to prison, Both the Rislands have been involved in one unimaginative crime after another, stealing some petty little item to support a drug habit. Tyson Risland has a similar record. These poor slobs never had a chance. Their parents were sleazeballs from before they were born, as the record shows. It almost makes you feel sorry for these losers, which accounts why courts have been reluctant to remove them from the streets permanently. Every time they're busted, the cops should probably be jailing the parents instead. From the appeals court "FILED: August 14, 2002

IN THE COURT OF APPEALS OF THE STATE OF OREGON

In the Matter of Tyson Risland,
a Minor Child.

STATE ex rel JUVENILE DEPARTMENT
OF BENTON COUNTY,

Respondent,

v.

GARTH RISLAND,

Appellant.

In the Matter of Tyson Risland,
a Minor Child.

STATE ex rel JUVENILE DEPARTMENT
OF BENTON COUNTY,

Respondent,

v.

CHARLOTTE RISLAND,

Appellant.

2547, 2547; A111914 (Control), A113152
(Cases Consolidated)

Appeal from Circuit Court, Benton County.

Robert Gardner, Judge.

Argued and submitted June 26, 2002.

George W. Kelly argued the cause and filed the brief for appellant Garth Risland.

James A. Palmer filed the brief for appellant Charlotte Risland.

Michael C. Livingston, Assistant Attorney General, argued the cause for respondent. With him on the briefs were Hardy Myers, Attorney General, and Michael D. Reynolds, Solicitor General.

Before Landau, Presiding Judge, and Deits, Chief Judge, and Brewer, Judge.

BREWER, J.

Affirmed.

BREWER, J.

Father and mother appeal from a judgment that established juvenile dependency jurisdiction and included a dispositional order with respect to their nine-year-old son (child). The parents contend that the evidence at the dispositional hearing was insufficient to establish that the Department of Human Services (DHS) (1) previously had made reasonable efforts to make it possible for child to safely return home. ORS 419B.340(1). The parents also assert that the trial court improperly relieved DHS of a duty to make further reasonable efforts to reunify the family. ORS 419B.340(5); ORS 419B.470 to 419B.476. Mother separately argues that the order unlawfully deprived her of her parental rights. On de novo review, ORS 419A.200(6)(b), we affirm.

Mother and father have three sons: G, D, and child, who is the youngest. The oldest son, G, lives with father. D was born in 1987 with methamphetamine in his system, and DHS began to provide services for the family at that time. In 1993, father was convicted of and sentenced to a term of imprisonment for several felonies, including drug manufacture, weapons possession, and child neglect. In the same year, mother was convicted of and sentenced to probation for possession of methamphetamine and driving under the influence of intoxicants (DUII). D first was placed outside his parents' home in 1994. The parents' marriage was dissolved in 1996.

In 1997, D was assessed by a counselor at Benton County Mental Health (BCMH), who concluded that D had experienced significant domestic violence in the parents' home, had witnessed a great deal of drug use and, in general, had been exposed to a highly unstable home life. The counselor met with mother and D on a number of occasions between 1997 and 2000. She diagnosed D as having "issues in the top ten percent of the severity of children's mental illness * * * as far as the complexity of more than one diagnosis and ongoing symptoms of the diagnosis staying pretty current and pretty consistent over time."

In 1998, father was released from prison on his 1993 convictions, subject to three years' post-prison supervision. Sometime after father's release, D and child began living with him. In September 1999, father was convicted of fourth-degree assault based on a domestic violence episode involving his girlfriend. D witnessed the incident.

After father's arrest, D and child were placed with mother. Child's caseworker described the ensuing period in the boys' lives as follows:

"During the following months both [boys] started acting out extremely. [D] was barred from the school grounds because of threatening behaviors and he was set up with a tutor[,] which he rarely attended those sessions. He was very impulsive, a great deal of anger. He began hanging out with older kids who were known drug users * * *. At the same time, [child] was having similar compulsive behaviors and a great deal of anger even to the point of assaultiveness. Both [boys] had done some property damage. [Mother] requested that [DHS] help her with the boys because she could not handle these behaviors."

Child's behavior at school remained explosive and uncontrollable and, eventually, he was removed from school. In December 1999, child was hospitalized for psychiatric evaluation and treatment. Mother removed child from the hospital against medical advice, at which point the family was referred once again to BCMH for assistance. BCMH arranged for mother and child to see a mental health physician "for medication and medication management." After some services were provided, mother told the BCMH caseworker that, because of her sons' violent outbursts, she could not handle them. BCMH and a DHS representative then devised a domestic violence safety plan for mother, primarily to address the children's having witnessed domestic violence between mother and her boyfriend.

In January 2000, the parents entered into a voluntary custody agreement with DHS. In consideration of the parents' agreement to place child in DHS custody, DHS agreed (1) to "place [child] in a home or facility that is operated by the State or is certified or licensed to care for children," and (2) "[t]o develop with [the parents] an individualized service plan to provide for [child's] needs, and services for the family." Pursuant to the agreement, child was placed in a shelter home on January 6. BCMH continued to provide services to mother and both boys through March, after which it assumed a "consulting role." In March, child was diagnosed by a psychologist as having "Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Disorder of Written Expression and Phonological Disorder, along with stressors including history of domestic violence and chaotic upbringing." After numerous contacts, the BCMH caseworker concluded that, in spite of mother's obvious love and concern for her sons, she could not provide "the level of skills necessary to deal" with them. In May, child was moved to a group home.

In May, DHS held a family decision meeting with the parents, their attorneys, child's grandmother, father's post-prison supervision officer, child's DHS caseworker, and child's foster parent. At that time, the goal for child was reunification with a parent. Mother signed a service agreement with DHS on May 23. Under the agreement, mother received family counseling with child, was provided with parenting classes, and agreed to attend weekly parenting group meetings. On May 25, mother had a positive urinalysis (UA) test for methamphetamine. In June, both parents voluntarily extended the custody agreement. In August, mother was sanctioned for a probation violation. Mother had failed to report for UA testing for a month after her positive UA test in late May. Mother also had failed to report to her probation officer as required on two occasions in July. On August 2, mother was referred by her probation officer to cognitive skills classes and to BCMH for personal counseling.

According to father's post-prison supervision officer, father performed very poorly on supervision after his release from prison in 1998. He refused to enter a long-term residential drug treatment program, despite having been ordered to do so by the officer and by the court. Although father eventually entered an outpatient treatment program, he "constantly refused and attempted to manipulate his way out of" the program. When father finally agreed to enter residential treatment in January 2000, "he was immediately terminated because he had a dirty [UA] for methamphetamine." In addition, father did not have a permanent residence, and he refused to participate in a domestic violence program as directed by the probation court. Father did participate in an anger management and drug and alcohol treatment program that he entered on his own. At the time of the jurisdictional hearings, father's post-prison supervision officer also intended to require him to participate in domestic violence classes after his other treatment had sufficiently progressed.

On July 18, 2000, DHS filed separate dependency petitions with respect to D and child. The petitions alleged that the children's welfare was endangered because "[b]oth parents have long histories of drug and alcohol abuse * * *. Both parents * * * have failed to comply with the conditions of their probation." The juvenile court held joint hearings on the petitions on July 19, August 16, and September 6. Both parents testified that they wanted child reunified with the family, and the court found that child was bonded to the parents. Mother testified that her last positive UA occurred in May 2000. Mother stated that she was willing to cooperate with DHS by participating in services. However, she also testified that she thought the children could be returned home and that they would be better off if DHS were not involved in their lives.

On September 15, the court issued a letter opinion, including the following findings:

"1. Both these boys have multiple and severe emotional and learning disorders. For example, the elementary school counselor testified that these boys were among the most emotionally disturbed children she had ever encountered [in her career].

"* * * * *

"The parents have very significant personal issues to deal with. For example, at the first hearing date, the mother represented to the Court that she was ready to assume custody of [child], but by the last hearing date her situation changed and she testified that she was not able to care for [child] and felt he should go to live, along with [D], with his father. The mother is on supervised probation and had a positive UA for methamphetamine a[s] recently as May of this year.

"The father is also on supervised probation and has to deal with domestic violence and substance abuse (methamphetamine) issues. His prior probation officer reports that [father] was a very poor probationer. In fairness, [father's] current probation officer gives him positive marks and [father] recently completed an intensive counseling program. The father spent 30 days in jail on a probation violation in early summer. The father is a single parent and given his own issues, just cannot provide adequate supervision, direction, and structure for either of these children.

"Neither parent really has any real insight into how seriously these children have been affected by their parents' lifestyle nor what level of effort and structure it will take to give the children a chance in life. In the past, the parents have at times not been supportive of [DHS] programs. The parents caused [D] to prematurely leave the Waverley in-resident program. Recently, when [child] was placed in Providence, the mother, after discussing the situation with the father, took [child] out of the placement against the advice of the treating doctors. The mother later agreed to a voluntary placement for [child], but only when he was clearly out of her control. At prior hearings, she has indicated that she wants to have him at home even though [DHS], the [Court Appointed Special Advocate], and the professionals feel he needs to stay longer. Quite frankly, the [parents'] attitudes seem to be that if the boys just could go back to live with the father and if [DHS] would just get out of their lives, everything would be just fine. Unfortunately, this is totally unrealistic and should be apparent given the past difficulties the boys have had when living with their parents.

"[DHS] and Benton County Mental Health have given and offered the parents considerable services and assistance through the years. In addition, each of these parents has been on supervised probation for a number of years and each is currently on supervised probation during which time they have received, and continue to receive extensive services, direction, and help." (Emphasis added.)

On October 2, the court entered an order finding that the allegations in the petition had been proved, assuming jurisdiction over child, and placing him in the physical and legal custody of DHS. The order further provided:

"(3) [DHS] has made reasonable efforts to make it possible for [child] to be returned to his parents;

"(4) [DHS] shall not be required to make any further efforts to look to either [mother] or [father] as a permanent resource for [child];

"(5) Further services by [DHS] would not make it possible for [child] to return to either parent's care and custody within a reasonable period of time and further delay would not be in the best interest of [child];

"(6) If [DHS] determines that [child] is not adoptable, the plan for [child] shall be permanent foster care or guardianship, preferably with a relative or with a family that will allow regular visitation between [child] and [parents] and [child's grandmother]."

In September, while in foster care, child experienced severe psychological deterioration and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for about one week. On October 4, he entered a secure psychiatric residential treatment facility for "assessment and stabilization." His DSM-IV Axis I diagnosis was "Attention Deficit Disorder, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Phonological Disorder, and Parent-Child Relational Disorder." His Axis IV diagnosis was "[r]emoval from home, multiple psychiatric hospitalizations, history of witnessing domestic violence, separation from family members, school failure and learning difficulties, individual education needs, inadequate support network for level of disability." The intake psychiatrist summarized her recommendations, stating that "[child] will require placement in a residential treatment program to address psychiatric illness that has not been responsive to brief psychiatric hospitalizations, outpatient mental health services and outpatient medication management services over the last year."

On October 9, the juvenile court sent an e-mail to counsel, advising them as follows:

"The orders the court signed are an accurate statement of the court's findings and conclusions. We need an order in place until the disposition hearing. The parties will have the right to state their positions at the [disposition] hearing on the issue of whether either the form of the order or the court's decision should be altered. But, we have already had a lengthy hearing, lengthy closing arguments and the court took the matter under advisement and gave it a considerable amount of thought before reaching its decision. The court is not going to re-open the jurisdictional phase of the proceeding, but will, as mentioned above, let the parties at the disposition hearing state their objections to the form of the order or the court's decision."

On November 19, father was arrested for DUII and was sentenced to 30 days in jail on a probation violation. D returned to live with father when he was released from jail.

On December 20, the court held a dispositional hearing for D and child. Mother had relapsed into alcohol use a month before the hearing and had returned to an aftercare program. Both parents were regularly visiting child at the time of the hearing. Although the court believed that D also needed residential psychiatric treatment, the court decided to dismiss the dependency petition with respect to D, because both D and the parents were opposed to such treatment. In view of the severity of child's problems, DHS did not consider him to be adoptable. Because it believed that no relative placement was appropriate, DHS anticipated that child would be placed in permanent foster care after completing residential psychiatric treatment. The attorneys for the parents objected to the court's making any permanency decision at that time. In particular, mother's attorney stated:

"[October 2000] is the time the child came into the jurisdiction and then there has to be a permanency hearing after that. We object to the idea that you can come into court basically on a first time adjudication and * * * suddenly come out of it with a permanency issue. Procedurally, we don't believe that that's allowed by law. * * * So we object to any permanency ruling on [child] at this point."

On January 16, 2001, the court entered a further "Judgment of Jurisdiction [and] disposition" that provided, in part:

"(4) [DHS] shall not be required to make any further efforts to work with either the mother or father or other family members to be a permanent resource for [child] except as noted in paragraph 6 below;

"(5) [DHS] shall attempt to find a permanent resource where [child] can have regular contact and visitation with his parents and grandparents;

"(6) If the mother or father or any other family member comes forward to [DHS] and demonstrates that this person can be supportive of [child's] need for residential placement; can provide a stable home where it is likely [child] can live for an extended period of time; can provide the necessary parenting ability; and can [ensure] that [child] will receive appropriate counseling and education, then [DHS] may request the court reconsider its decision of permanent placement outside of the family;

"(7) The parents are specifically ordered to do the following:

"(a) Cooperate with [DHS] to [ensure] that [child] gets the maximum benefit from his in-resident placement;

"(b) Follow [DHS's] instructions regarding their child's behavior during visitation;

"(c) Participate in and successfully complete any substance abuse or parent training requested by [DHS];

"(d) If [child] runs away from placement, to notify [DHS] within one hour of having contact with [child]; and

"(e) Attend counseling as directed by [DHS] designed to make the parents aware of how significant [child's] education and emotional needs are and the home setting [child] needs to be in to address these issues." (Emphasis added.)

The parents appeal from the foregoing judgment. (2) Both parents initially contend that the juvenile court erred in determining, pursuant to ORS 419B.340(1), that DHS previously had made reasonable efforts to reunify the family.

When a juvenile dependency petition is filed, the court must, within 60 days (unless the period is extended for good cause), hold a hearing on the petition and enter an "appropriate order directing the disposition to be made of the case." ORS 419B.305; ORS 419B.325(1). If the court awards custody to DHS, and if the child has been removed from the parents' home prior to the entry of the order, the dispositional order must "include a determination whether [DHS] has made reasonable or active efforts to make it possible for the child to safely return home. In making [that determination], the court shall consider the child's health and safety the paramount concerns." ORS 419B.340(1).

On de novo review, we first find that DHS made reasonable efforts before the dispositional hearing to make it possible for child to safely return home. Especially after child was hospitalized in late 1999, DHS made considerable efforts to reunify the family. It combined appropriate services to the family with the array of services provided to the parents under their respective terms of probation and post-prison supervision. Although the parents on occasion made halting progress toward reunification, each relapsed into conduct and conditions that were, in significant part, responsible for the multiple psychiatric, behavioral, and educational challenges confronting child. The court was required, in determining whether reasonable efforts had been made, to put child's "health and safety" first. It did just that.

We turn to the parents' primary argument that the juvenile court's order relieving DHS of a duty to make further reasonable efforts to reunify the family was erroneous because it amounted to a permanency decision that could not be made at the dispositional phase of the proceeding. We address that argument by examining the relevant statutory framework.

ORS 419B.340(5) provides:

"(5) If a court determines that one of the following circumstances exist[s], the juvenile court may make a finding that [DHS] is not required to make reasonable efforts to make it possible for the child to safely return home:

"(a) Aggravated circumstances including, but not limited to, the following:

"(A) The parent by abuse or neglect has caused the death of any child;

"(B) The parent has attempted, solicited or conspired, as described in ORS 161.405, 161.435, or 161.450 or under comparable laws of any jurisdiction, to cause the death of any child;

"(C) The parent by abuse or neglect has caused serious physical injury to any child;

"(D) The parent has subjected any child to rape, sodomy or sexual abuse;

"(E) The parent has subjected any child to intentional starvation or torture;

"(F) The parent has abandoned the child as described in ORS 419B.100(1)(e); or

"(G) The parent has unlawfully caused the death of the other parent of the child;

"(b) The parent has been convicted in any jurisdiction of one of the following crimes:

"(A) Murder of another child of the parent, which murder would have been an offense under 18 U.S.C. 1111(a);

"(B) Manslaughter in any degree of another child of the parent, which manslaughter would have been an offense under 18 U.S.C. 1112(a);

"(C) Aiding, abetting, attempting, conspiring or soliciting to commit an offense described in subparagraph (A) or (B) of this paragraph;

"(D) Felony assault that results in serious physical injury to the child or another child of the parent; or

"(c) The parent's rights to another child have been terminated involuntarily."

ORS 419B.340(6) provides:

"If, pursuant to a determination under subsection (5) of this section, the juvenile court makes a finding that [DHS] is not required to make reasonable efforts to prevent or eliminate the need for removal of the child from the home or to make it possible for the child to safely return home, and [DHS] determines that it will not make such efforts, the court shall conduct a permanency hearing as provided in ORS 419B.470 no later than 30 days after the judicial finding under subsection (5) of this section."

ORS 419B.340(6) makes clear that, if the court makes a finding under subsection (5), a permanency hearing is the next step in the judicial process after disposition. However, it is not an inevitable next step. A permanency hearing must be held within 30 days of disposition only if DHS determines that it will not make reasonable efforts to reunify the family. ORS 419B.470 provides, in part:

"(1) The court shall conduct a permanency hearing within 30 days after a judicial finding is made under ORS 419B.340(5) if, based upon that judicial finding, [DHS] determines that it will not make reasonable efforts to reunify the family.

"(2) In all other cases when the child is in substitute care, the court shall conduct a permanency hearing no later than 12 months after the child was found within the jurisdiction of the court under ORS 419B.100 or 14 months after the child was placed in substitute care, whichever is earlier.

"* * * * *

"(4) Unless good cause otherwise is shown, the court shall also conduct a permanency hearing at any time upon the request of [DHS], an agency directly responsible for care or placement of the child, parents whose parental rights have not been terminated, an attorney for the child, a court appointed special advocate, a citizen review board, a tribal court or on its own motion. The court shall schedule the hearing as soon as possible after receiving a request." (Emphasis added.)

The court is required to notify the parents in advance of any permanency hearing. ORS 419B.473.

Although ORS 419B.470(4) authorized the court on its "own motion" to conduct a permanency hearing at "any time," the December 20 hearing was not such a proceeding. In its October 4 e-mail to counsel, the court informed the parties that it next intended to hold a dispositional hearing. It did not provide the parties with notice, as it would have been required to do by ORS 419B.473, that it intended to conduct a permanency hearing. Moreover, although the two types of hearings often involve overlapping issues, the dispositional hearing that the court conducted was not concerned with other issues that a permanency hearing must address. See, e.g., ORS 419B.476(2)(b) (if the case plan at the time of a permanency hearing is something other than to reunify the family, the court must "determine whether [DHS] has made reasonable efforts to place the child in a timely manner in accordance with the plan and to complete the steps necessary to finalize the permanent placement of the child"). In short, the court did not hold a permanency hearing but, instead, held a dispositional hearing.

We next consider whether the trial court's decision at that hearing to excuse further reasonable efforts by DHS to make child's return home possible was within its dispositional authority under ORS 419B.340. As quoted above, ORS 419B.340(5) provides three categories of circumstances under which a juvenile court is authorized to excuse DHS from making further reasonable efforts to reunify a child with the child's parents: (1) "aggravated circumstances, including, but not limited to" seven specified types of circumstances, ORS 419B.340(5)(a)(A) to (G); (2) a parent's conviction of certain criminal offenses, ORS 419B.340(5)(b); and (3) the existence of a judgment involuntarily terminating a parent's rights to another child. ORS 419B.340(5)(c).

There is no evidence in the record that any of the circumstances specifically enumerated in ORS 419B.340(5)(a)(A) to (G) existed or that either paragraph (5)(b) or (5)(c) applied in this case. However, the list of "aggravated circumstances" contained in paragraph (5)(a) is not exclusive. The question therefore is whether the facts of this case--although not constituting any of the circumstances expressly enumerated in ORS 419B.340(5)(a)--constitute "aggravated circumstances" within the statutory meaning of that term. To answer that question, we apply the methodology of statutory construction set out in PGE v. Bureau of Labor and Industries, 317 Or 606, 610-11, 859 P2d 1143 (1993), beginning with the text of the statute.

First, the ordinary meaning of the verb "aggravate" is "to make worse, more serious, or more severe : INTENSIFY." Webster's Third New Int'l Dictionary, 41 (unabridged ed 1993). Accordingly, as applied in a juvenile dependency proceeding to circumstances bearing on a determination whether to remove a child from a parental home or whether, conversely, a child may be "safely" returned home, "aggravated" circumstances are those involving relatively more serious types of harm or detriment to a child. That interpretation is confirmed by the aggravated circumstances that are specifically enumerated in ORS 419B.340(5)(a), involving, among other things, a parent having caused a child's death or serious physical injury or having subjected a child to rape or other sexual abuse, intentional starvation or torture, or abandonment. See State v. Johnston, 176 Or App 418, 423, 31 P3d 1101 (2001) (under principle of ejusdem generis, the general category will partake of the same characteristics as the specifically enumerated examples).

Next, it is significant that ORS 419B.340(5)(a) refers to aggravated "circumstances," rather than to the aggravated actions and conditions of a parent. See Webster's at 410 (defining "circumstance" in part as "the total complex of essential attributes and attendant adjuncts * * * the sum of essential and environmental characteristics"). That usage indicates that the legislature was concerned, not only with the parents' actions and conditions, but also with the results of those actions and conditions, including effects, direct and indirect, on a child.

Moreover, ORS 419B.340(5)(a) expressly provides that the "aggravated circumstances" enumerated therein may be found in regard to "any" child, not merely the child who is the subject of the dependency petition.

Finally, the legislature expressly included in ORS 419B.340(5)(a) at least two "circumstances" that could involve nonintentional conduct by a parent toward a child, namely, parental "neglect" resulting in a child's death or serious physical injury. Accordingly, the general category of "aggravated circumstances" is not limited to intentional conduct by a parent toward a child.

It is not necessary or possible in this case to determine the entire universe of "aggravated circumstances" within the meaning of ORS 419B.340(5)(a), because we conclude that such circumstances clearly are present here. In particular, although the record does not reflect that the parents have caused child (or any other child) to suffer any of the harms expressly enumerated in ORS 419B.540(5)(a), it discloses that D has suffered severe mental injury as a result of his exposure to significant domestic violence, the parents' drug use, and a highly unstable home life. The record also demonstrates that child has suffered serious psychological and social damage including, among other disorders, posttraumatic stress disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, and parent-child relational disorder and that those disorders were caused, in substantial part, by the parents' conduct, including child's witnessing domestic violence. In addition, the parents' harmful actions and conditions have not been significantly remediated, even though extensive services were provided to them before this proceeding was commenced. Consistently with our understanding of ORS 419B.340(5)(a) as described above, we conclude that the circumstances here, in their totality, are "aggravated." It follows that, based on the existence of those circumstances, the juvenile court was authorized to find that DHS was not required to make reasonable efforts to make it possible for child to safely return home.

We caution that, in concluding that the circumstances here are "aggravated" within the meaning of ORS 419B.340(5)(a), we do not rely solely on the parents' actions and conditions. As father observes, the nature and scope of the parents' problems are not unlike many examples of parental circumstances that would support the court's dependency jurisdiction yet still require DHS to make further reasonable efforts to reunify the family. However, the circumstances here are "aggravated" in two particular respects: (1) Child's psychological and social problems attributable in significant part to the parents' actions and conditions are especially serious; and (2) the parents' harmful actions and conditions that contributed to those problems for the purposes of ORS 419B.340(5)(a) persist despite extensive efforts to remediate them before the court assumed jurisdiction.

Finally, we reject mother's argument that the dispositional order unlawfully impaired her parental rights. The order is subject to modification should the parents' circumstances change. ORS 419B.449. In addition, DHS has discretion under the order to provide further services to the parents. Alternatively or in addition, both parents may be eligible to receive probation and post-prison supervision services that may assist them in addressing their substance abuse and mental health issues. Nor does the order preclude DHS from adopting a plan for reunification. ORS 419B.343(1); ORS 419B.470(1). Despite the provision relieving DHS of the duty to make further "reasonable efforts," the order calls for extensive ongoing contact between child and the parents. That and other features of the order suggest that an experienced juvenile court judge has sent the parents a "wake up" call meant to get their attention before it is too late to salvage their parental relationship with child. Disposition is not a "one size fits all" remedy. Ultimately, the court was required to make a disposition that was "appropriate" under the circumstances. ORS 419B.325. It did so in this case.

Affirmed."

Left: Stacy Cook

Ms Cook has been busted again, for parole violation, forging or altering a vehicle registration. Ms Cook is another Linn County resident busted before in Corvallis.

In other crime news, Vietnam sentenced a banker to death today for doing what bankers do - scamming people of money and stashing it in off shore accounts. On Wall Street a judge was laying into the criminal justice system for letting U.S. bankers do that every day without consequences. In fact, a J.P. Morgan trader wanted in the U.S. said today in Spain that no-thank-you, he isn't going to be extradited to the U.S. for his crimes, said request for extradition being rare in U.S. financial circles. But, in your outrage, don't do anything radical, like Petr Pavlinski did, when he stripped and nailed his testicles to the sidewalk " as a metaphor for the apathy, political indifference and fatalism".

WEEK OF NOV.20, 2013

Right: Jared Lee Purdy

Mr. Purdy was busted for being from Albany, i.e., on burglary, meth, domestic violence (harassment) charges. He was busted in April on similar
charges. Why do Corvallis cops hate Albany residents?

The city is trying to get a levy passed which would hire 3 more officers. We could have fewer officers, rather than more, if we had a smaller number of tourists from Linn County in the city. We've said before that the city's law enforcement issues would be largely solved by a toll bridge at either end, one from Philomath and one from Linn County, each charging $500 which could be applied to bail when the inevitable occurs.

Left: Michael John Elgin

Mr. Elgin has been busted again doing what Linn County residents all seem to get a thrill out of doing for a hobby - stealing cars, etc. He was busted in Corvallis in 2011 on a warrant out of Linn County over a burglary charge there.

But Linn County is just the tip of a density that accelerates the further east one goes from there, in the Northwest. In Colville, a fifth grader was found guilty of conspiring with a 10 year old to kill a classmate because she was "really annoying".

It was a bad week for education, with the usual crimes as well as special ones like the Republicans' shutdown of government and - a quick visit to that land of fiscal restraint, North Carolina - where Gov. Pat McCrory presided over a 2013 legislative session that raised taxes on the poor and cut them on the rich, resulting in a projected $2 billion cut in state revenues over the next five years. The revenue loss will require huge cuts for social programs and public schools — after all, what can go wrong when you slash school budgets, anyway? — but times are hard, and you gotta be careful not to waste the taxpayers’ money. Which is why it only makes sense that Gov. McCrory is going to spend $230,000 on “remodeling bathrooms in his private living quarters at North Carolina’s Executive Mansion.” Sound like they’ll be really nice once the work is done:
Planned upgrades include new marble, tubs and fixtures for six bathrooms on the upper floors of the Victorian-era home in Raleigh.
We aren’t sure we can be too angry about this, though, since the last time the bathrooms in the Governor’s Mansion were refurbished was in the 1970′s. Gov. McCrory shouldn’t have to deal with all those fixtures in Avocado and Harvest Gold."

Left: Cooper Neal Myers

Cops say Mr. Myers was busted for domestic assault, violation of a restraining order, coercion, etc. He was busted last year for theft, strangulation,  harassment, etc. A part of his release agreement should be that he has no contact for the rest of his life with any other human being.

   But Mr. Myers is from Roseburg, one of the few little Republican hellholes in the state where they think human slavery should still be legal. That raises red flags. Sometimes crimes, even the most heinous, reported from such areas need to be delved into a little more deeply than elsewhere. Yesterday for example, a man who had been kidnapped by 2 armed intruders in front of his terrified wife and then released two days later, confessed to the cops that it was all faked, so he could get away with his friends and "party".

At the other end of the spectrum stands Otto Porter. A reader wrote in that "On Friday, during a very stressful week for Washington, I looked to escape the madness for 30 minutes on what was a warm fall afternoon. I was reading The Post and eating a quick lunch at a table outside a local sandwich shop while a disheveled homeless man sat nearby, persistently and unsuccessfully asking anyone who walked by if he or she could 'spare a sandwich.'
After about 25 minutes, Otto Porter Jr., the Georgetown basketball star and the Washington Wizards’ newest first-round draft pick, drove up, hopped out of his car and entered the shop. Mr. Porter soon exited with his sandwich and drink — but also with a sandwich, a bag of chips and a drink for the homeless man. Mr. Porter then sat down next to the man, and they both enjoyed their sandwiches while making small talk."

Right: Clarence Darrel Hawes

Mr. Hawes, say cops, led them on a chase and then ran off on foot in north Albany. The state parole board had issued a warrant, and California has a warrant out for him as well.

Wuh oh. Shortly after her boyfriend was released, having served his sentence for their last escapade, cops say, Nicole Bergstrom (see below) has been busted for theft, entering somebody else's car without permission, etc. She's a sure entry for this month's Dusty Risland Clinic scholarship.

Above: The latest incidence of a gun-toting lost inmate wandering out of the Republican conclave in Washington D.C. has occurred in Oregon, with cops today releasing the video of a man pulled over, kids in car, for speeding. He died in the resulting gun fight he initiated.

Left: Abel Gonzales-Martinez

Mr. Gonzales was described as the "top person" in a drug operation operating out of La Azteca on 9th Street. He is being held on a Department of Corrections order ("DOC hold") today.

Above: Gentry and Nicole Bergstrom

This Junction City pair given a new meaning to JC's  Scandinavia Daze. Gentry has at last been released from Benton County's jail. The pair was busted for meth, heroin, gun charges, etc.

Gun charges were common this week. John Baldwin was busted after a group visited him in his new digs and wished him a good day. After a little nice neighborly bantering, they confessed they weren't neighbors after all, but Jehovah's Witnesses out on a round up of nonbelievers. Baldwin got testy. “Get your fucking ass off my property. I moved out here to get away from people like you.”
Then, both the Witnesses (literally) say, Baldwin told his wife to "Get me my nine" - a 9 millimeter - and as the Witnesses drove away, Baldwin unleashed 13 rounds at their car.

That was in Arkansas. In Arizona, a macho genius with a gun stuffed in the front of his pants accidentally had the gun go off and this time it didn't shoot his penis off. It killed his girlfriend.

Right: Angela Suzannah Suire

Ms Suire, of Alsea, is busted annually or more. In 2010, she was arrested, cops say, after doing meth and rolling her vehicle.  In 2011 she was busted for theft, and now she's been busted again on a parole violation for taking a car (UUMV - Unauthorized Use of a Motor Vehicle).

Some criminal wannabees just need to find another line of work.

Example: Mark Rood tried to outrun the cops today in a neighbor's paddleboat, which he managed to capsize in the middle of a pond.

Left: Samuel Birchard

After being told that Mr. Birchard is from Linn County, you might incorrectly assume that he'd be just another in a long line of meth addicts accused of selling their daughters or robbing their grandmas. The most heinous thing we could find Mr. Borchard accused of is disobeying a traffic device. He was fined $500 for that and one might conclude that for being poor, he was busted on contempt charges in Benton County. But of contempt for Linn County's law enforcement pathos was a crime, half of Benton County would be languishing in jail.

Oh, and on that subject of contempt. 'From experience, I know having a suggestive adjective as a first name can lead to a lot of teasing, but at least I’m not Conor P. Fudge, the man accused of stealing ice cream and cakes from a Cold Stone Creamery store... 25-year-old Fudge will never live down the fact that he was caught on camera stealing all sorts of ice cream, cakes, cash, and hopefully some mix-ins (the good mix-ins, not the gummy bears that freeze the second they hit the ice cream) from his former employer.

After opening the safe and taking money, the cameras captured Fudge taking cakes and containers of ice cream. All told, he allegedly stole $501 worth of cash and ice cream property. The reports make no mention of what he did with multiple ice cream cakes, but hopefully he brought them to parties because more parties should have ice cream cakes.'

Left: David Ray Blymiller

Mr. Blymiller was busted last year in Utah for assault, and this year here, for assault and a weapons charge..

Sometimes you need to be careful about who you abuse. They can growl back. The remains of a woman who spent decades abusing animals were found inside her home earlier this month. Authorities believe the parts of her body not found had been consumed by her pet wolfdogs. According to animal rescue group Adopt-a-Husky, when 184 dogs were found at her home in 1999, 159 of them had to be euthanized.

Ritz was allowed to keep the remaining dogs, but had to promise she would spay or neuter them.She apparently flouted that promise because, in 2003, a further 34 dogs had to be euthanized.Of the dogs rescued from Ritz's property this time around, many remain hospitalized but will end up at rescue facilities and sanctuaries upon their release.

Right: Jonathon Appelt

Mr. Appelt is back in the news again, this time for a probation/ parole violation on a robbery charge. Mr. Appelt is one of the 2 guys charged in 2010, when cops say they were "choking one man, because of his sexual orientation, until he was unconscious; beating and robbing another homeless man; and attacking another homeless man as he slept beneath a bridge." The crimes made the "Most violent Juggalo crimes Ever" list. Cops also say he was involved in taking equipment and a truck from the OSU crew team. He's left his mug shot all over the web now.
 

Left: Raymond LaTaille

 Another Linn County resident, Mr. LaTaille (guess what that means in French) has been busted, cops say, for burglary tools, weapons, meth (FTA), and parole violations. Mr. LaTaille was busted with a Linn County woman, Skye Leibrant, whose Facebook page features 3 kids. Police say she was arrested doing what typical Linn County moms do. Meth.
Too bad, but Linn County residents will never raise the level of their crimes to those of a more literate community. In Rostov, for example, cops say that a gunfight over the weekend broke out after 2 people's argument escalated over the meaning of a passage in the writings of philosopher Imannuel Kant. In Linn County, that would be the equivalent of a dispute over the height of Big Foot.

Right: Robert Sabas Nunez

Mr. Sabaz was busted for kiddie porn - 1600 instances, police say - and molesting a young relative. Maybe he'll get the same wink from a judge that an Iowa pastor and youth counselor Brent Girouex got, who claimed with a straight face that he was trying to "cure" teenage boys of their "homosexual urges" by having sex with them, has had his sentence reduced from 17 years in prison to sex offender treatment and probation.

 

 

WEEK OF JAN. 23, 2012
The good news in crime this week is that the Mexican drug cartels are walking away from the narcotics and instead diving into a more profitable field - coal.

Right: Jacob Casey

Mr. Casey has his mug shot in Portland but this time it's Corvallis, for taking a 15 year old and running off to Montana. He's 37. Cops say "The teenage girl left McMinnville on Nov. 6 with a 17-year-old boy. They hitchhiked to Corvallis and met Casey, who allowed them to camp with him in the bushes near Corvallis Skate Park. In early November, the boy reported that he came across Casey allegedly having sex with the girl in a wooded area after Casey had given her alcohol. Although she had been telling people that she was 19 years old, the boy knew her true age and began informing others in their group that she was 15. The boy did not see the two again after that day."

It's been a week of crime news once again filled with strange sex headlines. A New Hampshire lawyer who works with a virulently anti-gay Christian-right organization has been found guilty of child pornography charges after videotaping her own daughter having sex with two men on multiple occasions. A cross-dressing Catholic priest,  found to be having sex with men in the rectory, was arrested by police for allegedly dealing crystal meth.
A judge yesterday sentenced 25-year-old Jason Earl Dean of Dalton, Georgia, to a split sentence that includes four years in jail after he handcuffed himself to a female Taco Bell employee who wouldn't go out with him. The Violence Against Women Act died today. Or yesterday maybe, I don't know. America got a telegram from the House: Republican whip Eric Cantor let the Violence Against Women Act die.

New figures show that the US is spending $40 billion a year locking up 330,000 drug offenders. In the 35 years since Richard Nixon declared the War on Drugs, that's $140 billion wasted.

In related Christian crime news, a Christian school is facing charges after putting school kids to work tearing out asbestos. “The entire site was contaminated with asbestos and the people who were doing it were all children,” said an observer. “The kids were loaded with it.”

A charter school is NOT facing sanctions after taking the NRA's advice, hiring an armed guard - a "firearms instructor", only to have him leave his loaded weapon in the kids' bathroom forgetfully.

Left: Roger Lee Dale Housing

Mr. Housing is another normal Linn County resident criminal, busted here, this time, for being a felon in possession of a weapon. He's been in and out of the Linn County courts.

It was a week for the weapons wackos to be out in force. In North Carolina, a deaf guy was stabbed when an onlooker thought he was making gang signs with his deaf friend. North Carolina could use a little more cosmopolitan approach in their schools but good luck with that one. And if you saw any one texas- chainsawed while you were working on the Michelle Bachmann campaign, she's making all staffers agree to not divulge crimes they saw, or they don't get paid.

Numero uno - Republican role model for Sheriff, Joe Arapaio, who can't account for millions (see, he's a REAL Republican role model) sent his "armed posse" in to "protect" the schools, in some cases without letting the schools know in advance.  “It doesn’t matter whether they like it or don’t,” he said. “I’m still going to do it. I can’t imagine criticism coming when they’re given free protection.” Wonkette chimed in:
Well, yeah! Who would object to free protection from volunteers who are no doubt carefully vetted and very responsible and definitely good people to be carrying firearms? Oh wait:
And then there was Jacob Cutler. According to a Flagstaff police report, Cutler threw his girlfriend to the ground and choked her while trying to sexually assault her in 2008. When she didn’t cooperate, he allegedly threatened to call police and said they would side with him, because he “has a badge.” He was a member of Arpaio’s posse at the time.
OK fine. He’s probably just a bad apple. Everyone ELSE at your kid’s school, marching around like a little tin soldier with a weapon, is no doubt totally cool. Wait. Shit.
Kevin Ray Campos was arrested in 2007 outside a Scottsdale club for disorderly conduct. According to the police report, he spit on several bouncers and then hurled profanities at a Scottsdale police officer. He pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor, according to court records, and was hired as a posse member a year later.
Welp. That’s pretty bad. He’s probably the worst dude in the posse though, right? FUUCCCCCCCK.
And then there’s the accusation from 2007 that a driver backed into Clark’s car and then left the scene. Clark allegedly followed the car, rammed the vehicle and held the driver and passenger at gunpoint, all while he was off-duty.
Yet, Clark still remains in the posse.
Oh, also there is at least one person in the posse who was arrested for “sex crimes against children.”
These Republican role models get a little more squirrel-y every week.

In Illinois, a REAL armed deputy was sent to guard a school after a local wacko heard kids reciting the pledge of allegiance followed by the school pledge - as every morning - which is: In order to develop good citizens,
We believe that every person should
Treat others with respect
Follow school and classroom rules
Try their best
A parent volunteer heard it and thought the school had introduced new words to the pledge and he, as Principal George Petmezas put it, McGroarty resorted to language “that is not typically heard in an elementary school setting.”
McGroarty eventually went home and sent an angry email:
Dear School District 304,
As a courtesy I’m letting you know I’ve engaged the American Center for Justice and Law (ACLJ) as well as multiple conservative and verteran groups. I’m also contacting IL state legislators.
I WILL NOT stand for my children standing in front of the flag, hand on heart, reciting a corrupted Pledge of Allegiance that leaves out “liberty” and has students stating they will obey all rules and commands of teachers. I witnessed this first hand today and am ashamed. You are teaching fascism plain and simple. My children will not grow up as blind followers who don’t think for themselves.
I can think of no reason for having a separate pledge for kindergarteners and first graders then indoctrination of the young. Not going to happen on my watch. I’ve shed blood for this Country and will do so again if necessary.
My mother spent 12 years in a prison camp. I’m NOT ALLOWING you to introduce a Nazi way of life into the USA.
Kind Regards,

Colin M. McGroarty MBA, MCSE

The MCSE is a Microsoft "certification", which is actually, alas, a little more meaningful than the "MBA".

And in Tennessee, the state has suspended the handgun carry permit of James Yeager, CEO of Tactical Response, who recently said he would “start killing people” should President Obama take executive action on gun control.

Left: Shawn Houston Dickinson

Mr. Dickinson has been busted for failing to register as a sex offender, a parole/ probation violation on larceny, theft. etc. He is part of a trio busted months ago, cops said, as a suspected burglary ring. Cops also have him on a list of absconders from other parole/ probation violations. In this column, I've often emphasized how important it is to give children a name they can try to live up to, like Jackie Robinson or Honest Abe. A kid who is named Houston is never going anywhere good - there's nothing in Texas that doesn't slither.

Right: Matthew Abram Rader

Mr. Rader is from Polk County, where he was busted repeatedly, for sex abuse, indecency, giving drugs to kids, etc. He has been busted here for rape, kiddie sex, online corruption of a child.
Mr. Rader is famed for an appeal in a case where he engaged in what the Republicans in these little holdout counties call courtship.
The court appeal says "Defendant believed that the victim spent too much time picking up her daughter at her former boyfriend's house, and he suspected that the victim had been engaging in sexual relations with her former boyfriend.

Defendant began by screaming and yelling at the victim. He called her a "lying fucking whore" and asserted, in more graphic terms, that she was probably engaging in oral sex with her former boyfriend when she went over to pick up their daughter. He continued by yelling that he knew that the victim wanted someone else on the side and asserted, again in more graphic terms, that she probably was engaged in other kinds of sexual relations with her former boyfriend and that, if she were not, she wanted to do so.

Defendant's anger turned physical. The victim testified that defendant "became very agitated, to the point where he was using his body to -- using his weight to force me around with just his chest and his shoulders." Defendant pushed the victim out of their bedroom where the argument had begun, into the hallway, and around the hallway until he backed her into the open doorway of her younger daughter's room, where the daughter was watching television. As defendant pushed the victim into the doorway of her daughter's room, he continued to scream at her. The victim took a step into her daughter's room to turn up the television "so she would be distracted by [sic] all of the yelling and screaming." Defendant then reached behind the victim and closed the bedroom door. He grabbed the victim's head with both hands and headbutted her, striking the victim's head with his head. The victim testified that the sound of that blow was "very loud." She explained: "From the sound, to me, I thought that my head was cracked open." The force of the blow made the victim's head recoil, causing her head to hit her daughter's bedroom door "very loudly." The victim fell to the floor, let out a cry of pain, and got back to her own bedroom where she sat on the floor between her bed and the wall. The victim's head began to swell where defendant had hit her. Defendant got ice and made the victim put it on her head "to make it go away so nobody could see it," and he told the victim not to go to work "unless [she] wanted everybody to know our business, unless [she] wanted everybody to know what he had done."

Left: Tyler John Boyce

Mr. Boyce was busted for violating parole/probation. Mr. Boyce was famous for being part of a teen gang that beat a local reforming drunk to death 7 years ago underneath the bypass.

In other crime news, Four people, including the gunman, were dead following a hostage-taking incident on Saturday in Aurora, Colorado, where a man killed 12 people and wounded 58 more in a movie theater in July. And dognappings are up by 70%.In Florida (sigh...), 25 year old stripper Arlene Mena was outside her condo building 'like a very drunk person" and "trying to direct traffic' in the middle of State Road A1A,, wearing a tank-top, cut-off jeans, and tall boots, gave up after a while, and threw a traffic cone at a passing motorist.She struck Dieter Heinrich's car, breaking the vehicle's side mirror to the tune of $300 in damages. She then assaulted 2 motorists, cops say. In court, she claimed the whole thing was just a misunderstood "art performance". The judge told her that "I suggest not wearing boots and doing artwork in the middle of a roadway. I would start right there and everything will start looking up for you." In Illinois, cops got an emergency call from a local preacher with a ball gag who accidentally locked himself in handcuffs. You can listen to it here.

Right: Ruth Burns

Ms Burns was one of 3 cops shot in a New Jersey police station this morning by another maniac, this one being arrested for stalking his ex- in violation of a restraining order. Expect an NRA announcement at noon that we need to stop these shootings by posting armed security guards, or arming the cops, in police stations. Makes as much sense as any other NRA announcement. The shooter grabbed a cop's firearm by the way.

Oh, and did you see the news that some gun nut at his local show shot himself in the foot - literally - while stepping into the area designated for "clearing" your weapon? This is the guy the NRA wants "protecting" you at the Clackamas Town Center. One of them is also the nut who pushed another guy to his death today on the subway because "believed him to be a Muslim or a Hindu".

Left: Tyson Risland

The third Risland has been busted this week. Tyson, for whom - along with Dusty and Garth, the Risland Crime scholarship in changing their own adult diaper is named - was popped "as police arrested Tyson Wayne Risland, 21, from a Corvallis residence on two warrants, they discovered items in his possession that his roommate had reported stolen." Gasp! Not Tyson! Not stealing! Anyone who takes a Risland as a roommate might as well be hanging a sign on the side of the house that says "Steal My Stuff". The 3 could provide a full time income to some cop in Louisiana, where a Times-Picayune exposé today called the "prison capital of the world", with 3 times the level of imprisonment as the next leading country in the world - Iran. One in 86 people in Louisiana because "more than half of the inmates in the state are housed in local prisons run by sheriffs, and the state's correction system has created financial incentives for those sheriffs to keep prisons full". Because. Republican Heaven. Bobby Jindal.
Bobby Jindal's ancestors have a handle on this crime thing, since they are from India, in the news lately as the Gang Rape Capital of the world, where this week one victim remains in the hospital and another has committed suicide because the cops and government officials don't take rape seriously, say the people there. They say it when they're taking a break from rioting about the cops and officials not taking it seriously.

Not that India is alone. A Catholic priest has raised the ire of Italians after posting on Facebook that Italian women bring rape on themselves by serving their husbands cold food and dressing provocatively. That's in a country whose Prime Minister is the world's most famous pedophile. The priest just made matters worse by telling a reporter who told him he wasn't seized by the urge to rape, that the reporter must be gay.

In related news, "an American church is promising gay men they will be cured of their homosexuality if they stroke horses". The Cowboy church: "Show me on the horse where you’d like Jesus to touch you." In this state, that would be a crime, but not in Virginia. "Neigh away the gay", Wonkette advise.

At least these 3 might someday find themselves out of the ridiculous thief category and onto the level of, say, three year old Noah Jeffry (below), who manged to squeeze himself into one of those machines with the cranes you pick up toys with, and start handing out freebies to the locals.

Left: Noah Jeffrey

Law Enforcement Against Prohibition today released the figures: every 43 seconds a pot bust occurs in the U.S. Benton County has more than our share - which should be ZERO!

One more piece of law enforcement news worth noting today: Cops from around the state of Connecticut pitched in to give their Newtown peers Christmas Day off. Sweet!

Left: Cooper Neal Myers

In Fugitive- from- Holdout- Republican- Sh*tholes news, Cooper Myers has been busted for burglary, criminal mischief and harassment. Mr. Myers was busted twice in Roseburg, in May of this year for harassment and once in November last year.

In other Northwest Republican news, Sen. Mike Crapo (R-Idaho) was arrested on Sunday morning in Alexandria, Virginia for driving around under the influence. "This is already hilarious and awesome! It gets even better though! Thank you, internets, for giving us this day. He is also one of the fiscal cliff “gang of eight.” (Side note: stop. just stop. None of you people are a gang of anything. Maybe a gaggle. Gaggle of eight sounds lovely, doesn’t it?) Please to insert your own joke here about how you would be driven to drink if YOU had to negotiate anything related to the fiscal cliff. You may also insert a joke about how, while driving drunk, he could have driven off a fiscal cliff. Thanks for doing our work for us, because we are not paid enough by the Editrix to make our own jokes anymore.
You know what? We got nothin’. There’s nothing we can say that is actually more funny than to state, simply, that an abstinent Mormon Republican fiscal cliff gang of eight negotiator named Mike Crapo who gets tax breaks for the beer industry got popped for drunk driving."

In other news about the Republican base, "It has now been admitted that traders at two major financial institutions were fixing LIBOR — the London Interbank Offered Rate, used to set the interest rates of $800 trillion worth of financial products, including credit cards and mortgages. That figure again: $800 trillion!" And Willard "Mitt" Romney, who is now claiming he never really wanted to be president despite spending billions - TWICE - on it, has now been caught spending millions on his "transition team", including three quarters of a million on furniture, all at the public's expense. No charges. One law for the rich, one for the rest of us. And now that we've all made it past the day civilization was spozd to fold and let all the ing nuts run loose, there is a real lesson to be learned by the right wing here: the demise of Mayan high society occurred because climate change drove droughts. And on the topic of Central America and ruling officialdom, the top narcotics officer in Mexico is resigning, not because of the election or all the corruption and drug cartel hit men in his organization he says, but to go to work for private industry - that's Big Pharma in his line of work. And on that topic, a new exposé has hot the streets. Surprise, surprise! "“Drugs are tested by the people who manufacture them, in poorly designed trials, on hopelessly small numbers of weird, unrepresentative patients, and analysed using techniques which are flawed by design, in such a way that they exaggerate the benefits of treatments. Unsurprisingly, these trials tend to produce results that favour the manufacturer. When trials produce results that companies don’t like, they are perfectly entitled to hide them from doctors and patients, so we only ever see a distorted picture of any drug’s true effects.”

Oh yes, more on the Republican thesis of women- cause- rapes, the Swazi pols have outlawed short skirts and midriff blouses, claiming they drive men to rape women. And in India, cops have turned the firehoses and riot squads on enraged crowds after a bus driver was caught on film driving around and picking up new crowds of men to gang rape a woman who is now in the hospital with serious injuries. The government's response was to say that lowering the marriage age would solve the rape problem in India.

In other Oregon crime news, 2 Stayton kids have been busted for threats. And another gun nut has been busted in Toledo for massacring elk illegally and mounting the carcass of one in his house. Elsewhere, 2 New York firefighters have been shot dead by an arsonist who baited a trap for them. And gun nuts are petitioning to have deported the news host who called one of their number "an unbelievably stupid man" on nation wide TV. In New York, even the Fox News associate, the Daily News, is calling the NRA's chief "the craziest man on earth" after last week's rant. But ya gotta be more careful about busting kids - one who annually hands out Christmas candy at school told his peers they could expect the usual "surprise" and was popped for it. A newspaper in New York, on the other hand, has treated gun nuts like sex offenders and published their names and addresses and has drawn a lot of heat for it.

Left: Found - Corinne Motley

Within hours of her photo being posted by Homeland Security officials trying to track down a child abuser and kiddie porn producer, Florida's Corinne Motley has been identified and arrested.

In related news local preacher and youth pastor Christopher Fowler has been sentenced to 4 years for kiddie porn after setting up a camera in a church bathroom.

In other slap- on- the- wrist- sentencing news for the connected, the corporate trade rag, the Economist is actually recommending prosecutions of corporate officials who break the law rather than letting them hide behind the corporate logo for crimes committed. As an example, might we cite the case of HDBC which is skating this week after laundering drug money for Mexican cartels for years? "Too big to indict", apparently. And of course, there's a related instance of Paula Broadwell, who sent threats to, and stalked, the lover of CIA director Petraeus - she's not going to be indicted either.

But nothing surpasses this: "Sometimes people die and it is very, very sad. Sometimes people die, and they are Don Haidl. Haidl was assistant sheriff in Orange County, California, when his son and several of said son’s buddies videotaped themselves gang-raping passed-out 16-year-old acquaintance Jane Doe on a pool table, with a snapple bottle, a pool cue, and a lit cigarette. Assistant Sheriff Haidl then used some portion of his hundreds of millions of dollars (from government contracts, of course) to finance a defense that would accuse Jane Doe of raping the boys. And now Don Haidl is dead at 61. Universe, moral arc, justice, etc."

But sometimes, justice prevails. A woman who was robbed and raped on her all-night parking attendant shift and was falsely accused by an a*shole cop of making it up, only to have the criminal confess when caught doing it again, has won a $1.5 million lawsuit after the charges of stealing the money and making the story up. And a woman who was fired from her job in a Missouri elementary school cafeteria earlier this week after giving a free lunch to a needy student has been given her job back after public outrage.

Then, again, Texas cops who made 2 pretty girls stand along the highway and undergo a "body cavity search" in full view of passing motorists after they were accused of littering, are suing.

Left: Eero Herrick

Mr. Herrick was busted on a parole violation on arson charges and being a fugitive from California. There is a court record of Eero Herrick, a real winner, on arson charges: "Defendant habitually played his music too loudly. His apartment shared a wall with his neighbors. In July 2009, the neighbors called the police, who issued a written citation to defendant on their second visit. After the police left, the victim encountered defendant on the common landing outside their second-floor apartments and asked why he would not simply play his music more quietly. He said to the victim that “‘If you call the cops on me again or I get in trouble, I’ll take care of you myself.’” When the victim asked if that was a threat, defendant started to walk toward her, which scared her. Her fiancé came out of their apartment, at which point defendant turned and walked back into his residence...

At trial, the victim testified defendant had moved next door in March 2009. He played his music so loudly that the constant thrumming of the bass notes knocked items off the shelves in the victim’s apartment. On one occasion, she had defendant come into her apartment to hear how loud it was.
In mid-June, the victim had complained to the landlord about the noise. On July 3, the victim and defendant were both on their common landing, and the victim asked him “why can’t you just turn down your music‌” Defendant became angry and told her that if she made any more complaints to their landlord “that he would take care of [her] himself.” Defendant walked toward her. When her fiancé came out of their apartment, defendant went back into his apartment. The victim felt ongoing fear after this threat, which caused nightmares.
On July 7, defendant was playing his music particularly loudly beginning in the late afternoon. The victim asked her fiancé to call the police at about 11:30 p.m. After the police responded, the music briefly became quieter. When the music again grew very loud after midnight, her fiancé called the police again. An officer responded and told them he would issue a citation. She was still awake at 1:30 a.m. when her fiancé told her to call the police because someone was “messing with” her car. She ran out onto the balcony. She saw defendant, who had just broken the back window of her car. He lit the fuse on an object and threw it inside. It exploded with a flash. Her car suffered $4,000 in damages. "

Fortunately, it was California and not Florida, where Mr. Herrick could have claimed to be "standing his ground", and shot the woman. That happened today in Florida when a guy's pizza seemed to be a little slow at Little Caeser's. Or Colorado, where a mom took a semi-automatic to school to threaten 4 kids she thought had been bullying her daughter. Or Missouri, where an argument at the shooting of kids last week in Sandy Hook resulted in a gun fight. Or Virginia, where a guy tried to show how "lax" security is at a local school by rushing in with an assault rifle. You'd think that all these red-state gun nuts - who want to start SENDING guns into schools - would have taken a cue from the fact that last week's mass killer started with his mom, who was a gun nut too, and it was her weapons he turned on the school. In California, the wackos at least resort to gasoline. In Chicago, it's socks filled with poop.

And as for the poor people grieving in Newtown, they're getting tired of the shark feeding frenzy: "We need you to help us beg people to stop calling the victims," a local business owner told reporter Adrienne LaFrance. "They're in mourning. Someone actually pounded on a friend's door and, literally, they were shouting, 'Someone in this town has to start talking to us, this is our story.' That's how we're being treated."

Many Newtowners descended on the Facebook page of the Newtown Bee to share stories of harassment by members of the media. "The phone calls from 7am-11pm need to stop," wrote Christine Wilford. "And coming to my doorstep was completely out of line. LEAVE US ALL ALONE." The sentiment was shared, albiet more bluntly, by a local bar patron who complained to LaFrance that reporters were stalking residents. "It's like, fuck you," he said. "Go away. Leave us the fuck alone.""

Above: Darren Perreard, Mark Beers and Rocky Conser.  It's Old Home Week for the city's disturbed, as we in Corvallis, as elsewhere, rely on police officers rather than mental health professionals to be the front line in mental health cases. We are fortunate that our local folks are more apt to crash parties or be belligerent than to pick out a semi- automatic.

And speaking of lunatics, there are actually morons in town suggesting that the ideal scenario would have been an OK Corral scenario, with another gun nut at Clackamas Center shooting back, across 10,000 people, at the gunman. Doesn't that make you feel safer?

 

WEEK OF JAN 1, 2012

 CHRISTY'S CRIME BEAT:   
 THE MEANEST, NASTIEST ARCH-CRIMINALS THIS SIDE OF ALICE'S RESTAURANT
See archives from preceding weeks here.
Right: Ruth Burns

Ms Burns was one of 3 cops shot in a New Jersey police station this morning by another maniac, this one being arrested for stalking his ex- in violation of a restraining order. Expect an NRA announcement at noon that we need to stop these shootings by posting armed security guards, or arming the cops, in police stations. Makes as much sense as any other NRA announcement. The shooter grabbed a cop's firearm by the way.

Oh, and did you see the news that some gun nut at his local show shot himself in the foot - literally - while stepping into the area designated for "clearing" your weapon? This is the guy the NRA wants "protecting" you at the Clackamas Town Center. One of them is also the nut who pushed another guy to his death today on the subway because "believed him to be a Muslim or a Hindu".

Left: Tyson Risland

The third Risland has been busted this week. Tyson, for whom - along with Dusty and Garth, the Risland Crime scholarship in changing their own adult diaper is named - was popped "as police arrested Tyson Wayne Risland, 21, from a Corvallis residence on two warrants, they discovered items in his possession that his roommate had reported stolen." Gasp! Not Tyson! Not stealing! Anyone who takes a Risland as a roommate might as well be hanging a sign on the side of the house that says "Steal My Stuff". The 3 could provide a full time income to some cop in Louisiana, where a Times-Picayune exposé today called the "prison capital of the world", with 3 times the level of imprisonment as the next leading country in the world - Iran. One in 86 people in Louisiana because "more than half of the inmates in the state are housed in local prisons run by sheriffs, and the state's correction system has created financial incentives for those sheriffs to keep prisons full". Because. Republican Heaven. Bobby Jindal.
Bobby Jindal's ancestors have a handle on this crime thing, since they are from India, in the news lately as the Gang Rape Capital of the world, where this week one victim remains in the hospital and another has committed suicide because the cops and government officials don't take rape seriously, say the people there. They say it when they're taking a break from rioting about the cops and officials not taking it seriously.

Not that India is alone. A Catholic priest has raised the ire of Italians after posting on Facebook that Italian women bring rape on themselves by serving their husbands cold food and dressing provocatively. That's in a country whose Prime Minister is the world's most famous pedophile. The priest just made matters worse by telling a reporter who told him he wasn't seized by the urge to rape, that the reporter must be gay.

In related news, "an American church is promising gay men they will be cured of their homosexuality if they stroke horses". The Cowboy church: "Show me on the horse where you’d like Jesus to touch you." In this state, that would be a crime, but not in Virginia. "Neigh away the gay", Wonkette advise.

At least these 3 might someday find themselves out of the ridiculous thief category and onto the level of, say, three year old Noah Jeffry (below), who manged to squeeze himself into one of those machines with the cranes you pick up toys with, and start handing out freebies to the locals.

Left: Noah Jeffrey

Law Enforcement Against Prohibition today released the figures: every 43 seconds a pot bust occurs in the U.S. Benton County has more than our share - which should be ZERO!

One more piece of law enforcement news worth noting today: Cops from around the state of Connecticut pitched in to give their Newtown peers Christmas Day off. Sweet!

Left: Cooper Neal Myers

In Fugitive- from- Holdout- Republican- Sh*tholes news, Cooper Myers has been busted for burglary, criminal mischief and harassment. Mr. Myers was busted twice in Roseburg, in May of this year for harassment and once in November last year.

In other Northwest Republican news, Sen. Mike Crapo (R-Idaho) was arrested on Sunday morning in Alexandria, Virginia for driving around under the influence. "This is already hilarious and awesome! It gets even better though! Thank you, internets, for giving us this day. He is also one of the fiscal cliff “gang of eight.” (Side note: stop. just stop. None of you people are a gang of anything. Maybe a gaggle. Gaggle of eight sounds lovely, doesn’t it?) Please to insert your own joke here about how you would be driven to drink if YOU had to negotiate anything related to the fiscal cliff. You may also insert a joke about how, while driving drunk, he could have driven off a fiscal cliff. Thanks for doing our work for us, because we are not paid enough by the Editrix to make our own jokes anymore.
You know what? We got nothin’. There’s nothing we can say that is actually more funny than to state, simply, that an abstinent Mormon Republican fiscal cliff gang of eight negotiator named Mike Crapo who gets tax breaks for the beer industry got popped for drunk driving."

In other news about the Republican base, "It has now been admitted that traders at two major financial institutions were fixing LIBOR — the London Interbank Offered Rate, used to set the interest rates of $800 trillion worth of financial products, including credit cards and mortgages. That figure again: $800 trillion!" And Willard "Mitt" Romney, who is now claiming he never really wanted to be president despite spending billions - TWICE - on it, has now been caught spending millions on his "transition team", including three quarters of a million on furniture, all at the public's expense. No charges. One law for the rich, one for the rest of us. And now that we've all made it past the day civilization was spozd to fold and let all the ing nuts run loose, there is a real lesson to be learned by the right wing here: the demise of Mayan high society occurred because climate change drove droughts. And on the topic of Central America and ruling officialdom, the top narcotics officer in Mexico is resigning, not because of the election or all the corruption and drug cartel hit men in his organization he says, but to go to work for private industry - that's Big Pharma in his line of work. And on that topic, a new exposé has hot the streets. Surprise, surprise! "“Drugs are tested by the people who manufacture them, in poorly designed trials, on hopelessly small numbers of weird, unrepresentative patients, and analysed using techniques which are flawed by design, in such a way that they exaggerate the benefits of treatments. Unsurprisingly, these trials tend to produce results that favour the manufacturer. When trials produce results that companies don’t like, they are perfectly entitled to hide them from doctors and patients, so we only ever see a distorted picture of any drug’s true effects.”

Oh yes, more on the Republican thesis of women- cause- rapes, the Swazi pols have outlawed short skirts and midriff blouses, claiming they drive men to rape women. And in India, cops have turned the firehoses and riot squads on enraged crowds after a bus driver was caught on film driving around and picking up new crowds of men to gang rape a woman who is now in the hospital with serious injuries. The government's response was to say that lowering the marriage age would solve the rape problem in India.

In other Oregon crime news, 2 Stayton kids have been busted for threats. And another gun nut has been busted in Toledo for massacring elk illegally and mounting the carcass of one in his house. Elsewhere, 2 New York firefighters have been shot dead by an arsonist who baited a trap for them. And gun nuts are petitioning to have deported the news host who called one of their number "an unbelievably stupid man" on nation wide TV. In New York, even the Fox News associate, the Daily News, is calling the NRA's chief "the craziest man on earth" after last week's rant. But ya gotta be more careful about busting kids - one who annually hands out Christmas candy at school told his peers they could expect the usual "surprise" and was popped for it. A newspaper in New York, on the other hand, has treated gun nuts like sex offenders and published their names and addresses and has drawn a lot of heat for it.

Left: Found - Corinne Motley

Within hours of her photo being posted by Homeland Security officials trying to track down a child abuser and kiddie porn producer, Florida's Corinne Motley has been identified and arrested.

In related news local preacher and youth pastor Christopher Fowler has been sentenced to 4 years for kiddie porn after setting up a camera in a church bathroom.

In other slap- on- the- wrist- sentencing news for the connected, the corporate trade rag, the Economist is actually recommending prosecutions of corporate officials who break the law rather than letting them hide behind the corporate logo for crimes committed. As an example, might we cite the case of HDBC which is skating this week after laundering drug money for Mexican cartels for years? "Too big to indict", apparently. And of course, there's a related instance of Paula Broadwell, who sent threats to, and stalked, the lover of CIA director Petraeus - she's not going to be indicted either.

But nothing surpasses this: "Sometimes people die and it is very, very sad. Sometimes people die, and they are Don Haidl. Haidl was assistant sheriff in Orange County, California, when his son and several of said son’s buddies videotaped themselves gang-raping passed-out 16-year-old acquaintance Jane Doe on a pool table, with a snapple bottle, a pool cue, and a lit cigarette. Assistant Sheriff Haidl then used some portion of his hundreds of millions of dollars (from government contracts, of course) to finance a defense that would accuse Jane Doe of raping the boys. And now Don Haidl is dead at 61. Universe, moral arc, justice, etc."

But sometimes, justice prevails. A woman who was robbed and raped on her all-night parking attendant shift and was falsely accused by an a*shole cop of making it up, only to have the criminal confess when caught doing it again, has won a $1.5 million lawsuit after the charges of stealing the money and making the story up. And a woman who was fired from her job in a Missouri elementary school cafeteria earlier this week after giving a free lunch to a needy student has been given her job back after public outrage.

Then, again, Texas cops who made 2 pretty girls stand along the highway and undergo a "body cavity search" in full view of passing motorists after they were accused of littering, are suing.

Left: Eero Herrick

Mr. Herrick was busted on a parole violation on arson charges and being a fugitive from California. There is a court record of Eero Herrick, a real winner, on arson charges: "Defendant habitually played his music too loudly. His apartment shared a wall with his neighbors. In July 2009, the neighbors called the police, who issued a written citation to defendant on their second visit. After the police left, the victim encountered defendant on the common landing outside their second-floor apartments and asked why he would not simply play his music more quietly. He said to the victim that “‘If you call the cops on me again or I get in trouble, I’ll take care of you myself.’” When the victim asked if that was a threat, defendant started to walk toward her, which scared her. Her fiancé came out of their apartment, at which point defendant turned and walked back into his residence...

At trial, the victim testified defendant had moved next door in March 2009. He played his music so loudly that the constant thrumming of the bass notes knocked items off the shelves in the victim’s apartment. On one occasion, she had defendant come into her apartment to hear how loud it was.
In mid-June, the victim had complained to the landlord about the noise. On July 3, the victim and defendant were both on their common landing, and the victim asked him “why can’t you just turn down your music‌” Defendant became angry and told her that if she made any more complaints to their landlord “that he would take care of [her] himself.” Defendant walked toward her. When her fiancé came out of their apartment, defendant went back into his apartment. The victim felt ongoing fear after this threat, which caused nightmares.
On July 7, defendant was playing his music particularly loudly beginning in the late afternoon. The victim asked her fiancé to call the police at about 11:30 p.m. After the police responded, the music briefly became quieter. When the music again grew very loud after midnight, her fiancé called the police again. An officer responded and told them he would issue a citation. She was still awake at 1:30 a.m. when her fiancé told her to call the police because someone was “messing with” her car. She ran out onto the balcony. She saw defendant, who had just broken the back window of her car. He lit the fuse on an object and threw it inside. It exploded with a flash. Her car suffered $4,000 in damages. "

Fortunately, it was California and not Florida, where Mr. Herrick could have claimed to be "standing his ground", and shot the woman. That happened today in Florida when a guy's pizza seemed to be a little slow at Little Caeser's. Or Colorado, where a mom took a semi-automatic to school to threaten 4 kids she thought had been bullying her daughter. Or Missouri, where an argument at the shooting of kids last week in Sandy Hook resulted in a gun fight. Or Virginia, where a guy tried to show how "lax" security is at a local school by rushing in with an assault rifle. You'd think that all these red-state gun nuts - who want to start SENDING guns into schools - would have taken a cue from the fact that last week's mass killer started with his mom, who was a gun nut too, and it was her weapons he turned on the school. In California, the wackos at least resort to gasoline. In Chicago, it's socks filled with poop.

And as for the poor people grieving in Newtown, they're getting tired of the shark feeding frenzy: "We need you to help us beg people to stop calling the victims," a local business owner told reporter Adrienne LaFrance. "They're in mourning. Someone actually pounded on a friend's door and, literally, they were shouting, 'Someone in this town has to start talking to us, this is our story.' That's how we're being treated."

Many Newtowners descended on the Facebook page of the Newtown Bee to share stories of harassment by members of the media. "The phone calls from 7am-11pm need to stop," wrote Christine Wilford. "And coming to my doorstep was completely out of line. LEAVE US ALL ALONE." The sentiment was shared, albiet more bluntly, by a local bar patron who complained to LaFrance that reporters were stalking residents. "It's like, fuck you," he said. "Go away. Leave us the fuck alone.""

Above: Darren Perreard, Mark Beers and Rocky Conser.  It's Old Home Week for the city's disturbed, as we in Corvallis, as elsewhere, rely on police officers rather than mental health professionals to be the front line in mental health cases. We are fortunate that our local folks are more apt to crash parties or be belligerent than to pick out a semi- automatic.

And speaking of lunatics, there are actually morons in town suggesting that the ideal scenario would have been an OK Corral scenario, with another gun nut at Clackamas Center shooting back, across 10,000 people, at the gunman. Doesn't that make you feel safer?

Another shooting, at an Alabama hospital. 3 dead.

It's curious how Fox News and Loonies mistook a guy on Facebook with the same last name as the assassin and son of "an avid gun collector" in the Connecticut town housing the nation's 2nd biggest gun nut lobby, and noted how he "likes" Mass Effect, the video game and immediately jumped on video games as the "cause" of the shootings. The same thing happened with Marilyn Manson after the Columbine shootings.

Right: Marilyn Manson

In the wake of the last week's insanity, it might be useful to remember that - since Ronald Reagan threw the mentally ill on the street - it's easier in the U.S. to buy a gun than to find mental health help. And also to reflect on Marilyn Manson's writing at the time of the Columbine shooting, to those who would have liked to blame such things on Manson's rock and roll:

It is sad to think that the first few people on earth needed no books, movies, games or music to inspire cold-blooded murder. The day that Cain bashed his brother Abel's brains in, the only motivation he needed was his own human disposition to violence. Whether you interpret the Bible as literature or as the final word of whatever God may be, Christianity has given us an image of death and sexuality that we have based our culture around. A half-naked dead man hangs in most homes and around our necks, and we have just taken that for granted all our lives. Is it a symbol of hope or hopelessness? The world's most famous murder-suicide was also the birth of the death icon -- the blueprint for celebrity. Unfortunately, for all of their inspiring morality, nowhere in the Gospels is intelligence praised as a virtue.

A lot of people forget or never realize that I started my band as a criticism of these very issues of despair and hypocrisy. The name Marilyn Manson has never celebrated the sad fact that America puts killers on the cover of Time magazine, giving them as much notoriety as our favorite movie stars. From Jesse James to Charles Manson, the media, since their inception, have turned criminals into folk heroes. They just created two new ones when they plastered those dipshits Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris' pictures on the front of every newspaper. Don't be surprised if every kid who gets pushed around has two new idols.

We applaud the creation of a bomb whose sole purpose is to destroy all of mankind, and we grow up watching our president's brains splattered all over Texas. Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised. Does anyone think the Civil War was the least bit civil? If television had existed, you could be sure they would have been there to cover it, or maybe even participate in it, like their violent car chase of Princess Di. Disgusting vultures looking for corpses, exploiting, fucking, filming and serving it up for our hungry appetites in a gluttonous display of endless human stupidity.

When it comes down to who's to blame for the high school murders in Littleton, Colorado, throw a rock and you'll hit someone who's guilty. We're the people who sit back and tolerate children owning guns, and we're the ones who tune in and watch the up-to-the-minute details of what they do with them. I think it's terrible when anyone dies, especially if it is someone you know and love. But what is more offensive is that when these tragedies happen, most people don't really care any more than they would about the season finale of Friends or The Real World. I was dumbfounded as I watched the media snake right in, not missing a teardrop, interviewing the parents of dead children, televising the funerals. Then came the witch hunt.

Man's greatest fear is chaos. It was unthinkable that these kids did not have a simple black-and-white reason for their actions. And so a scapegoat was needed. I remember hearing the initial reports from Littleton, that Harris and Klebold were wearing makeup and were dressed like Marilyn Manson, whom they obviously must worship, since they were dressed in black. Of course, speculation snowballed into making me the poster boy for everything that is bad in the world. These two idiots weren't wearing makeup, and they weren't dressed like me or like goths. Since Middle America has not heard of the music they did listen to (KMFDM and Rammstein, among others), the media picked something they thought was similar.

Responsible journalists have reported with less publicity that Harris and Klebold were not Marilyn Manson fans -- that they even disliked my music. Even if they were fans, that gives them no excuse, nor does it mean that music is to blame. Did we look for James Huberty's inspiration when he gunned down people at McDonald's? What did Timothy McVeigh like to watch? What about David Koresh, Jim Jones? Do you think entertainment inspired Kip Kinkel, or should we blame the fact that his father bought him the guns he used in the Springfield, Oregon, murders? What inspires Bill Clinton to blow people up in Kosovo? Was it something that Monica Lewinsky said to him? Isn't killing just killing, regardless if it's in Vietnam or Jonesboro, Arkansas? Why do we justify one, just because it seems to be for the right reasons? Should there ever be a right reason? If a kid is old enough to drive a car or buy a gun, isn't he old enough to be held personally responsible for what he does with his car or gun? Or if he's a teenager, should someone else be blamed because he isn't as enlightened as an eighteen-year-old?

America loves to find an icon to hang its guilt on. But, admittedly, I have assumed the role of Antichrist; I am the Nineties voice of individuality, and people tend to associate anyone who looks and behaves differently with illegal or immoral activity. Deep down, most adults hate people who go against the grain. It's comical that people are naive enough to have forgotten Elvis, Jim Morrison and Ozzy so quickly. All of them were subjected to the same age-old arguments, scrutiny and prejudice. I wrote a song called "Lunchbox," and some journalists have interpreted it as a song about guns. Ironically, the song is about being picked on and fighting back with my Kiss lunch box, which I used as a weapon on the playground. In 1979, metal lunch boxes were banned because they were considered dangerous weapons in the hands of delinquents. I also wrote a song called "Get Your Gunn." The title is spelled with two n's because the song was a reaction to the murder of Dr. David Gunn, who was killed in Florida by pro-life activists while I was living there. That was the ultimate hypocrisy I witnessed growing up: that these people killed someone in the name of being "pro-life."

The somewhat positive messages of these songs are usually the ones that sensationalists misinterpret as promoting the very things I am decrying. Right now, everyone is thinking of how they can prevent things like Littleton. How do you prevent AIDS, world war, depression, car crashes? We live in a free country, but with that freedom there is a burden of personal responsibility. Rather than teaching a child what is moral and immoral, right and wrong, we first and foremost can establish what the laws that govern us are. You can always escape hell by not believing in it, but you cannot escape death and you cannot escape prison.

It is no wonder that kids are growing up more cynical; they have a lot of information in front of them. They can see that they are living in a world that's made of bullshit. In the past, there was always the idea that you could turn and run and start something better. But now America has become one big mall, and because of the Internet and all of the technology we have, there's nowhere to run. People are the same everywhere. Sometimes music, movies and books are the only things that let us feel like someone else feels like we do. I've always tried to let people know it's OK, or better, if you don't fit into the program. Use your imagination -- if some geek from Ohio can become something, why can't anyone else with the willpower and creativity? I chose not to jump into the media frenzy and defend myself, though I was begged to be on every single TV show in existence. I didn't want to contribute to these fame-seeking journalists and opportunists looking to fill their churches or to get elected because of their self-righteous finger-pointing. They want to blame entertainment? Isn't religion the first real entertainment? People dress up in costumes, sing songs and dedicate themselves in eternal fandom. Everyone will agree that nothing was more entertaining than Clinton shooting off his prick and then his bombs in true political form. And the news -- that's obvious. So is entertainment to blame? I'd like media commentators to ask themselves, because their coverage of the event was some of the most gruesome entertainment any of us have seen.

I think that the National Rifle Association is far too powerful to take on, so most people choose Doom, The Basketball Diaries or yours truly. This kind of controversy does not help me sell records or tickets, and I wouldn't want it to. I'm a controversial artist, one who dares to have an opinion and bothers to create music and videos that challenge people's ideas in a world that is watered-down and hollow. In my work I examine the America we live in, and I've always tried to show people that the devil we blame our atrocities on is really just each one of us. So don't expect the end of the world to come one day out of the blue -- it's been happening every day for a long time.
MARILYN MANSON

Left: Alicia Janee Powell

Ms Powell was busted on heroin charges. One third of those now in the local jail are being held on non-violent drug charges. Additionally, others are being held on racketeering charges for selling illegal drugs, and still others for drug court violations. But finally, some rational news on the War on Drugs: President Obama has said the federal government is not going to lead another crusade against states which have decided to legalize pot. Former President Jimmy Carter has said that it's a good thing that the legalization has only occurred sporadically, since that will allow other states to gauge the impact. He noted that Portugal, which decriminalized all drugs, has seen a drop in drug use. It's little wonder that, as Governor Kitzhaber says, the state's prisons are breaking our back financially.

In other drug news, the son of the Texas cop advising Homeland security, was busted and accused of guarding drugs for narcotics traffickers.

Below, at the border: "Show me a fifty foot fence and I'll show you a 51 foot ladder"

Oh, did we mention Florida today? A Florida man accused of having sex with a miniature donkey named Doodle is protected by the United States Constitution, his lawyers say. Oh yes, and there as the Florida guy who gunned a kid down for playing loud music - his charges were upgraded today And the Florida guy busted today for gunning his room mate down in an argument over how to fix pork chops. And today, the NRA is congratulating Florida for having 1 million of these nuts running around with concealed weapons permits. Oops, nearly forgot - Mitt Romney spotted yesterday in a Florida State sweatshirt robbed a bank, at least some one wearing a Mitt Romney mask did - the same bank was robbed 2 years ago by someone wearing a Hillary Clinton mask.

Dusty and Garth Risland, the role models for the smash hit movie of 1994, Dumb and Dumber are still going strong, and are back in the slammer again. Both are in jail for post-prison violations. With their peer Garth Tyson, they are the name sakes of the Risland scholarship (see below), and have often appeared in court simultaneously (see below)

In other bizarre need- to- find- some- other- line- of- work news on crime: " two hit men were arrested as part of an elaborate plot to murder and castrate Justin Bieber. The plot was reportedly hatched in prison, where convicted murderer and rapist Dana Martin recruited then-fellow inmate Mark Aaron Staake to carry out the gruesome crime (which was to involve strangulation with a paisley tie. Staake then convinced his nephew, Tanner Ruane, to assist in the crime, which was set to take place at Bieber's recent concert at Madison Square Garden. Perhaps because he was the youngest, Ruane was in charge of the actual castration, an act which, as The Toronto Star reports, was surprisingly lucrative – the duo was set to receive a bounty of $2,500 for each severed testicle. For reasons that still aren't clear, Martin, who has a tattoo of Bieber on his leg, had a change of heart and alerted authorities about the plot. Staake was arrested in Vermont on outstanding warrants, but his nephew was released. New York police eventually arrested Ruane after recording calls with Martin during which Ruane expressed disappointment that he couldn't carry out the crime. When he was detained, police found "murder tools" and pruning shears in Ruane's possession."

In other crime news this week, it has been discovered that Florida - that staunch "right to life" claimant - has been unofficially murdering hundreds of kids for a century. Mass graves are being discovered throughout the state's juvenile facility, which housed kids jailed for "for often minor infractions such as truancy or incorrigibility”.

Meanwhile, justice is being served on the poor: "Tanya Abbey and her three children face eviction from their Section 8 rent-assisted housing after her son Oran, 13, was caught shoplifting a pair of shoes from a local K-Mart. The family is uncertain whether they will be able to find a place in a shelter. The boy said that he stole the shoes because his old shoes were worn out and his feet were cold." Meanwhile, in Lansing, developers have gotten public funds for a hockey arena, from the education budget:  "This is a direct subsidy by school kids to allow a billionaire to build a hockey arena." Serves all those kids aka potential shoe stealers - right. Now THAT'S justice! ANd while this is going on, and Minnesota is poor-mouthing itself, claiming lack of funds, the legal costs of defending the Republican Senate leader against sex charges from a former aide are mushrooming.

Right: Rex Arnold Gnos

Mr. Gnos, cops say, was busted for sex abuse and sodomy in Washington County after Philomath cops found he had sexually abused a 7th grader when she and her mom were staying with him at local motels. Mr. Gnos's Facebook page says he's a sheet metal contractor.

In other sex crime news, the Supreme Homophobe, Anthony Scalia, whose slurs masquerading as nightclub humor wouldn't be quite so offensive if he didn't also take his joke to work with him, equating being gay with being a murderer, and he's "looking into" gay marriage with his other Supreme Courters this week: Hey gay homosexuals! Be happy! The Supreme Court is going to hear your gay cases about all the sick things you gays do, like get married and serve in the military. Wait, what? You’re NOT uniformly happy that the Supreme Court will hear your gay cases because there’s some complex different issues blah blah blah? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM US?

In other crime news, the Prime Minister of the Cayman Islands, where Republican George Romeny squirreled away millions to avoid taxes, has been arrested  for "financial irregularities". Financial Irregularities is the Cayman Islands national anthem ("He's got fi- nan- shal irreg- yew- lar- ities bum- dah"). The Prime Minister's name, incidentally, is Bush. And HSBC, the international bank, is set to plead guilty to laundering money for drug cartels which means it will be sent to prison for 55 years or so at hard labor in Louisiana or Arizona, since corporations are people too, right? Nah, it's "too big to go to jail" and is going to pay a fine and skate.

The nation's humor mag caught a similar sense of forgiveness for a group of kidnappers who wouldn't have been with us before the Bush administration. Cops "confirmed that a list of demands received Wednesday from the abductors of 14-year-old Julia Weatherford, the daughter of multimillionaire financier Austin Weatherford, only make sense given the state of the nation’s economy. “The kidnappers promise to release Julia in exchange for $6,000 to pay for a few months’ rent and groceries, as well as a monthly subway pass and a warm parka for a 10-year-old boy, which considering the state of things, isn’t entirely unreasonable,” investigator Mike Brumm told reporters. “In a booming economy, sure, we’re used to hostage-takers asking for bearer bonds and helicopters. But these individuals said they’d be happy if we just gave them the name of a good, affordable mechanic and any toys our kids don’t play with anymore.” The Weatherford family confirmed their intention to comply with the ultimatum, adding that they’d probably toss in a $100 Outback Steakhouse gift card so the perpetrators “can have a nice night out.”
 

Left: Anthony James Overholser

Mr. Overholser is a transplant from Waldport, a little Republican holdout on the Coast where some are still struggling with the concept of walking upright, and have not yet begun to consider other serious issues, like the treatment of others. He has been arrested on domestic violence charges and strangulation. Cops say he was beating and strangling a woman in Winco. He was arrested a few months ago:
" Anthony James Overholser, 24, was arrested on a charge of conspiracy to commit first-degree burglary..Officers responded to a report of an attempted burglary in the area of Northwest Gumwood Avenue and Robin Hood Street. A resident reported hearing someone trying to open his front door. He called out, and two men wearing bandannas over their faces ran away. The suspects had not been able to enter the house. While officers were searching for the suspects, they saw a man running from the area who dropped a laptop computer as he fled. The man was able to elude officers, and no dog team was available to track the suspect. The computer turned out to have been stolen from a different residence. The owners of the laptop had been at home when their residence was burglarized."

On that note, a burglar called 911 to ask for help when trapped in his pickup by the homeowner after hearing the homeowner instruct his son "If he gets out of the truck, shoot him in the legs". Also in gun nut news, a wolf beloved by visitors and tracked by scientists at Yellowstone national park has been shot dead by hunters, reigniting debate over the targeting of the animal. The alpha female, known as 832F and described by wildlife enthusiasts as a “rock star” due to her popularity, was found dead on Thursday outside the park’s boundary in Wyoming, the New York Times reported Sunday.

And in the category of the one- law- for- the- rich- and- another- for- everybody- else erected by Republicans over the years, it turns out that the CEOs of Hostess, who awarded themselves huge pay increases while bankrupting the company and laying off thousands, have been stealing pension funds for years. They have not been arrested. But steal a laptop... The public, of course, will be footing the bill.

On that note, the group of old Republican men who disguise themselves as the Supreme Court and meet monthly at the D.C. Elks will be holding a hearing on whether Big Pharma's practice of paying companies who produce cheaper medicines to hold them off the market, so consumers pay Pharma's higher prices, is legal. Vegas is taking no bets on how this group of corporate stooges will rule, despite it being a clear violation of anti-trust laws.

In other gender crimes, a Virgin Airlines ad is now suggesting date rape as an alternative to courting:

Left: Date Rape or Courting? asks Virgin Air

The company says it will pull the ad after the outrage that resulted.

And the gun nuts at the National Rifle Association got caught insisting that Kasandra Perkins might not have been gunned down by her ex-, football star Jovan Belcher, if there had been guns in the house. Information shows that there WERE at least eight guns in the house, but that Ms Perkins, like most other people, are more apt to offer tea in a discussion than to pull out a semi-automatic.

And that brings to mind the equally bizarre case of the roommate who put bleach in her roommate's tea after the latter complained she never washed her dishes.

Too, Sylvio Berlusconi, the world's most famous pedophile and sidekick of Disgrace, ex-president George Bush, has announced that he is running for office again in the hopes of suppressing kiddie sex trafficking charges dismissed.

And the president who told the country he had smoked pot but never inhaled, Bill Clinton, has told the country that the prohibition of pot amid the War on Drugs "has never worked". Under Clinton, 60% of federal prisoners and 25% of local prisoners were in jail for nonviolent drug crimes and there was a new position created for a Drug Czar.

Left: Jeramy Paul Ortega

Mr. Ortega is another Linn County grad, finally getting his GED at Eastern Oregon Correctional Institute 2 years ago. He was busted on a parole violation in Linn County a year ago and is now busted in Corvallis for a parole violation on sexual assault, failure to appear on driving after his license was revoked.

In other sex crime news, "it just isn’t a good time to be a public figure in the Chicago area if you’re into the teen girl thing. First everyone threw up in their mouths a little when Mel Reynolds announced he would run for Illinois’ 2nd Congressional District. Now, teen-romance man/Cook County* Attorney Tim Scannell has himself a Harassment Restraining Order for using too many cliches in his tortured love poems to minors."

There have now been 3 separate instances of local women reporting awakened in the night by an intruder fondling them and sorting through their underwear. The suspect is tall, thin, sports an Albany or Philomath t-shirt, and wears a hoodie. Police are asking for any one experiencing similar intrusions to report the incidents.

In other crime news from little Republican sh*tholes, a report today shows that if banks were forced to quit dodging their taxes, we could afford to rehire ALL teachers laid off. TWICE. Also, a crippled former Republican presidential hopeful Dob Dole showed up today hoping to see Congress approve a treaty on disabled people signed already by 126 nations. Once again, Republicans killed it. And a new set of Big Pharma emails shows that Merck kne its anti-osteoperosis drug, Fosamax, causes the jawbone to die, and yet simply made fun of their victims: "Ma toot hurts so bad". And the death of a CIA drug money bagman allegedly gunned down by a bag lady has received revived attention. The guy was also associated with Goldline Inc., associated with right wing extremist Glenn Beck, which agreed to refund millions taken in bait- and- switch schemes. Republican Jan Brewer smacked a reporter who dared to ask the governor of Arizona - where people are always fighting to grab water to grow their golf courses in the desert - about global warming. And a West Point cadet scheduled to graduate in June has quit, saying fundamentalist Christians have "illegally" taken control of the Academy.

"Hey, did you know that Congressman Darrell Issa invented your neighbor’s car alarm, the one that goes off for hours at a time, because your neighbor is a f*cking asshole? Congressman Darrell Issa got the idea for a car alarm after a satisfying career as a car robber and arsonist. He made hundreds of millions of dollars. You know what they say: create a need, and then fill it! But now someone has burgled Darrell Issa’s ill-gotten mansion of over one hundred thousand dollars in precious jewels. That someone is Karma, and she probably looks really pretty right now!"

America has called, and [Republican Star] Eric Cantor has answered. He and his compatriots in the GOP Cavalry will block the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (stilllllll) until one little bit of total nonsense, which nobody would miss, is removed. So which of the LIEBERALS’ poison pills is holding up VAWA? Is it the stuff about making it easier for immigrants to testify against abusive citizen-husbands? Is it the part where lesbians are treated as if they are human beings, in human relationships? You would think so, but it is not! Nope, it’s just a small piece of legislative terror whereby Native Americans would be able to prosecute white men (WHITE MEN!!!) for domestic abuse on tribal lands. F*CK THAT NOISE!

"Union Thugs Terrorize Michigan Cops’ Pepper Spray Canisters, With Their Faces:
Union thugs in Lansing, probably, why not?
Protestors stormed the Michigan capital yesterday on Thursday, prompting the police to use pepper spray,” says the police stenographer reporter over a video of people walking around in a fairly orderly fashion as they chant hey HEY, ho HO, et cetera cetera, like common terrifying thugs. Sadly, Pepper Spray Cop did not see fit to give any “food product” to the fellows from the Koch Brothers’ “grassroots” Americans for Prosperity, who broadcast old Gipper speeches for the education and benefit of the union president’s brothers. "

And in the Ain't- A- Crime- But- Oughtar- Be section, As if there were any doubt that Donald Trump is the world’s richest cranky toddler, the useless sack of bile is now pursuing a vendetta against the distiller of Glenfiddich whiskey after the company sponsored a contest that honored an opponent of a golf resort that Trump plans to build in Scotland. Trump’s latest case of the whining spitties erupted when Michael Forbes, a “quarryman and salmon fisherman” who has refused to sell his 28-acre property to Trump, was named “Top Scot” in a contest sponsored by the whiskey brand. In retaliation, Trump announced that his ptomaine-factory resorts and casinos will no longer sell any whiskeys made by Glenfiddich’s parent company, William Grant & Sons.

"Twinkie maker Hostess pissed off a lot of reasonable people by not only cutting worker pay while leaving the CEO's pay untouched, but also giving executives $1.75 million in bonuses at the same time they are liquidating the company and laying off 15,000 workers. That's some brazen shit. More enraging is how typical such behavior is.
More than 1,600 insiders-executives and others controlling a company-received bonuses, salaries, fees and other compensation totaling more than $1.3 billion in the months before their companies filed for Chapter 11, according to a Wall Street Journal analysis of more than 80 bankruptcy cases over the past five years."

Also, 49% of Republicans now believe that ACORN stole the 2012 election, although ACORN hasn't existed since 2010. Similarly, 66% of Republicans believe in demonic possession, but only 44% believe in global warming.

The nation's humorists put it all in perspective: "In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.
Citing numerous lethal actions over nearly two and a half centuries—including negligent health care policies, failure to fund reconstruction on dangerously dilapidated roads and bridges, and repeatedly putting American soldiers in harm’s way in every armed conflict dating back to the War of 1812—authorities handcuffed all 535 members of Congress today and escorted them from the Capitol building amidst a throng of onlookers. If convicted, prosecutors said, Congress would be officially deemed the most prolific killers in the nation’s history."

In other semi-shocking-killer news stories, Fox news co-host Greg Gutfeld started almost guffawing reporting the gunning down of black kids across the country. And a Monday argument over the cable television show The Walking Dead ended with a Long Island man firing a bullet into the back of his girlfriend because she would not take the possibility of a real zombie attack seriously.

In other crime news, Correctional officers at the Sampson Correctional Institution are being investigated for inmate abuse, after a group of prisoners banded together to claim the guards forced them to rub hot sauce on their genitals, "catch deadly snakes and kiss them [on] the mouth," and toss bunnies into oncoming traffic, in exchange for cigarettes, beer, and the privilege of working on road crew. Two people who live in a large Morgan Hill home have been arrested on suspicion of holding a handyman hostage and forcing him to do home repairs.

And "sometimes you come across a story from abroad that is so weird, but reported in such a straightforward, dull manner, that you think it's a mistranslation. The story behind this picture, which shows an impostor signing a massive fake business deal with the Ukranian government, is one of them. The picture was taken on November 26th, and shows the head of the Ukranian investment agency signing a business deal with what he thought was a representative of a Spanish gas company. It wasn't, and nobody knows exactly who he was, or why he duped Ukraine."

Oh, and those cigarettes listed in the "offensive littering" charges in Corvallis? It turns out their in big demand among sparrows for their nests. They provide comfy spots for the kids and repel mites.

In other sex crime news, the rape victim of a man she met online has now confessed that it wasn't really rape. It was just disappointing sex. And a guy whose ex- refused to take 'No' for an answer texted him 750 times in one day and then ran his mother down.

More pot news: the FBI is now saying that 43% of all the people jailed for drug possession were jailed on pot charges. What a waste. And a new report shows 11,400 were hospitalized last year for fake (synthetic) pot use.

Right: Amber Dan Lacy

Ms Lacy is another of Linn County's usual thieving meth addicts residents. She was busted on failing to appear on theft and drug charges. She was also busted on shoplifting and meth charges in February, the same day another Linn County resident was busted for following kids on the street naked, and another was busted weaving in and out of interstate traffic trying to hitch a ride after being released from a mental hospital. Prematurely, apparently, but in Linn County, you have to take your choice.

But on the positive side of the drug trade, a Microsoft executive says "“What Kentucky became for bourbon, the state of Washington is becoming for marijuana" now that the weed is legal. He is going to grow "upscale marijuana" so Bill Gates and his buds will have buds of their own, worth writing home about. And in California, a court has said a medical marijuana site cannot be evicted for activities protected in state law, as marijuana now is.

Then again, on the wacked out side, traditional Republican and Judaeo- Christian nutcase Rick Santorum, recently hired by the nutcase site, World Net Daily, which pushes birther fantasies and other conspiracies, says someone is trying to kill his daughter. In related news, a judge has twisted the First Amendment, which dictates the establishment of NO RELIGION, into saying only clergy can perform marriages. Meantime, right wing extremist Sheldon Adelson, who dropped $150 million trying to sway the election in favor of Republican candidates, is showing up to testify for changes in the Corrupt Foreign Practices laws, which prohibit bribery. He expects to be able to bribe whenever it suits him.

But not to worry. The Republican Party is looking to remake itself after its latest disaster. Some of the options:
* Start nominating hipper, more relatable 65-year-old men
* Begin rolling the R’s in “deportation” and “border fence”
* A bunch of abortions and stuff—whatever the gals want
* Project youthful vibe by requiring Republican congressmen to walk around Capitol doing yo-yo tricks
* Change party mascot to a Hispanic elephant
* Start one of those Twitter hashtags
* Eh, f*ck it—just disenfranchise as many people as possible


Right: Dusty Risland, busted 11 times since November.

About the Risland Rehab Clinic
Dusty Risland, for whom the Risland Rehab Clinic (see above) is named, is back in jail. Mr. Risland was recently busted for criminal trespassing, criminal possession of a forged instrument (counterfeit $20), felon in possession of a weapon and meth. The Dusty Risland Clinic mentioned in this column is strictly online, consisting of repetitive viewing of the video below, until the technique is mastered. The assumption of the Clinic is that there is a small subset labeled criminals who actually just do not know how to change their adult diapers when they full and are showing up, bewildered, seeking police assistance. That is the only possible explanation a rational person could come to. NOBODY could POSSIBLY be so stupid and inept, as criminals, as people like Mr. Risland pretend to be.

Note: there are several sleazy websites across the country posting mugshots, utilizing photos owned by the public, in the public domain, all run by Portlander Kyle Ritter, which will remove your mugshot for $39 or such from their sites. This is not one of them. Do not send in cash trying to have a mugshot removed. It would just be a waste of your time and your money. Instead, put your time into turning your life around. And your money into your kids.

WEEK OF NOV. 3, 2012

 

Left: Lance Allan Harris

Mr. Harris has been charged by the cops with stealing a car and theft. He has left his mugshot across the state, including little backwaters in Multnomah and Lane County, but his haunt seems to be Linn County. Natch.

The third Risland in recent days has been busted again. Tyson was picked up on parole/ probation violations on meth and 5 theft charges. That makes the trifecta complete since Garth and Dusty Risland were busted earlier

Left: Tyson Risland

Mr. Risland and his clan often appear in court together (see below)

Right: Daniel Aaron Paulding

They may be de-criminalizing pot in places as removed as Colorado and Kalamazoo but not in Corvallis. The sheriff insists on busting folks like Mr. Paulding for possession or distribution, ruining lives and savings. It's an old tradition, going back to the days when prohibition of alcohol was the rage and the prohibition Party was big in Corvallis. That party's primary benefactor locally was Greenberry Smith and the irony is that the place which has best kept his memory alive in name is Greenberry Tavern, north of Monroe..

Left: Willard Mitt Romney

News today suggests that the reason Mr. Romney is not willing to reveal his tax returns is because he is one of the 5000 felons amnestied in a deal with the Swiss bank UBS, that they turn over the names and the culprits would pay the taxes illegally avoided, in exchange for not being prosecuted. This is following Mr. Romeny's complaint today that "When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem." It's not NEAR the problem of the passengers being sucked out of the plane by an open window, of course, but.... c'est la vie, apparently. But then - Willard - wasn't that the name of the Rat in Charlotte's Web who was constantly whining.... "What's in it for me?"

Left: Erik John Meiser

The week has seen an mini-influx of right wing criminals. Erik John Meiser, the guy who has neo-Nazi tattooed on his hand and was interrupted in a burglary, by 2 Oregonians, only to have him stab 1 to death, was busted at the Super 8 motel. Locals have always viewed the string of motels along the riverfront as a threat to more than just aesthetics. Cops say they have no clue why Mr. Meiser came to Oregon since his lengthy criminal record is from remote states.

Above: Brandon Michal Haysom and the American Militia profile photo from his Facebook page.

Mr. Haysom is from Montana and was busted for theft, id theft, etc.

In other right wing crime news, Republican staffers for a failed presidential candidate who endorsed Mittens Romney have been charged with 36 counts of ballot fraud. Romney's backers in the Mormon church have begun initiating harsh measures in a desperate attempt to halt his slide into oblivion, threatening church members who are critical of Mr. Romney with excommunication. But of course, churches long ago dropped their charitable religious functions and instead have functioned as lobbying groups for the rich. In fact 1000 Christian mullahs preachers plan tomorrow to insist on their church adherents vote for Mittens Romney for president, and will then send their "sermons" to the IRS, knowing full well they are in violation of their religious tax exemptions. That is, of course, the only way Mr. Romney will get any votes in this country.

Chronic zipper-fumbler Herman Cain, smelling blood in the water, told reporters that he would likely have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he’d been the Republican nominee. “The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,” …said the man who quoted the wisdom of the Pokemon 2000 movie and whose deficit-ballooning “9-9-9″ tax proposal apparently originated in the video game “Sim City 4.”

Oh... a Republican House Speaker was busted stealing the signs of Democrats running against other Republican House members and then threw a profanity-laden spittle at one's wife. All on camera. And Nikki Haley, the Republican governor of South Carolina, has been caught putting a 14 year old daughter on the state payroll while Republican Scott Brown suddenly has $2 million he can't account for, while Mittens Romney has "lost" $9 million on his latest tax return. Hey, good times... like Republicans in the heyday of the George Bush administration. How did we ever manage a crime column after George and Dick Cheney left town?

Above: Paul Aaron Bonnen, busted for rape and sodomy. There is also a Paul Aaron Bonnen, above right, who looks to be the same yokel, who has been an active member of Portland's black-metal Nazi band scene, in the Immortal Pride (below) and Echoes of Emptiness. Mr. Bonnen performed as a headliner at the Volksfront International's "Althing" rally in St. Louis Missouri. Cops say Mr. Bonnen got a 16 year old passing- out drunk and had sex with her.

In related news:

Left: The Happy Hooker porn film that gave rise to Alan Roberts, the "director" of the hard core Christian right's anti-Moslem clip triggering riots globally.

After a week of slobbering by the mainstream media in an attempt to cover up the identity of the West Coast guy who made an Islamaphobic movie triggering world wide rioting after promotion by the same right wing Christian preacher in Florida, who threatened to burn a Koran in his church to promote his message on the "intolerance of Islam", the identity has been revealed. The guy convicted of bank fraud who was initially identified was a minor player.  It's actually Alan Roberts, Gawker revealed after tracking down municipal permits for the wack job. Mr. Roberta has no ties whatsoever to Egypt's tiny and defenseless Coptic community, and the right wing has done them a horrible disservice for linking them. He made porn films. Period. With porn film actors who thought they were making a film about the pyramid building era, only to find poor dubs over their voices in place. And the Christian right wing and pro-Israeli lobby who shoveled cash at him to make it are left with egg all over their faces. Bloody egg. And double for the idiots who responded exactly as the bigots planned for them..., whew! Mr. Roberts is hiding out and declining to say anything so it's possible he was told he was making a porn version of Cleopatra, and innocently tarred too.

Two of the Rislands, who - together with the residents of Philomath and Linn County - combine to account for 90% of the crime in Corvallis, were busted this week. Garth was hauled in for violating parole/ probation and Dusty was busted for robbery. In the past, we have set up the Risland scholarship in the belief that there must be some explanation for the clan's arrests, since their crimes are usually unbelievably incompetent. We have speculated that perhaps they are faking just because they need some advice on changing their Depends adult diapers. We assumed it to be incompetence, but news this week that there is a whole subset of Americans faking in order to get their diapers changed for purposes of sexual gratification has set us to thinking.

 

 

WEEK OF OCT 15

Right: Veronica Avila Diaz

Just when you think you've seen the height of vanity, after being forced to watch Ann and Willard "Mitt" Romney every night (see below, in case you've forgotten who Willard really is), comes Ms Avila Diaz, who has been busted for killing a 70 year old motorcyclist while she was primping for a photo as she drove. Cops say her husband, also busted, took the photo and tried to cover for her by claiming to have been behind the wheel since she doesn't have a license. It was he, after all, who asked to take her eyes off the road and look at him for the photo. The couple's 3 kids were in the van too. (Below: Willard)

Left: Colin Gene Behee

Mr. Behee is another right wing wacko busted recently. He wasn't busted for that, per se, since after all right wing wackos get appointed as editors of small town gazettes or are elected to Congress these days. One of them, in fact, Republican Congressman Paul Broun declared himself the latest to regard the Flintstones as a documentary, saying ""evolution, embryology, the Big Bang theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell. I don’t believe that the Earth’s but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That’s what the Bible says." Mr. Broun is the Republican sitting on the Congressional Science, Space and Technology Committee, in case you're ever wondering how the US lost our scientific edge.
But that's mild compared to the sociopath Republican candidate Charles Fuqua, who is now advocating capital punishment for "rebellious children", arguing that "a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents". The text he issued is called "God's Law, the Only Political Solution" and in related news, the 14 year old girl shot in the head by Taliban fundamentalists has survived another day and the attempt to "permanently remove" her has triggered nationwide protests in Pakistan. Such talk as Mr. Fuqua's makes anemic the mumblings of the local chucklehead Corvallis Republicans are trying to run against Democrat Pete DeFazio, or Romney's promise to throw OSU's male students - or anyone else who watches porn - into jail, and put Big Bird out of work, as he has done tens of thousands as head of the leverage firm, Bain Capital. But give Mr. Romney credit: "the former Massachusetts governor credits his rejuvenated campaign to one, singular tactic: lying a lot."I'm lying a lot more, and my lies are far more egregious than they’ve ever been,” a smiling Romney told reporters while sitting in the back of his campaign bus, adding that when faced with a choice to either lie or tell the truth, he will more than likely lie. “It’s a strategy that works because when I lie, I’m essentially telling people what they want to hear, and people really like hearing things they want to hear. Even if they sort of know that nothing I’m saying is true."
 
Mr Behee was actually busted not for his views or for lying, but for the 7 counts of kiddie sex crimes, which - when you stop to think of it - has been pretty characteristic of those who share his views. And it's not always kiddie sex crimes they're busted for. Republican Education and Girl Scouts leader, Robert White, was busted this week because he "would allegedly have employees come to empty rooms to pick up Avon products he sold them. He would then allegedly pull down his pants and expose himself". Oh, and Mr. Behee also was a felon in possession of a weapon.

Left: Lance Allan Harris

Mr. Harris has been charged by the cops with stealing a car and theft. He has left his mugshot across the state, including little backwaters in Multnomah and Lane County, but his haunt seems to be Linn County. Natch.

The third Risland in recent days has been busted again. Tyson was picked up on parole/ probation violations on meth and 5 theft charges. That makes the trifecta complete since Garth and Dusty Risland were busted earlier

Left: Tyson Risland

Mr. Risland and his clan often appear in court together (see below)

Right: Daniel Aaron Paulding

They may be de-criminalizing pot in places as removed as Colorado and Kalamazoo but not in Corvallis. The sheriff insists on busting folks like Mr. Paulding for possession or distribution, ruining lives and savings. It's an old tradition, going back to the days when prohibition of alcohol was the rage and the prohibition Party was big in Corvallis. That party's primary benefactor locally was Greenberry Smith and the irony is that the place which has best kept his memory alive in name is Greenberry Tavern, north of Monroe..

Left: Willard Mitt Romney

News today suggests that the reason Mr. Romney is not willing to reveal his tax returns is because he is one of the 5000 felons amnestied in a deal with the Swiss bank UBS, that they turn over the names and the culprits would pay the taxes illegally avoided, in exchange for not being prosecuted. This is following Mr. Romeny's complaint today that "When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem." It's not NEAR the problem of the passengers being sucked out of the plane by an open window, of course, but.... c'est la vie, apparently. But then - Willard - wasn't that the name of the Rat in Charlotte's Web who was constantly whining.... "What's in it for me?"

Left: Erik John Meiser

The week has seen an mini-influx of right wing criminals. Erik John Meiser, the guy who has neo-Nazi tattooed on his hand and was interrupted in a burglary, by 2 Oregonians, only to have him stab 1 to death, was busted at the Super 8 motel. Locals have always viewed the string of motels along the riverfront as a threat to more than just aesthetics. Cops say they have no clue why Mr. Meiser came to Oregon since his lengthy criminal record is from remote states.

Above: Brandon Michal Haysom and the American Militia profile photo from his Facebook page.

Mr. Haysom is from Montana and was busted for theft, id theft, etc.

In other right wing crime news, Republican staffers for a failed presidential candidate who endorsed Mittens Romney have been charged with 36 counts of ballot fraud. Romney's backers in the Mormon church have begun initiating harsh measures in a desperate attempt to halt his slide into oblivion, threatening church members who are critical of Mr. Romney with excommunication. But of course, churches long ago dropped their charitable religious functions and instead have functioned as lobbying groups for the rich. In fact 1000 Christian mullahs preachers plan tomorrow to insist on their church adherents vote for Mittens Romney for president, and will then send their "sermons" to the IRS, knowing full well they are in violation of their religious tax exemptions. That is, of course, the only way Mr. Romney will get any votes in this country.

Chronic zipper-fumbler Herman Cain, smelling blood in the water, told reporters that he would likely have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he’d been the Republican nominee. “The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,” …said the man who quoted the wisdom of the Pokemon 2000 movie and whose deficit-ballooning “9-9-9″ tax proposal apparently originated in the video game “Sim City 4.”

Oh... a Republican House Speaker was busted stealing the signs of Democrats running against other Republican House members and then threw a profanity-laden spittle at one's wife. All on camera. And Nikki Haley, the Republican governor of South Carolina, has been caught putting a 14 year old daughter on the state payroll while Republican Scott Brown suddenly has $2 million he can't account for, while Mittens Romney has "lost" $9 million on his latest tax return. Hey, good times... like Republicans in the heyday of the George Bush administration. How did we ever manage a crime column after George and Dick Cheney left town?

Above: Paul Aaron Bonnen, busted for rape and sodomy. There is also a Paul Aaron Bonnen, above right, who looks to be the same yokel, who has been an active member of Portland's black-metal Nazi band scene, in the Immortal Pride (below) and Echoes of Emptiness. Mr. Bonnen performed as a headliner at the Volksfront International's "Althing" rally in St. Louis Missouri. Cops say Mr. Bonnen got a 16 year old passing- out drunk and had sex with her.

In related news:

Left: The Happy Hooker porn film that gave rise to Alan Roberts, the "director" of the hard core Christian right's anti-Moslem clip triggering riots globally.

After a week of slobbering by the mainstream media in an attempt to cover up the identity of the West Coast guy who made an Islamaphobic movie triggering world wide rioting after promotion by the same right wing Christian preacher in Florida, who threatened to burn a Koran in his church to promote his message on the "intolerance of Islam", the identity has been revealed. The guy convicted of bank fraud who was initially identified was a minor player.  It's actually Alan Roberts, Gawker revealed after tracking down municipal permits for the wack job. Mr. Roberta has no ties whatsoever to Egypt's tiny and defenseless Coptic community, and the right wing has done them a horrible disservice for linking them. He made porn films. Period. With porn film actors who thought they were making a film about the pyramid building era, only to find poor dubs over their voices in place. And the Christian right wing and pro-Israeli lobby who shoveled cash at him to make it are left with egg all over their faces. Bloody egg. And double for the idiots who responded exactly as the bigots planned for them..., whew! Mr. Roberts is hiding out and declining to say anything so it's possible he was told he was making a porn version of Cleopatra, and innocently tarred too.

Two of the Rislands, who - together with the residents of Philomath and Linn County - combine to account for 90% of the crime in Corvallis, were busted this week. Garth was hauled in for violating parole/ probation and Dusty was busted for robbery. In the past, we have set up the Risland scholarship in the belief that there must be some explanation for the clan's arrests, since their crimes are usually unbelievably incompetent. We have speculated that perhaps they are faking just because they need some advice on changing their Depends adult diapers. We assumed it to be incompetence, but news this week that there is a whole subset of Americans faking in order to get their diapers changed for purposes of sexual gratification has set us to thinking.

Left: Jenny Lynn McCormack

The most important crime news this week in the region is a decision today that the Republican attempt to have a Northwest woman, Jenny Linn McCormack, imprisoned for 5 years for taking a pharmaceutical pill to interrupt and end an unwanted pregnancy.

The attempts by local Teabag partiers to make criminal the decisions of citizens simply going about their own lives is not surprising. The prohibitively expensive private prison industry in the northwest has bought immense influence among right wing politicians. GEO (Wells Fargo) and Corrections Corporation (Vanguard Capital) have launched campaign to bully cities and are now even demanding that governments furnish them with the numbers of inmates needed to make the prisons profitable. From pot to ending unwanted pregnancies, the Teabaggers are working hard locally to make those dreams come true. It's essential they make up for the assaults and killings, once felonious and now going unrestrained as a result of the "Angry Old White Guy" defense which the Teabaggers have made a valid argument. Whether in the case of the killing of Trayvon Martin or the geek who beat a teen viciously mowing a lawn and then tebowed, because the teen's mower had skidded off the curb while mowing his family's lawn, the violence is being justified and men who would formerly have been inmates are walking the streets again. But the jails will be full, if the Republican Party's platform is carried out, not only women who choose not to have children, but even with men who watch porn.

Oh yes - and let's not forget the 6 West Coast guys who robbed banks and drove through neighborhoods in their getaway, tossing cash from the car for the locals.

Left, above: Timothy Allen Dickason and above center, Benjamin Min Ho Campbell, perennial inmates in the county jail. Mr. Dickason manages tog et busted annually for drugs and failing to register as a sex offender. The Dickasons generally are a Philomath clan. Mr. Campbell has been on the wrong end of a SWAT team raid in Eugene, has robbed his own parents, driving a stolen car from Eugene. He was busted this time for meth, burglary, robbery, etc. Neither of the two seems able to walk and steal gum at the same time and are therefore also being awarded scholarships to the Risland Clinic (see below). Above right: Richard Douglas Rudolph, busted for rape, coercion, sex abuse and illegally possessing prescription drugs. The website mylife states he is from Yucca Valley in California but lived for a year in Corvallis in 2007. Cops say he raped a 12 year old in Alsea at that time.

By far the biggest mystery this week was the theft of an entire ATM from a local restaurant. Cops say no forced entry was made bu no employees are suspected of being involved. The keys were all accounted for and the thieves made off with $30000 as well as a $3500 ATM machine.

This Week's Terrible
Crimes:

WINNERS!!

Milo Rashad Lavine, left, another gift from Albany, is back in jail for doing what Albany residents do violating parole, going into someone else's car, burglary, theft, etc. Same for Benjamin William Pitts, above right, who is in jail this time for counts of burglary and theft. The pair warrant scholarships to the Risland Clinic (see below) for chronic petty thefts which cannot possibly be motivated by money. Mr. Pitt, for example, was last arrested in July for stealing a couple of fishing lures and some line. They can only be seeking out the cops for other reasons, probably for help in changing their adult diapers. And to save the public some expense, we here offer them some advice on how to do so themselves. The pair illustrate a stark fact: 90% of the city's criminals are from Albany, Philomath or the Risland clan.

But let's put this into perspective. When Wells Fargo emptied an entire house out, after instructing a crew to break into a house they mistakenly labeled as being foreclosed upon (the family had no mortgage; they built the house themselves), no charges ensued. "The deputy sheriff said, “Good news, we know who took (your possessions). Wells Fargo. Bad news, your stuff is all gone.”

Not the first time. "Nancy Cox returned home to find her possessions in the front yard, mistakenly smashed with a sledgehammer, and a chalk drawing of a clown face on her garage with the tagline, 'another job well done.' For Kenneth and Margaret Karpa in Pittsburgh, china and photos of their daughter were damaged. Missing belongings included a coin collection and the family cat. "

Today, even privatized water companies are getting in on the act.

The worst criminals in town walk scot free. The cartoon criminals, like Mr. Pitts and Mr. Lavine, are locked up. At public expense. The state alone is spending almost half as much on prisons as on educating all the kids in the state. Added together with counties and municipalities, we are likely in the same boat as California, spending more on prisons than on schools. It was Mark Twain who said, "if you close a school you better open a jail. It's like feeding a dog its own tail. You don't gain a thing."

By far, the best illustration of the prison issue came from the week's romantic photo, of a couple in hand cuffs, busted after being caught while he was tagging artistically.
 

Above: The pair; below: the artist- boyfriend at his grafitti work
Right: Tyler Ross Villeneuve

Mr. Villeneuve will never be accused of being the brightest bulb on the planet, but addicts rarely are. Mr. Villeneuve was busted when a pickup was spotted doing 80 mph with 3 others in the back and Mr. Villeneuve in the passenger side. The driver was carrying no license and Mr. Villeneuve was busted for stealing prescription pills cops found on him. Mr. Villeneuve was wanted in Salem for ID theft, a weapons charge, for breaking into a car, for stealing a car, etc. You might have thought that, knowing he was wanted, Mr. Villeneuve wouldn't be joy riding in a pickup at excessive speed. But, if he was really bright, he wouldn't have been doing all those things in Marion County either. He is being shipped to Salem as you read this.

Left: Teresa K. Torley

Ms Torley is listed as being the owner of Sassified (formerly Jewelry Spa and More, in the "Heritage Mall"), a tattoo/ piercing parlor which moved to Corvallis from Albany. Natch. She was busted on coercion and unlawful use of a firearm. No details available, but she was probably caught pistol whipping some guy into getting one of those heart tattoos with "peace" or " Love" superimposed on it. Or maybe they got one but refused to pay.  Or maybe she... (your ending here).

While tattooists from Albany were getting busted for crimes seeming to lean toward violence, the rest of the word looks to have mellowed out. The crimes of the week were Australian bandits stealing 11 tons of elderberries, picking them unnoticed, and Canadian bandits stealing 5 tons of maple syrup.

Remember like forty years ago when the world was choosing which nations would be responsible for which exports (United States: popstars, Sweden: frustrating-yet-affordable furniture, China: all goods), and it was decided that "maple syrup" seemed like the kind of thing Canada could handle?
"Is maple syrup even that important, guys?" asked Canada.
"Ohmygod, maple syrup is ABSOLUTELY important, Canada. I wish I had that. So jealous!" said all of the other nations, talking over themselves all at once.
"Okay, cool. I'll do it," said Canada.
Turns out the one job we asked Canada to do ("make—and do not lose track of—all the maple syrup"), Canada was unable to do.

Right: Randy Edward Drake

They ought to tattoo the foreheads of some of these people with Linn County Tweaker. Mr. Drake was busted for a variety of drug crimes, as well as driving suspended, violating parole/ probation, etc. Mr. Drake qualifies for this week's Dusty Risland Clinic scholarship (see below), and has left his mugshot across the state, including for a 40 mile chase in Linn County, where he is from, after he was caught rifling through cars last Christmas Eve. We've pointed it out many times - 95% of our criminals come from Linn County, Philomath or the Rislands. And we've often suggested that the quickest way to drop the county jail costs would be to establish a $500 toll coming across from Linn County, a toll which can be applied to bail when the inevitable occurs.

Left: Cale Windon Dudley

Mr. Dudley is a very disturbed individual, as most are who hail from those last little Republican sh*tholes in Oregon, in this case, Josephine County. He has been busted there for selling morphine, in Linn County for trespass and now here for disorderly conduct.

Speaking of disturbed individuals in Republican sh*tholes, Clint Eastwood's bizarre speech at the Republican convention has moved the internet to puzzled distraction, with some attributing sinister sabotage of the convention as a motive. Chris Rock's tweet of Mr. Eastwood to President Obama was "Everything went according to plan, Mr. President."

Left: Scott Bradley Gerhardt

Mr. Gerhardt was busted for violating a restraining order. There is a Washington County arrest of Mr. Gerhard the following day on the same charge and of a Scott B. Gerhardt, of Independence, for strangulation in July. A Mr. Gerhard's Facebook page, of a guy with the same age, says he was enrolled at OSU in Civil Engineering. The page suggests a thoughtful person, maybe out of his league in interpersonal matters, and a little too affected by a religious legacy.
 

Right: Michael Felix Sandoval

Mr. Sandoval has been released re-arrested, with a long history of arrests for theft, parole violations, etc., often related to a Sodomy 1 charge. In other states, Sodomy 1 is a rape charge, involving either minors or "legitimate rape" - as the Republicans call it.

 

Week of Sept. 23

Left: Willard Mitt Romney

News today suggests that the reason Mr. Romney is not willing to reveal his tax returns is because he is one of the 5000 felons amnestied in a deal with the Swiss bank UBS, that they turn over the names and the culprits would pay the taxes illegally avoided, in exchange for not being prosecuted. This is following Mr. Romeny's complaint today that "When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem." It's not NEAR the problem of the passengers being sucked out of the plane by an open window, of course, but.... c'est la vie, apparently. But then - Willard - wasn't that the name of the Rat in Charlotte's Web who was constantly whining.... "What;s in it for me?"

Left: Erik John Meiser

The week has seen an mini-influx of right wing criminals. Erik John Meiser, the guy who has neo-Nazi tattooed on his hand and was interrupted in a burglary, by 2 Oregonians, only to have him stab 1 to death, was busted at the Super 8 motel. Locals have always viewed the string of motels along the riverfront as a threat to more than just aesthetics. Cops say they have no clue why Mr. Meiser came to Oregon since his lengthy criminal record is from remote states.

Above: Brandon Michal Haysom and the American Militia profile photo from his Facebook page.

Mr. Haysom is from Montana and was busted for theft, id theft, etc.

In other right wing crime news, Republican staffers for a failed presidential candidate who endorsed Mittens Romney have been charged with 36 counts of ballot fraud. Romney's backers in the Mormon church have begun initiating harsh measures in a desperate attempt to halt his slide into oblivion, threatening church members who are critical of Mr. Romney with excommunication. But of course, churches long ago dropped their charitable religious functions and instead have functioned as lobbying groups for the rich. In fact 1000 Christian mullahs preachers plan tomorrow to insist on their church adherents vote for Mittens Romney for president, and will then send their "sermons" to the IRS, knowing full well they are in violation of their religious tax exemptions. That is, of course, the only way Mr. Romney will get any votes in this country.

Chronic zipper-fumbler Herman Cain, smelling blood in the water, told reporters that he would likely have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he’d been the Republican nominee. “The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,” …said the man who quoted the wisdom of the Pokemon 2000 movie and whose deficit-ballooning “9-9-9″ tax proposal apparently originated in the video game “Sim City 4.”

Oh... a Republican House Speaker was busted stealing the signs of Democrats running against other Republican House members and then threw a profanity-laden spittle at one's wife. All on camera. And Nikki Haley, the Republican governor of South Carolina, has been caught putting a 14 year old daughter on the state payroll while Republican Scott Brown suddenly has $2 million he can't account for, while Mittens Romney has "lost" $9 million on his latest tax return. Hey, good times... like Republicans in the heyday of the George Bush administration. How did we ever manage a crime column after George and Dick Cheney left town?

Above: Paul Aaron Bonnen, busted for rape and sodomy. There is also a Paul Aaron Bonnen, above right, who looks to be the same yokel, who has been an active member of Portland's black-metal Nazi band scene, in the Immortal Pride (below) and Echoes of Emptiness. Mr. Bonnen performed as a headliner at the Volksfront International's "Althing" rally in St. Louis Missouri. Cops say Mr. Bonnen got a 16 year old passing- out drunk and had sex with her.

In related news:

Left: The Happy Hooker porn film that gave rise to Alan Roberts, the "director" of the hard core Christian right's anti-Moslem clip triggering riots globally.

After a week of slobbering by the mainstream media in an attempt to cover up the identity of the West Coast guy who made an Islamaphobic movie triggering world wide rioting after promotion by the same right wing Christian preacher in Florida, who threatened to burn a Koran in his church to promote his message on the "intolerance of Islam", the identity has been revealed. The guy convicted of bank fraud who was initially identified was a minor player.  It's actually Alan Roberts, Gawker revealed after tracking down municipal permits for the wack job. Mr. Roberta has no ties whatsoever to Egypt's tiny and defenseless Coptic community, and the right wing has done them a horrible disservice for linking them. He made porn films. Period. With porn film actors who thought they were making a film about the pyramid building era, only to find poor dubs over their voices in place. And the Christian right wing and pro-Israeli lobby who shoveled cash at him to make it are left with egg all over their faces. Bloody egg. And double for the idiots who responded exactly as the bigots planned for them..., whew! Mr. Roberts is hiding out and declining to say anything so it's possible he was told he was making a porn version of Cleopatra, and innocently tarred too.

Two of the Rislands, who - together with the residents of Philomath and Linn County - combine to account for 90% of the crime in Corvallis, were busted this week. Garth was hauled in for violating parole/ probation and Dusty was busted for robbery. In the past, we have set up the Risland scholarship in the belief that there must be some explanation for the clan's arrests, since their crimes are usually unbelievably incompetent. We have speculated that perhaps they are faking just because they need some advice on changing their Depends adult diapers. We assumed it to be incompetence, but news this week that there is a whole subset of Americans faking in order to get their diapers changed for purposes of sexual gratification has set us to thinking.

Left: Jenny Lynn McCormack

The most important crime news this week in the region is a decision today that the Republican attempt to have a Northwest woman, Jenny Linn McCormack, imprisoned for 5 years for taking a pharmaceutical pill to interrupt and end an unwanted pregnancy.

The attempts by local Teabag partiers to make criminal the decisions of citizens simply going about their own lives is not surprising. The prohibitively expensive private prison industry in the northwest has bought immense influence among right wing politicians. GEO (Wells Fargo) and Corrections Corporation (Vanguard Capital) have launched campaign to bully cities and are now even demanding that governments furnish them with the numbers of inmates needed to make the prisons profitable. From pot to ending unwanted pregnancies, the Teabaggers are working hard locally to make those dreams come true. It's essential they make up for the assaults and killings, once felonious and now going unrestrained as a result of the "Angry Old White Guy" defense which the Teabaggers have made a valid argument. Whether in the case of the killing of Trayvon Martin or the geek who beat a teen viciously mowing a lawn and then tebowed, because the teen's mower had skidded off the curb while mowing his family's lawn, the violence is being justified and men who would formerly have been inmates are walking the streets again. But the jails will be full, if the Republican Party's platform is carried out, not only women who choose not to have children, but even with men who watch porn.

Oh yes - and let's not forget the 6 West Coast guys who robbed banks and drove through neighborhoods in their getaway, tossing cash from the car for the locals.

Left, above: Timothy Allen Dickason and above center, Benjamin Min Ho Campbell, perennial inmates in the county jail. Mr. Dickason manages tog et busted annually for drugs and failing to register as a sex offender. The Dickasons generally are a Philomath clan. Mr. Campbell has been on the wrong end of a SWAT team raid in Eugene, has robbed his own parents, driving a stolen car from Eugene. He was busted this time for meth, burglary, robbery, etc. Neither of the two seems able to walk and steal gum at the same time and are therefore also being awarded scholarships to the Risland Clinic (see below). Above right: Richard Douglas Rudolph, busted for rape, coercion, sex abuse and illegally possessing prescription drugs. The website mylife states he is from Yucca Valley in California but lived for a year in Corvallis in 2007. Cops say he raped a 12 year old in Alsea at that time.

By far the biggest mystery this week was the theft of an entire ATM from a local restaurant. Cops say no forced entry was made bu no employees are suspected of being involved. The keys were all accounted for and the thieves made off with $30000 as well as a $3500 ATM machine.

This Week's Terrible
Crimes:

WINNERS!!

Milo Rashad Lavine, left, another gift from Albany, is back in jail for doing what Albany residents do violating parole, going into someone else's car, burglary, theft, etc. Same for Benjamin William Pitts, above right, who is in jail this time for counts of burglary and theft. The pair warrant scholarships to the Risland Clinic (see below) for chronic petty thefts which cannot possibly be motivated by money. Mr. Pitt, for example, was last arrested in July for stealing a couple of fishing lures and some line. They can only be seeking out the cops for other reasons, probably for help in changing their adult diapers. And to save the public some expense, we here offer them some advice on how to do so themselves. The pair illustrate a stark fact: 90% of the city's criminals are from Albany, Philomath or the Risland clan.

But let's put this into perspective. When Wells Fargo emptied an entire house out, after instructing a crew to break into a house they mistakenly labeled as being foreclosed upon (the family had no mortgage; they built the house themselves), no charges ensued. "The deputy sheriff said, “Good news, we know who took (your possessions). Wells Fargo. Bad news, your stuff is all gone.”

Not the first time. "Nancy Cox returned home to find her possessions in the front yard, mistakenly smashed with a sledgehammer, and a chalk drawing of a clown face on her garage with the tagline, 'another job well done.' For Kenneth and Margaret Karpa in Pittsburgh, china and photos of their daughter were damaged. Missing belongings included a coin collection and the family cat. "

Today, even privatized water companies are getting in on the act.

The worst criminals in town walk scot free. The cartoon criminals, like Mr. Pitts and Mr. Lavine, are locked up. At public expense. The state alone is spending almost half as much on prisons as on educating all the kids in the state. Added together with counties and municipalities, we are likely in the same boat as California, spending more on prisons than on schools. It was Mark Twain who said, "if you close a school you better open a jail. It's like feeding a dog its own tail. You don't gain a thing."

By far, the best illustration of the prison issue came from the week's romantic photo, of a couple in hand cuffs, busted after being caught while he was tagging artistically.
 

Above: The pair; below: the artist- boyfriend at his grafitti work
Right: Tyler Ross Villeneuve

Mr. Villeneuve will never be accused of being the brightest bulb on the planet, but addicts rarely are. Mr. Villeneuve was busted when a pickup was spotted doing 80 mph with 3 others in the back and Mr. Villeneuve in the passenger side. The driver was carrying no license and Mr. Villeneuve was busted for stealing prescription pills cops found on him. Mr. Villeneuve was wanted in Salem for ID theft, a weapons charge, for breaking into a car, for stealing a car, etc. You might have thought that, knowing he was wanted, Mr. Villeneuve wouldn't be joy riding in a pickup at excessive speed. But, if he was really bright, he wouldn't have been doing all those things in Marion County either. He is being shipped to Salem as you read this.

Left: Teresa K. Torley

Ms Torley is listed as being the owner of Sassified (formerly Jewelry Spa and More, in the "Heritage Mall"), a tattoo/ piercing parlor which moved to Corvallis from Albany. Natch. She was busted on coercion and unlawful use of a firearm. No details available, but she was probably caught pistol whipping some guy into getting one of those heart tattoos with "peace" or " Love" superimposed on it. Or maybe they got one but refused to pay.  Or maybe she... (your ending here).

While tattooists from Albany were getting busted for crimes seeming to lean toward violence, the rest of the word looks to have mellowed out. The crimes of the week were Australian bandits stealing 11 tons of elderberries, picking them unnoticed, and Canadian bandits stealing 5 tons of maple syrup.

Remember like forty years ago when the world was choosing which nations would be responsible for which exports (United States: popstars, Sweden: frustrating-yet-affordable furniture, China: all goods), and it was decided that "maple syrup" seemed like the kind of thing Canada could handle?
"Is maple syrup even that important, guys?" asked Canada.
"Ohmygod, maple syrup is ABSOLUTELY important, Canada. I wish I had that. So jealous!" said all of the other nations, talking over themselves all at once.
"Okay, cool. I'll do it," said Canada.
Turns out the one job we asked Canada to do ("make—and do not lose track of—all the maple syrup"), Canada was unable to do.

Right: Randy Edward Drake

They ought to tattoo the foreheads of some of these people with Linn County Tweaker. Mr. Drake was busted for a variety of drug crimes, as well as driving suspended, violating parole/ probation, etc. Mr. Drake qualifies for this week's Dusty Risland Clinic scholarship (see below), and has left his mugshot across the state, including for a 40 mile chase in Linn County, where he is from, after he was caught rifling through cars last Christmas Eve. We've pointed it out many times - 95% of our criminals come from Linn County, Philomath or the Rislands. And we've often suggested that the quickest way to drop the county jail costs would be to establish a $500 toll coming across from Linn County, a toll which can be applied to bail when the inevitable occurs.

Left: Cale Windon Dudley

Mr. Dudley is a very disturbed individual, as most are who hail from those last little Republican sh*tholes in Oregon, in this case, Josephine County. He has been busted there for selling morphine, in Linn County for trespass and now here for disorderly conduct.

Speaking of disturbed individuals in Republican sh*tholes, Clint Eastwood's bizarre speech at the Republican convention has moved the internet to puzzled distraction, with some attributing sinister sabotage of the convention as a motive. Chris Rock's tweet of Mr. Eastwood to President Obama was "Everything went according to plan, Mr. President."

Left: Scott Bradley Gerhardt

Mr. Gerhardt was busted for violating a restraining order. There is a Washington County arrest of Mr. Gerhard the following day on the same charge and of a Scott B. Gerhardt, of Independence, for strangulation in July. A Mr. Gerhard's Facebook page, of a guy with the same age, says he was enrolled at OSU in Civil Engineering. The page suggests a thoughtful person, maybe out of his league in interpersonal matters, and a little too affected by a religious legacy.

Speaking of religious legacy, the pulpits in churches, monasteries and Mormon temples in small towns across the bible belt are thundering against New Zealand's decision to legalize same sex marriage. Today, a Catholic newspaper ditched an interview with a priest who works with the church's pedophiles after he said the kids were "seducers".


And speaking of strangulation, there were other cases, involving the cops as well. In addition to a nurse being brutalized after challenging an officer's stop:

Left: Pamela Darlene Larsen
Ms Larsen was busted for giving false information to a cop. After a messy divorce last year, she was busted in Eugene with meth, and violating parole, which is likely why she lied to a cop. It was a time for lying, with Mittens Romney telling more to bring his total to 533 in 30 days. Pretty good. Where's are the cops? Same place they were when he was committing other crimes. Handcuffed by legislators marking anything the rich do, as legal.
Left: Mittens Romney

His VP is no better, with even the rabidly right wing Fox News saying Ryan's speech was "attempt to set the world record for the greatest number of blatant lies.". But there were kinder words. Reddit says "My favorite part of Paul Ryan's speech was when he talked about his upbringing. Hearing how he was carved out of a piece of pinewood by an old Italian man named Giappetto brought tears to my eyes."
Today, it turns out he just keeps lying. Last evening he told an interviewer he runs marathons and his best is "Under three, high twos. I had a two hour and fifty-something.". Now, the campaign is admitting he's only run one marathon, the Granny Marathon, 20 years ago, and he finished in over 4 hours. What sort of an individual tells lies about such things the public in general doesn't even care about?

Left: Alonzo Ambrose Korff

Perpetual sex pervert Alonzo Korff has been busted again, on public indecency and sex abuse. Mr Korff was also busted in March after a local woman reported that Mr. Korff  "had exposed himself to her after asking her 'for help with something'." Cops say this time Mr. Korff grabbed a woman's breast and exposed his genitals. Mr. Korff is Monroe's answer to Louisiana's Republican Senator David Vitter, the guy New Orleans hookers say dressed up in diapers when he was out cheating on his wife - oh, yes, that IS the wife who said iat the time of Bill Clinton's shoes, that if she were Hillary, she'd have "come away with a little something" after, a presumed reference to castration. Websites identify Alonzo Korff, same age, as having lived in Astoria and Las Vegas.

On a related topic, a respected medical journal released figures today showing that the Republican male's idea that women can not get pregnant from "legitimate" - aka forcible - rape is fake. 25,000 pregnancies occurred last year from rape.

Oh, and in other news from the Republican convention, the pretend "ship of state" - a yacht Mitt Romney was celebrating on today, flew the REAL flag to which the GOP gives allegiance as it rested at anchor - the Cayman Islands flag. That's where Romney hides his money to avoid the taxes due and it's was a world apart from the convention floor where Ron Paul delegates were screaming, literally, "FUCK YOU, TYRANTS!" after the Republican establishment rammed through a proposal that clearly lost on a voice vote, one designed to eliminate future Ron Paul challenges.

Left: that Cayman Island flag over Romney today

Above: Isaac Aguigui, his mugshot (left) and his photo at the 2008 Republican convention, where he served as a page. Mr. Aguigui was arrested today for murdering a fellow soldier and his wife to keep them from revealing a plot to murder Barack Obama and poison the apples of the Pacific Northwest, all financed by life insurance from the suspicious death of his own wife. Sounds wacky, but not any wackier than any of the other planks to come out of the GOP lately. In fact one of the delegates at the convention yesterday was tossed by the Republicans themselves after he threw peanuts at a black CNN reporter, live on TV, shouting "This is how we feed animals!" But that was just an ordinary event at the convention, where the Republican’s debt clock would be more honest if it were captioned by the RNC’s current slogan: “We Built It!” Except all the business owners who showed up to say "we built it" turn out to have been subsidized by the public.

Jesse Fordyce (above left) was sentenced to 30 days for a parole/ probation violation on stealing a car. Meanwhile, Mittens Romney (above right) stole 8 hours wages from each of hundreds of miners for a forced photo-op and his punishment was to get nominated by Republicans for their presidential candidate. As with everything else the rich do, there are no consequences. Worse, the company whose miners were forced to give up their wages for Romney, was the same company involved in the notorious Crandall Canyon mine in Utah which collapsed, trapping 6 miners:
"Yes, we were in fact told that the Romney event was mandatory and would be without pay, that the hours spent there would need to be made up my non-salaried employees outside of regular working hours, with the only other option being to take a pay cut for the equivalent timeYes, letters have gone around with lists of names of employees who have not attended or donated to political events...I realize that many people in this area and elsewhere would love to have my job or my benefitsAnd our bosses do not hesitate in reminding us of this. However, I can not agree with these callers and my supervisors, who are saying that just because you have a good job, that you should have to work any day for free on almost no notice without your consent. We do not appreciate being intimidated into exchanging our time for nothing. I heard one of your callers saying that Murray employees are well aware of what they are getting into upon hire, or that they are informed that a percentage of their income will go to political donations. I can not speak for that caller, but this is news for me. We merely find out how things work by experience.”
There were several cases of what the Republicans call illegitimate rape this week. One young man invited a couple home with

him after the bars closed, drank and smoked pot til the couple passed out, the local gazette reported. The male guest awoke, the report said, to the sight of the host carrying the woman to his bedroom, saying he was making her "more comfortable, then returned until the male guest fell asleep. In the morning, the young woman awoke to find herself in bed with the host, bruised and remembering vaguely having her clothes taken from her despite objecting to be unclothed. The male guest awoke and hurried her out, discovering that she was bruised, and, the report said, there was a semen match to the host when the cops investigated. Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan, of course, wants to make it a felony for women to take the morning after pill in such instances, even in instances of violent rape - which he calls a "method of conception". That's not too surprising from a Party whose officials have several times decried this summer the "tragedy" of giving women the vote. And telling New Mexico's governor that, because she met with native American community leaders, that she is "disrespecting" the memory of George Custer - that's the Custer part of Custer's Last Stand.

For those too young to remember the era before Republicans lost control, a woman wrote today of her experiences then:
"The theory was that by inserting the wire through the cervix, moving it around a bit and then removing it, an infection would result and the pregnancy would be aborted. It worked. It was March 1967..."

A generic man for specific rape: New Rule of Politics: If you’re a Republican running for Senate, just never talk about sex or anything related to it. You will do better pretending storks bring babies to worthy parents and/or welfare applicants.

Tom Smith is running for Senate against Democratic Sen. Bob Casey. An intrepid Associated Press reporter decided to ask the candidate what he would tell a family member who was raped about his desire to see her keep the baby against her will. This is not a “tell me what happens during rape” question, nor is it a “tell me about Todd Akin without using the letter ‘e’” question. All Smith has to do is say something along the lines of “all life is precious” and he’s pretty much homefree.

MARK SCOLFORO, ASSOCIATED PRESS: How would you tell a daughter or a granddaughter who, God forbid, would be the victim of a rape, to keep the child against her own will? Do you have a way to explain that?

SMITH: I lived something similar to that with my own family. She chose life, and I commend her for that. She knew my views. But, fortunately for me, I didn’t have to.. she chose the way I thought. No don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t rape.

SCOLFORO: Similar how?

Just you wait.

SMITH: Uh, having a baby out of wedlock.

SCOLFORO: That’s similar to rape?

SMITH: No, no, no, but… put yourself in a father’s situation, yes. It is similar. But, back to the original, I’m pro-life, period.

You put yourself in a father’s situation? Like the father of the child with the woman he raped situation, or the father of the raped woman? It would just be handy to know how to properly confront your raped child, because it’s a topic not often confronted in most parenting books.

“Dad…I was raped.”
“How much is this gonna cost me?”
“I…what?”

“Do you love this guy? You gonna marry him? How much am I shelling out?”
“Are you listening to me?”
“Oh, I suppose you’re going to want a registry with your little rapey friend now.“
Healthy, well-adjusted children come from healthy, well-adjusted families that equate rape to pretty much any inconvenience ever.


oops. The report of a sniper on the Empire State Building who had wounded 9 people proved a lit bit of an exaggeration. The guy just went postal, shot and killed a coworker. Actually, it was the police responding who shot the 9 bystanders, the cops admitted today.

Right: Michael Felix Sandoval

Mr. Sandoval has been released, with a long history of arrests for theft, parole violations, etc., often related to a Sodomy 1 charge. In other states, Sodomy 1 is a rape charge, involving either minors or "legitimate rape" - as the Republicans call it.
There has been a swirl of controversy this week around the statements of various leading Republicans, including their vice presidential candidate. One leading Republican Party talk show host, Joe Scarborough, complained "I am tired of being the Party of Stupid"" (so change your allegiance, Joe). The problem is not only, as some pointed out this week, that the Republicans have cultivated ignorance, whether on issues of rape, gender and race equality, climate change, or sexual preference. The problem is that those Republicans who can read, have certain preferences which are themselves questionable. For example, the doctor whose "research" article has been relied upon by this week's goats, Sen. Akins and Paul Ryan, to fortify their anti-choice legislation, is  “The Indications for Induced Abortion: A Physician’s Perspective,” by Dr. Fred Mecklenburg. Mr. Mecklenburg based his article upon "research" conducted in the Nazi death camps by doctors who were tried at the end of WWII. Seven were hanged. Many of the rest were given long prison sentences for the research which has since been labeled as cruelty in the name of "pseudoscience".

But Republicans have long embraced their theories. And worse. In June, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney attended a $50,000.00 a plate dinner at the mansion of Harlan Crow, decorated with paintings by Adolf Hitler and sporting a signed copy of Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler.
On the other hand, there are Republicans who swear that The Flintstones is actually a documentary. Maybe Mr. Scarborough is right and there is nothing as sinister as appears in these rich old white men. Maybe they are just stupid. And greedy of course. As Time wrote this week: " the Akin-King statements and, indeed, the Akin abortion amendment that Paul Ryan supported (and which made a distinction between “forcible” and other sorts of rape) point to a larger Republican problem: it has become a party that, at the grass roots, celebrates ignorance."

Above left:Neil Devito, and right: John Nichol

Ever since the collapse of the global economy due to massive, reckless, multi-trillion-dollar "me-first" gambling on an institutional scale, Americans have been clamoring for prosecution of the powerful people whose greed caused this whole mess. And finally, we're getting it: law enforcement has, at long last, arrested the guys who take old cardboard boxes from out back of Wal-Mart. No longer will average Americans like the Wal-Mart corporation have to wait for Big Cardboard Thievery to pay for its heinous crimes:
New Yorkers, thirty-four-year-old Neal Devito of Old Bridge and 38-year-old John Nichol are charged with theft, fencing and conspiracy. It's not clear whether the men have lawyers. When can we move onto the "top of the pyramid", guys—the old women who dig in trashcans for recyclable cans? Americans demand justice.

Above Left: Brandon Wayne Sanchez; above right: Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan

Mr. Sanchez was being held on a rape count, 2 counts of sex abuse and attempted sex abuse and coercion. Cops say he handcuffed and raped an 11 year old girl and molested a 5 year old boy. His release followed the declaration by a leading Republican that pregnancy in the "legitimate rape" of a female is impossible because "the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." Rep. Todd Akin, the Republican candidate for the Senate in Missouri, evolved that theory with Republican vice- presidential candidate Paul Ryan last year in the debate on an anti-choice bill. They "evolved" a re-defining of rape between them. They probably "evolved" it in a cave. Release of Mr. Sanchez followed shortly thereafter. Coincidence? Sure.

But Why is everybody so down on rape? This is what Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee wanted to know today, on his radio program, which also featured Rep. Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin as a guest. For instance, did you know that Ethel Waters was conceived when her mother got raped? Do you know what a world without rape would look like? A world without Ethel Waters, that's what. This is what Mike Huckabee said today.

And the spokesman for the right wing Christian American Family Association chimed in on behalf of Mr. Akin, taking an oath on Holy Jeebus that there is no way a raped woman can ever become pregnant.

And another Republican Congressman, Iowa's Steve King, who wanted to legalize pit bull fights to the death, piped up today and said it's a proven fact that teens raped by adults can't get pregnant. And then a deputy for the Republican ideal of a sheriff, Joe Arapaiao, reported that she was ordered to "botch" a case involving a 13 year old raped by her uncle, one of over 500 such sex crimes "botched". Never happened, because it can't happen, say Republicans. And now the never- happened case is likely going to cost Phoenix tax payers $30 million. And now the Republican Party is expected to adopt as part of its platform: "criminalize everything from IUDs and oral contraceptives to IVF and stem cell research."

Republicans have been making all these claims for 20 years. Where do the Republicans keep finding these people? There must be money to be made from those freak shows.
The point is not lost on the nation's satirists:
Though she was initially upset following the brutal sexual assault last month that left her pregnant, victim Martha Byars told reporters she was relieved Sunday to learn from Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) that her ability to conceive her unwanted child proves she was not, in fact, legitimately raped.

“Being violently coerced into having sex was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, so I take comfort in knowing it wasn’t actually rape,” Byars said of the vicious encounter in which she was accosted in an alleyway by a stranger, pinned to the ground, and penetrated against her will for 25 minutes. “It was absolutely horrific—I felt violated in the worst way imaginable—but thanks to Congressman Akin, I now realize it must, at some level, have been consensual after all.”

“Thank God for that,” Byars added. “I’m so relieved to know that my child’s father, the man who muffled my screams as he forcefully penetrated me over and over and left me hemorrhaging to death on the street, is not a rapist.”


Right: Dusty Risland, busted 10 times since November.

About the Risland Rehab Clinic
Dusty Risland, for whom the Risland Rehab Clinic (see above) is named, is back in jail. Mr. Risland was recently busted for criminal trespassing, criminal possession of a forged instrument (counterfeit $20), felon in possession of a weapon and meth. The Dusty Risland Clinic mentioned in this column is strictly online, consisting of repetitive viewing of the video below, until the technique is mastered. The assumption of the Clinic is that there is a small subset labeled criminals who actually just do not know how to change their adult diapers when they full and are showing up, bewildered, seeking police assistance. That is the only possible explanation a rational person could come to. NOBODY could POSSIBLY be so stupid and inept, as criminals, as people like Mr. Risland pretend to be.

Note: there are several sleazy websites across the country posting mugshots, utilizing photos owned by the public, in the public domain, all run by Portlander Kyle Ritter, which will remove your mugshot for $39 or such from their sites. This is not one of them. Do not send in cash trying to have a mugshot removed. It would just be a waste of your time and your money. Instead, put your time into turning your life around. And your money into your kids.

Week of Aug. 16

 CHRISTY'S CRIME BEAT:   
 
THE MEANEST, NASTIEST ARCH-CRIMINALS THIS SIDE OF ALICE'S RESTAURANT

 
See archives from preceding weeks here.
This Week's Terrible
Crimes:
Above left:Neil Devito, and right: John Nichol

Ever since the collapse of the global economy due to massive, reckless, multi-trillion-dollar "me-first" gambling on an institutional scale, Americans have been clamoring for prosecution of the powerful people whose greed caused this whole mess. And finally, we're getting it: law enforcement has, at long last, arrested the guys who take old cardboard boxes from out back of Wal-Mart. No longer will average Americans like the Wal-Mart corporation have to wait for Big Cardboard Thievery to pay for its heinous crimes:
New Yorers, thirty-four-year-old Neal Devito of Old Bridge and 38-year-old John Nichol are charged with theft, fencing and conspiracy. It's not clear whether the men have lawyers. When can we move onto the "top of the pyramid", guys—the old women who dig in trashcans for recyclable cans? Americans demand justice.

Above Left: Brandon Wayne Sanchez; above right: Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan

Mr. Sanchez was being held on a rape count, 2 counts of sex abuse and attempted sex abuse and coercion. Cops say he handcuffed and raped an 11 year old girl and molested a 5 year old boy. His release followed the declaration by a leading Republican that pregnancy in the "legitimate rape" of a female is impossible because "the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." Rep. Todd Akin, the Republican candidate for the Senate in Missouri, evolved that theory with Republican vice- presidential candidate Paul Ryan last year in the debate on an anti-choice bill. They "evolved" a re-defining of rape between them. They probably "evolved" it in a cave. Release of Mr. Sanchez followed shortly thereafter. Coincidence? Sure.

But Why is everybody so down on rape? This is what Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee wanted to know today, on his radio program, which also featured Rep. Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin as a guest. For instance, did you know that Ethel Waters was conceived when her mother got raped? Do you know what a world without rape would look like? A world without Ethel Waters, that's what. This is what Mike Huckabee said today.

And the spokesman for the right wing Christian American Family Association chimed in on behalf of Mr. Akin, taking an oath on Holy Jeebus that there is no way a raped woman can ever become pregnant.

And another Republican Congressman, Iowa's Steve King, who wanted to legalize pit bull fights to the death, piped up today and said it's a proven fact that teens raped by adults can't get pregnant. And then a deputy for the Republican ideal of a sheriff, Joe Arapaiao, reported that she was ordered to "botch" a case involving a 13 year old raped by her uncle, one of over 500 such sex crimes "botched". Never happened, because it can't happen, say Republicans. And now the never- happened case is likely going to cost Phoenix tax payers $30 million. And now the Republican Party is expected to adopt as part of its platform: "criminalize everything from IUDs and oral contraceptives to IVF and stem cell research."

Republicans have been making all these claims for 20 years. Where do the Republicans keep finding these people? There must be money to be made from those freak shows.
The point is not lost on the nation's satirists:
Though she was initially upset following the brutal sexual assault last month that left her pregnant, victim Martha Byars told reporters she was relieved Sunday to learn from Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) that her ability to conceive her unwanted child proves she was not, in fact, legitimately raped.

“Being violently coerced into having sex was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, so I take comfort in knowing it wasn’t actually rape,” Byars said of the vicious encounter in which she was accosted in an alleyway by a stranger, pinned to the ground, and penetrated against her will for 25 minutes. “It was absolutely horrific—I felt violated in the worst way imaginable—but thanks to Congressman Akin, I now realize it must, at some level, have been consensual after all.”

“Thank God for that,” Byars added. “I’m so relieved to know that my child’s father, the man who muffled my screams as he forcefully penetrated me over and over and left me hemorrhaging to death on the street, is not a rapist.”

There were multiple arrests for drunkenness this week in Corvallis, none of which compared to the bust of 32 year old lab worker Coley Oneal Mitchell (below, center), found drunk and half naked with 2 of the monkeys in his care. You have to agree that the lab worker had more rapport with his simian co-workers than did his managers, who caged them continuously.

Lab managers say the monkeys were fine, but Mr. Mitchell works for Georgia Health Services, in a part of the country where a leading politician has admitted that for many Republicans,  "your first girlfriend is a mule", and your second is a watermelon. You might jump to the conclusion that sort of explains Mitt Romney's choice of mate. You'd be wrong. His family isn't from Georgia, but Mexico, where his grandpa had run, to build up a fundamentalist Mormon cult, with half a dozen "wives". They weren't his sisters, which precludes a Georgia background.

And we had a couple of MIP (minors in possession of alcohol. That brings to mind this week's news that liquor control officials busted shopkeepers selling alcohol to minors. As part of the "sting" operation, minors were given fake licenses clearly showing they were under aged, with photo ids of Billy, from the King of the Hill TV series.

Left: Billy's photo on an id card, used in the sting

Sigh... if people aren't even going to try...

Left: Destiny Damewood

Philomath's Ms Damewood has a long history with law enforcement and has been busted again, for meth, pot, etc. Here is the blurb on the occasion of her last arrest:
"Developmentally challenged: Sean Cerruti and Destiny Damewood . Mr. Cerruti was arrested again, as was Ms Damewood. Ms Damewood's photo is from a posting on Facebook of a woman same age, same location. Mr. Cerruti has a long history of drug offenses locally and Ms. Damewood was featured in an article about her first date with a local man. Here's the news story from 3 years ago:
'Police reports indicate that Philomath couple Levi Daniel Rariden, 24, and Destiny Damewood, 22, had an eventful first date the night of Nov. 9.
The evening started at 8:55 p.m. when Damewood reportedly crashed her car into a fence post and then landed in a ditch at the corner of Fern Road and Southwest Airport Avenue.
Rariden picked her up and drove her off.
The couple returned to the intersection just as sheriff's deputies were interviewing witnesses. One of the witnesses identified Damewood as the driver of the crashed vehicle.
Damewood was arrested for DUII and reckless driving as well as an additional charge for operating an unsafe vehicle. A breathalizer test indicated that her blood-alcohol level was 0.15 percent.
Deputies at the scene asked Rariden also to take a breath test. Although he refused a breath test, deputies at the scene determined he was "extremely intoxicated" and also arrested him for DUII and reckless driving.
According to the report, Damewood told deputies that she and Rariden were on their first date.'

Ms Damewood has yet to live up to the potential of her name. "Destiny Damewood" - that has connotations of arch-criminals Bonny and Clyde, don't you think? Or at least a Goth novel? With a film version, starring "DESTINY DAMEWOOD". Instead, she's driving cars into ditches with local drunks and now getting busted for sheltering a guy like Mr. Cerruti (Mr. Cerruti was busted again earlier this week, incidentally), who flunked out of Crime School ten years ago. The public could save money by hiring a drama coach for her. At least we'd get to see some REAL entertainment instead of all this pap she's providing us with."

Right: Sahal Mohammed Abdi

Above: The Abdis in Corvallis have been a perpetual embarrassment to the community. Sahal was busted this week on a violation of a release agreement. He was busted in a robbery of locals involving a home invasion and sawed off shotgun, cops said. Cops also said he was busted for stealing lap tops in a series of incidents state cops said were "associated with methamphetamine use". Suldan (above left) was busted when bystanders saw him dragging a woman back into a 2nd story window "with blood stained hands", a woman who proved to be his wife, as well as for a later assult charge. Sadia (above right) was busted for burglary and a violation of parole/ probation. Farhiye (above center) was busted for harassment. Abdi is a Somalian name, in origin. It is extremely rare for clans from the Middle East to have such a litany of crimes in Corvallis, but the Abdis seem long ago to have gone a different path.

Left: Angel Armando Perz

Mr. Perez, a longtime priest in Corvallis, was busted in Woodburn after the underwear-only priest chased a boy down the street. The boy said he had escaped after "awoke during a sleepover at the priest's house to find Perez touching his genitals", having pulled the child's underwear down and started taking photos with his cel phone. A local micro-biologist and lay criminologist has suggested that every sex criminal should be required to dress in the clothes of a Christian cleric, so we may know them when we see them.

In related news of wierdos chasing kids, lispy former Assistant Attorney General Andrew Shirvell, who is absolutely not gay, will have to pay $4.5 million in damages just because he stalked, harassed, and obsessively chronicled the private life of former University student body president Chris Armstrong (Gay-Go Blue!). Naturally, he plans to appeal the verdict. Shirvell isn’t going to just lie there and take this punishment like some sissy bottom. “It’s absolutely, 100% outrageous,” he told the Free Press. “It’s way excessive.

“The whole case is about politics. Every conservative Christian in the nation should be scared from this. This is the radical homosexual lobby trying to make an example out of me. Every conservative Christian in the nation should know that they are going to come after you if you object to their lifestyle, that they are going to crucify you in the public arena.” The crucifixion is a metaphor Shirvell goes back to quite a bit. How Jesus was beaten and abused, his taut body stripped naked and left hanging on the cross…

And so Andrew Shirvell has resisted, with great internal fortitude, the radical homosexual lobby’s efforts to recruit him to their erotic immoral homosexual lifestyle. He also made it his life’s work to protect other impressionable young men from Armstrong’s seductive powers. Mainly by picketing outside the undergraduate’s home and saying he is a “privileged pervert” exactly like a Nazi in every way. You’d think the authorities would give Shirvell a medal for bravely protecting naïve and smooth undergrads from Armstrong’s insidious recruiting techniques, but no.

Instead, the Godless secular government says Shirvell has to pay several million dollars for “harassing” Armstrong. Why doesn’t anyone understand that Shirvell is the real victim? Chris Armstrong’s very existence is harassing poor Andrew Shirvell! How is a nice Christian boy, alone in his bed, supposed to sleep when he knows somewhere in the world Chris Armstrong might be nakedly grinding his body against another man? It’s enough to make Andrew Shirvell so furious that he feels like he could just explode.

Left: Daniel Leroy Norris

Mr. Norris's family had decided to stage an "intervention" with him over his wooing a 15 year old, and as they were doing so, a cop burst in on the scene in Portland after the "intervention" was reported by neighbors as a domestic disturbance. Mr. Norris was subsequently busted for kissing and fondling the teen and having her post sexual pictures of herself.

Update about the north Albany guy who was gunned down in a shootout which wounded 2 officers, Demecio Cardenas: The condition of the Benton County sheriff's sergeant wounded in a shootout with a suspect in Benton County Saturday night has been upgraded from "serious" to "fair," a hospital spokeswoman said.

Left: Demecio Clarence Cardenas

Jennifer Nitson, a spokeswoman for the Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center in Corvallis, confirmed Wednesday that Sgt. David Peterson's condition has improved.
The suspect, identified by authorities as Demecio Cardenas Jr., is still being treated at OHSU Hospital in Portland. State police said Cardenas was hit "multiple times" during the shootout and was listed in serious condition at the hospital.
Mr. Cardenas is an average Albany resident  a fugitive from justice. He is wanted in California for violating parole on a car theft charge. He was driving a car stolen from Salem when the gunfight occurred.

Left: Jeffrey Wane Jackson

Mr. Jackson has been busted in Corvallis alone some 7 times in the past year for heroin related offenses, this time near a school. He's quite clearly an out- of- control junkie (are there are other kinds?)
Heroin addiction was once largely unknown in Corvallis as in many communities, but has been fueled, experts say, by the production of the related synthetic opiates, like oxycontin, which are said by experts to be more addictive than either heroin or meth. The reason heroin and meth remain illegal, as is pot, is because literally anyone can produce them, whereas the synthetics require the laboratories that only Big Pharma can afford. The result is catastrophic. Sciota County has declared a public health emergency because 1 of 10 babies are born addicted to the prescription drug oxycontin. Prescription

Above: Artist Bryan Lewis Saunders conducted an experiment in which he took drugs and did self portraits. Above are meth and oxycodene. See the others here.

drugs account for more overdose deaths than heroin or meth. Increasingly, these deaths are school children - it's not inappropriate that Macaulay Culkin, star Home Alone - is addicted to oxycodene AND heroin (we now know WHAT exactly he was doing home alone and why the people showing up at his house were always low lifes). Methadone, twice as addictive as heroin, is humorously posed as a "cure" for heroin addiction. It is, in fact, a large source of the income, via CRC, of the Republican candidate for President, even when it entails wrecking communities. The hactivist Anonymous today took down CRC's website in protest.

Left: the city's biggest drug trafficker, John Stewart, CEO of Purdue Pharma. The head of the drug cartel is named Stewart, not Guzman

Connecticut's Attorney General said Purdue Pharma, maker of oxyciontin is aware of the addiction issue but does nothing beyond "cosmetic and symbolic steps". Purdue Pharma pleaded guilty to misleading the public about Oxycontin's risk of addiction, and agreed to pay $600 million. Its president, top lawyer, and former chief medical officer pleaded guilty as individuals to misbranding charges, a criminal violation, and agreed to pay a total of $34.5 million in fines. In addition three top executives were charged with a felony. Purdue Pharma even gives out party hats to doctors willing to prescribe the drug. In Sciota County, the public health officials say 90% of all drug overdoses are from prescription drugs. The War on Drugs is a War for Monopoly on the Production of Drugs by international corporations and as such, deserves not one penny. Mr. Jackson obviously needs help, as do hundreds of Vicodin users in the city. He's a sick man, but sickness isn't supposed to be a crime. His crime is that he doesn't own the legislature to buy himself immunity, as do some (hint, hint). But now we're talking about public healthcare, which is another issue entirely.

But honestly, who is going to be surprised to learn that corporations are poisoning the nation as surely as junkies like Mr. Jackson? With immunity? And it's hardly new. Bayer, so heavily involved in the production of genetically engineered crops, like the canola being unleashed on area organic farmers, sold heroin, at a time when heroin was beyond the reach of anyone but corporations, as cough syrup for children in Corvallis a century ago.

It gets worse with these corporations. As the brother of a dead woman today wrote his family's story: "If you are insured by Progressive [Insurance Co.], and they owe you money, they will defend your killer in court in order to not pay you your policy."

Left: Bayer even marketed a Spanish language version of their heroin for kids
Above: Andrew Connally (Oregon State Police) and David Peterson (Benton County), shot by Demecio Cardenas

Note: The north Albany low life who was gunned down in north Albany after shooting 2 cops has been identified by the state cops as Demecio Clarence Cardenas Jr , formerly of Long Beach, Norwalk, LA and Compton, Californiia

An Albany woman called 911 to report a guy she knew armed with a gun was in her backyard. The man reportedly left in a possible stolen green 1994 Acura Integra two-door displaying Oregon license plates. Law enforcement agencies in the area were notified to be on the lookout for the vehicle that was subsequently confirmed stolen out of Salem. BCSO spotted the vehicle about eight minutes later and it attempted to elude deputies along Highway 20 into rural Benton County.

At approximately 10:37 p.m., the driver lost control of the vehicle at the intersection of Independence Highway and NW Springhill Drive where he abandoned the vehicle and fled on foot into heavy brush north of the intersection. Officers responded to the area to assist BCSO and established a perimeter to try and contain the suspect driver. A Salem police canine unit came to the scene to assist in finding the suspect.


As the search team with the canine started searching the area before midnight, the suspect emerged from the brush and was encountered by law enforcement officers. During the encounter, shots were reportedly exchanged between the suspect and law enforcement. During the exchange of gunfire, BCSO Sergeant David Peterson and SPD Corporal Andrew Connolly were shot. The suspect was also shot multiple times. A SPD patrol vehicle was also hit by several rounds.

Law enforcement officers from BCSO, Albany Police Department, Corvallis Police Department, Polk County Sheriff's Office, Linn County Sheriff's Office, and Salem Police Department were at the scene. Adair Fire Department personnel were also in the area. Two officers, including Sergeant Peterson, shot their firearms during the incident. The second officer is identified as Benton County Deputy Gregory Goller, a 3 Â1/2 year BCSO employee.

Left: Raymond James Lataille

Mr. Lataille was busted on a parole/ probation violation for meth and holds from Albany and Polk County for being a felon in possession of a weapon. Mr. Lataille is on Polk County's Most Wanted list for Delivery of methamphetamine, felon in possession of a weapon, possession of meth and possession of a controlled substance.. He was busted here in May on multiple counts. Lataille is a French reference for a size; it does not mean, contrary to superficial appearances, an ass in French. You could argue that it's beginning to mean that in English, thanks to Mr. Lataille's efforts, but that would be a judgment call on your part.

We've said it before: to effectively stop crime in Benton County, we need only erect a toll bridge coming from Linn County and charge $500, a sum which can be applied to their bail when the inevitable occurs.

Local cops found a Philomath man with a patch of pot when the guy accidentally "butt-dialed" 911. The pot grower had a license to grow for local medical pot users and his papers were in order, so the cops just asked him to make the dialing mechanism on his phone was shielded in future. That's a better outcome than elsewhere, when a guy in a drug deal butt dialed 911 and the deal was recorded in its entirety and the GPS tapped to ensure his arrest.

How's that War on Drugs going America? I

Phones were not the only battery technology in the news this week. Tragedy struck yesterday when city officials shut down a vibrator giveaway sponsored by Trojan. The condom company planned to give out 10,000 of their new vibes from pushcarts at three tourist-heavy locations: Rockefeller Center, South Street Seaport, and the Flatiron District, which is near The Frisky’s offices. New Yorkers congregated for free $40 Trojan Tri-Phoria vibes (two thumbs up, says I!) or a free $30 Trojan Pulse. Yet less than an hour into the event, an unnamed city official pooh-poohed the crowds and told Trojan’s Pleasure Carts to pack up and go home. Horny area woman Linda Postell was irate about the shutdown, huffing to The New York Post, “I’m 57-years-old. I should be able to get a vibrator! I have a problem with the smoking ban and the soda ban — and now this!”First they came for the smokers, and I did not speak up because I was not a smoker. Then they came for the soda drinkers, and I did not speak up because I don’t drink much soda.

But if you are going after sex toys, New York City, then YOU ARE MESSING WITH THE WRONG WOMAN.

Right: Keith Allen Newsome

Mr. Newsome is another Linn County gift. He's been busted there for driving while suspended, DUII, driving uninsured, trespass, mischief, theft, theft of services, on many occasions, over many months and was involved in a stabbing:
"According to a police report, Dixon, who had been drinking and was upset with Newsome, entered a neighboring apartment and forced out the occupant, Melissa Meacham, leaving Dixon alone with Meacham's 1-year-old child. Meacham and Newsome unsuccessfully tried to talk Dixon out of the apartment.
When Newsome entered the apartment through an open window, Dixon attacked him with a knife."


Mr. Newsome was busted in Corvallis this week while apparently participating in an armed drug ring:
"An officer stopped a driver who was known to have a suspended license. The man had a .25-caliber semi-automatic handgun in a holster on his ankle. He did not have a permit to carry a concealed weapon. Keith Allen Newsome, 25, of Lebanon, was arrested on charges of unlawful possession of a firearm and driving while suspended. His passenger, Whitney Bogart, 19, of Lebanon, was arrested on a charge of possession of methamphetamine after a digital scale with white residue was found in her purse."

If ever there was an inept criminal deserving of the Risland Clinic Scholarship award for probable bedwetters (see below), it is Mr. Newsome. If these people would only find it within to forgive themselves for what is usually a deep seated and correctable psychic or physical condition, they wouldn't be perpetually finding excuses to seek the police out, likely for help in changing their Depends diapers. You CAN learn to do it yourselves and save the public the expense.

These gun fetishists are a public disgrace. In Canada, 2 teens handing out complimetary tickets to the Canadian equivalent of the Pendleton Roundup encountered a U.S. cop who wrote the local paper, which reported the incident: "Wawra and his wife were suddenly confronted by two men who stepped in their path and, "in a very aggressive tone," demanded to know if the couple had "been to the Stampede yet" (the city's annual rodeo, which celebrated its centennial this year).

"We ignored them," Wawra writes, but "the two moved closer, repeating: 'Hey, you been to the Stampede yet?'" That's when the 20-year police force vet got angry and "quickly moved between these two and my wife, replying, 'Gentle-men, I have no need to talk with you, goodbye.'" Walt and Debbie then continued on their way, leaving the Stampede Brothers behind looking "bewildered."But what if they had done more than simply ask the same question twice and then move on? What then? Wawra reflects and concludes:

I speculate they did not have good intentions when they approached in such an aggressive, disrespectful and menacing manner. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ they did not pull a weapon of some sort, but rather concluded it was in their best interest to leave us alone.
Would we not expect a uniformed officer to pull his or her weapon to intercede in a life-or-death encounter to protect self, or another? Why then should the expectation be lower for a citizen of Canada or a visitor? Wait, I know - it's because in Canada, only the criminals and the police carry handguns."

Canadians haw- hawed themselves to breathlessness at the jerk's reaction to being offered free tickets with comments like "U R now the biggest laughing stock in #Canada. Plz don't pull out your gun and shoot all of us." It's no wonder physicians are urging the country to begin treating gun fetishism as a STD - a socially transmitted disease. As if you need any illustration, an idiot shot himself in the butt accidentally in a crowded movie theater today when he dropped his loaded handgun inadvertently.

Unfortunately, Mr. Wawra's paranoia is not confined to U.S. tourists on the Canadian side of the border. An innocent deaf woman in Tacoma, Washington says that police shocked her with a Taser and then put her in jail for almost three days with no interpreter after she called 911 to report a guest had attacked her in her own apartment.


This all stems from that psychotic "war on fear" that George Bush launched. Like the Chinese film says, maybe we should have "bombed anxiety first and worked our way up".
 

Left: Dedrick Lamar Thomas

Mr. Thomas is back in jail on another DTC/Assault charge. Mr. Thomas was arrested in April last year, and in May and June of this year. He was busted last year for bravely assaulting an older woman, injuring her head with a head butt and her hand. A real loser. He was also charged in a shooting at a club in Hobbs, New Mexico, although police said they lacked the evidence to charge him with murder rather than assault. Mr. Thomas told a Corvallis court that he had agreed to testify in the case and that the New Mexico cops were no longer asking for his arrest. The New Mexico warrant was subsequently and mysteriously dropped. That's something his buds in Texas will be interested in hearing. And it's a far cry from the hostile reception whistle blowers in the finance industry are getting.

The name seems damned. Dedrick Thomas, same age, was busted for drugs in Lubbock, Texas, 2 years ago, and Dedrick Lamar Thomas was convicted of attempted murder in Michigan in a drive by shooting, with his appeal denied in 2005.

But before we begin making definitive judgments about Mr. Thomas, let's consider a more fair handed approach. Murder has been legalized for some, long ago. Today, the news broke that "Wells Fargo fired an employee because his daughter needed an expensive cancer treatment, according to a lawsuit filed. Wells Fargo fired mortgage consultant Yovany Gonzalez three days before his daughter Mackenzie was scheduled to get cancer surgery in August of 2010, the lawsuit states. According to the suit, the hospital canceled the surgery because Mackenzie no longer was covered by health insurance." Mackenzie is now dead. The difference between Mr. Thomas and Wells Fargo, and the insurance company and hospital for that matter, is that Wells Fargo owns not just the private prisons (see below) but also the legislators who write the laws defining which behavior is a crime. They thus profit both from the crimes of others, and also from their own "not-crimes". The news this morning that Goldman Sachs is escaping from a life of crime without consequences only further reinforces the image that many of the kids have growing up in these little Republican sh*tholes like Philomath or Albany - and especially Texas, where their parents wander down to the polls and vote for known criminals every few months: that life is a free for all, with the stronger allowed to steal or even murder with impunity. And to be the stronger, you just need a gun. The Law has become contemptible, and only in communities with a strong sense of responsibility to one's neighbors, will people find any respite from sociopaths.

Left: Melena LaVoughan Loftis

Ms Loftis is Philomath's version of Wile E. Coyote.  Ms Loftis has been a cartoon figure of the stature of Wile E. Coyote, involved in a series of puzzling accidents over the years. In 2005, she was the victim of a hit and run driver while bicycling in Philomath in broad daylight. In 2008, she inexplicably "fell from a second-story apartment balcony " and landed on her head, on 5th street. Like Mr. Coyote, she didn't let the setback get her down. She apparently lived in Arizona for a while and that may have further exacerbated the criminal influences she undoubtedly encountered  growing up in Philomath.  She has been busted this time for domestic assault, harassment, etc. She has a history with the local cops for domestic abuse of one variety or another.

Right: Dustin Craig Nissen

Mr. Nissen has been busted in Corvallis on burglary, failure to register as a sex offender, failure to appear on earlier charges, and strangulation. He is from Lane County, where he was also busted for strangulation as well as for meth, being a felon in possession of a weapon, assault, etc. We seldom extend the Risland Clinic scholarship (see below) to anyone not a local resident but Mr. Nissen qualifies for the free adult diaper training provided to all bedwetters.

Left: Donald Eugene Duck

Donald Duck was charged with "Abandoning a Boat" on Wednesday, downgraded from an earlier assault charge. Cops say they make up names to test systems, in this case a change from Touchpay Payment Systems to Turn Key Corrections for the bail system. ""We make things up like that in our jail management system so we won't be messing with someone's records," cops say.
Turnkey is the benign end of the private prison industry, providing bail arrangements, inmate commissary funds, and also partnering with CBM Management to provide inmate meals across the country. The 2 are simply a means for the financial giants to skim taxpayer funds. In instances where CBM provides meals, well- heeled inmates like drug dealers can arrange for steak and the like rather than the standard inmate meals. The skimming is actually preferable to the rest of the for-profit prison industry, which has been held responsible for rampant corruption and sex abuse. Wells Fargo's GEO is the bottom of that barrel. The same ineptness by the corporate sector is also true of for-profit universities, of course, where $32 billion in annual taxpayer subsidies has resulted in a dropout rate so high as to be lampooned in the comic section of today's newspapers.

Left: The ineptitude of for-profit colleges is being lampooned in the comic section of newspapers


It can cost a hell of a lot to be poor. From residential motels that charge by the week (but don’t require a deposit) to rent-to-own furniture stores and predatory used-car loans, there is a thriving segment of the market dedicated to charging poor people a premium for stuff that would otherwise not be available at all.

Here's a tour of the double-markup inner-city bodegas of education, the for-profit college industry. Both business models are adept at converting their customers’ government aid — food stamps for the bodega, subsidized student loans and GI Bill benefits for the colleges — into tidy private profits. But where the bodega is typically owned by recent immigrants living in the neighborhood, for-profit schools are hugely profitable enterprises owned by investment firms with a well-organized lobbying arm. (Korean grocers beware: Goldman Sachs probably has you in their sights next.)

Here's a survey course — Intro to Scams — of the interconnected tactics and loopholes that allow operators of for-profit college to make a killing. In a grimly evolutionary sense, it’s kind of inspiring: Who would have thought someone could get rich selling higher education to people who have neither money nor a sound educational background, with schools where the failure rate is 80% — twice as high as in traditional colleges and universities? Cue Jeff Goldblum: Capitalism finds a way.

Those seeming disadvantages become opportunities for profit when a college’s primary goal is not the inculcation of knowledge, but rather the extraction of money, and recruiters don’t mind tossing aside pesky concerns like “ethics.” There’s actually pretty good money to be found in low-income students: paradoxically, their lack of resources qualifies them for some sweet loans and grants from federal education programs, as much as $100,000 for a student pursuing a bachelor’s degree. The money goes to the college, the debt goes to the student, and if students default on repayment — which they do at about double the rate of students in traditional schools — then ultimately goes to the taxpayer. We were moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this arrangement, and let out a respectful whistle. That’s some catch, that Catch-EDU.And what a merry bag of tricks some of the more creative schools have at their disposal! A Michigan 14-year-old who clicks on an online ad offering to help find money for college is called by a sales rep for Ashford University, who enrolls him and then forges the kid’s application for student loans, telling the boy that it would be best if he didn’t tell his parents so they can be surprised when he finishes high school and medical school at the same time. And after a year, when the kid refused to go along with the deception on the financial aid forms, “administrators miraculously discovered that he was under 18. Since this left him ineligible for federal aid, Ashford was forced to return his loan money to the feds.” The school sent the kid a bill for the $13,000 it had tried to borrow on his behalf.

Or how about Chris Pantzke, a head-injured Iraq-war veteran who was convinced by a recruiter for the Art Institute of Pittsburgh that a rewarding career in photography awaited him, and since he suffered from PTSD that made a traditional classroom setting impossible, why not take the entire program online? Talk about tailoring instruction to meet students’ individual needs! Except, oops, looking at a computer screen gave Pantzke migraines, one of his classes was “taught” by an instructor who was not actually able to get online for much of the course, and the promised assistance for disabled students simply didn’t exist — guess the buyer needs to beware, maybe. After PBS’s Frontline featured Pantzke in a segment on veterans and for-profit schools, Pantzke suddenly started getting A’s and B’s for all his work, regardless of quality, but after a car accident left him unable to type, Panzke dropped out altogether. By that point, Parker notes, “he’d run up $26,000 in debt and burned through an additional $65,000 of his GI Bill benefit — with almost nothing to show for it.”

Right: Michael Lee Culpepper

Mr. Culpepper was sentenced today to 8 years in prison. Cops say that Mr. Culpepper, 21 at the time, is a convicted Hood River sex criminal who struck up a Facebook conversation with a 16 year old Arizona teen, pretending to be a girl named Talia. The Arizona girl fell in love with Talia, and then Mr. Culpepper began writing too, claiming to be a friend of Talia, who instructed the teen to begin an S&M correspondence with Mr. Culpepper and to send him sexually explicit photos, which she did. When she turned 18, the Arizona teen moved to Corvallis to live with Talia, who left her a note saying that she, Talia, had to go into treatment and the teen never heard from her again.
But she did hear from Michelle, Talia's sister as well as from Tasha, Mr. Cuplepper's sister and Michelle's girlfriend and 3 guys named Tom, Bob and Sam. Tom began to demand sex pictures, threatening to turn the True Love Talia into the cops since the girl was only 16 when she started sending sexually explicit photos. The Arizona teen sent over 200 sexually explicit messages to the crowd, say the cops, many of the messages detailing her being a minor at the beginning. She then began reflecting on the fact that when she was speaking with Talia, Talia's voice would often break and sound like a male's, and an ankle locket with a padlock that Talia had sent her, somehow ended up with the key being in Mr. Culpepper's room. By the end of their investigation, the cops had decided that the entire crew of youths was the product of Mr. Culpper's imagination and had never existed. He was charged with 5 counts of ID theft, one of coercion (due to the threat to turn the nonexistent Talia over to the cops) and one account of involuntary servitude.
In Oregon, involuntary servitude results "if the person knowingly and without lawful authority forces or attempts to force the other person to engage in services by:
(a) Abusing or threatening to abuse the law or legal process;
(b) Destroying, concealing, removing, confiscating or possessing an actual or purported passport or immigration document or another actual or purported government identification document of a person;
(c) Threatening to report a person to a government agency for the purpose of arrest or deportation;
(d) Threatening to collect an unlawful debt; or
(e) Instilling in the other person a fear that the actor will withhold from the other person the necessities of life, including but not limited to lodging, food and clothing."

People - look - I don't know how much more bluntly I can put this: Stop with the n00ds. You know how nerds are always saying "information wants to be free"? What they mean is that pictures of your sex parts ("information") want to end up duplicated endlessly across the internet, forever, where they will be found and masturbated over by the grossest people you can imagine ("free"). Racy digital photographs will get you in trouble, at some point.

On that subject of id fraud, one tech company has claimed that 80% of the clicks on ads, which is where Facebook gets its revenue, are fraudulent clicks by "bots" rather than real people. Facebook themselves say there are 83 million fake accounts on Facebook. These aren't just the porny spam accounts who message you because they saw your profile, dear, and you are most truly the one to make the happiest of ever after days. These are also duplicate accounts — which goes against Facebook policy and is a really sneaky way to cheat at FarmVille — and pet accounts. Listen, your cat lacks opposable thumbs: you're not fooling anyone.

And then, of course, there's the daily frauds being uncovered in Mittens Romney. Another author has said today that Mr. Romney couldn't have read the book he cited - because he attributed things not in the book to the author -  who then repudiated the faked attribution. Mitten's pretending he reads something other than the Book of Mormon and the police reports on his fundraisers. The latest of the latter, at least, is not a homicidal rapist (see below) but instead is being investigated for laundering the drug profits of a Mexican drug cartel leader. Oh, and his property tax bills - Mitt or some one reads the property tax bills because he has claimed that the value of his $12 million beachfront house fell 45% in value 8 months after he bought it, in an attempt to avoid property taxes. Yes, that's the one with the $55,000.00 car elevator, presumably so he or his wife need not walk the dog as far from its tying post on the roof of the car.

Mr. Romney and his ilk live by a different set of rules than the rest of us. They are a shady bunch and occasionally one of them is held accountable. One of his fellow Republican candidates is actually running for the Senate in Oklahoma, from a jail cell. He's the best of the lot, according to the guy's "secretary/fiancee", Sunshine (his publicity manager is probably named Bunnie and his spokeswoman is probably named Tiffany or Yvette). He's more in need of a bail bondsman than slogans, and his only platforms are the heels sported by Sunshine. But he's got "connections" and will likely be bailed out in five.

Left: Joshua Robert Kay

Mr. Kay, above, has been busted for heroin and being a felon with a weapon. The irony is intense. Mr. Kay won an appeal in 2009 because cops had searched a backpack in his car and found meth, which they incorrectly inventoried as heroin. Mr. Kay is from Newport, and was arrested there on a separate occasion when he arrived to buy heroin from a group of cops in the midst of a drug bust. No one ever said he was smart.

It's been a week of driving carelessly in Corvallis, as was the case last night on Hwy 20, when a drunken Portlander, Biet Nguyen, flipped his car and spun down the road before being smashed into, and sending the other driver's vehicle into flames. But it's Oregon and occasionally even the most foolish among us catch a break. Contrast that with Texas, where Chance Bothe texted his bud: ""I need to quit texting, because I could die in a car accident" just before he drove off a cliff.


Right: Dusty Risland, busted 10 times since November.

About the Risland Rehab Clinic
Dusty Risland, for whom the Risland Rehab Clinic (see above) is named, is back in jail. Mr. Risland was recently busted for criminal trespassing, criminal possession of a forged instrument (counterfeit $20), felon in possession of a weapon and meth. The Dusty Risland Clinic mentioned in this column is strictly online, consisting of repetitive viewing of the video below, until the technique is mastered. The assumption of the Clinic is that there is a small subset labeled criminals who actually just do not know how to change their adult diapers when they full and are showing up, bewildered, seeking police assistance. That is the only possible explanation a rational person could come to. NOBODY could POSSIBLY be so stupid and inept, as criminals, as people like Mr. Risland pretend to be.


Note: there are several sleazy websites across the country posting mugshots, utilizing photos owned by the public, in the public domain, all run by Portlander Kyle Ritter, which will remove your mugshot for $39 or such from their sites. This is not one of them. Do not send in cash trying to have a mugshot removed. It would just be a waste of your time and your money. Instead, put your time into turning your life around. And your money into your kids.

Week of August 2

 

Left: Harlene Rae Kerlee
Left: Ms Kerlee's lookalike, superstar singer Janis Joplin, Died of drug overdose, 1970

Ms Kerlee has Philomath connections. She's been busted for violating parole/ probation on a meth charge, and has a history of arrests. Her nondescript appearance may be deceptive. On several "prayer sites", Mark Wells writes "She does confess Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. " Uh huh. So did the Colorado Springs megachurch's Pastor Ted Haggart, between snorting meth and meeting (male) hookers.
He also writes "she has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, severe PTSD and HIV. She sees, hears and talks to "so called" spirits. Im positive they are demons. She is 38 and has been bound up since birth, (her mother was into witchcraft and committed suicide when she was 14). People around Corvallis treat her poorly and steal from her."

Uh huh. Listen, Mark, we don't know about the facts here, it's all so sad, but if she had something of yours, and claims it was stolen... Mark, she's a tweaker. She hangs out with tweakers. Tweakers USUALLY steal things.

Ms Kerlee does seem relatively nondescript, but that's been a characteristic of women in crime this week. The FBI has even named one of their bank robbery suspects the "Plain Jane" bandit,. linked to six California bank robberies since mid-July. Four of those took place within the same twenty-four hour window, when other, more beautiful robbers were out on dates. The FBI reports that the Bandit with a Really Awesome Personality robs banks by simply walking up to a teller and demanding, either verbally or with a written note, that they hand over some cash. She also indicates that an accomplice is waiting for her outside the bank. Probably just because she wants the teller to think she has a boyfriend; since no such person has been picked up by surveillance footage at any of the robberies. Even if the accomplice did exist, he would probably just like her "as a friend." The Bandit Whose Face Doesn't Have, Like, Anything Wrong with It, has been described as a Hispanic female with a height of 5'3" - 5'5" (the average for an American woman) and a weight of 150-170 pounds (the average for an American woman). She's estimated to be between 35-40 years old—not old old, but not young either, you know what I mean? No offense. Her getaway car is a perfectly nice silver four-door.

Right: John Forrest Washington

Mr. Washington, also of Albany, may need a serious reality check, before things escalate further. He was busted 3 weeks ago for felony assault, tampering with a witness, strangulation, etc. Yesterday, he was further busted for trespass, arson, etc. Mr. Washington, you're 32 years old. Quit acting like an infant in a rage. Only bad things happen to enraged toddlers in adult bodies. Cops say Mr. Washington "told the Corvallis Police Department at 5:12 p.m. Friday that his former business partner, Justin Soares, had stolen engine parts in June from their former business, a large shop attached to a rental house on the 200 block of Southwest Cummings Avenue. ...after police told Washington that it was a civil issue, not criminal, he reportedly became unreasonable, uttering profanities and making “hypothetical threats that he was going to go to Soares’ residence, break-in and take his things.”
At 10:15 that same night, Soares reported to police that someone (he suspected Washington) had vandalized the shop that he owns and had shared with Washington. Soares reported that Washington was angry because he had been evicted. Police found fire damage, as well as several threats with expletives spray-painted on the walls. A Corvallis fire investigator confirmed that a garbage can had been lit on fire using gasoline, and that an electrical panel also had been set on fire."


According to an officer’s affidavit, Washington admitted to causing the damage

And what else was set on fire today? A portly Christian neckbearded gentleman with a pink shirt and a blowtorch set fire to a box of Honey Nut Cheerios to show General Mills that he does not care for its gay-friendly policies. It did not go quite as brilliantly as he planned, thanks to wind and highly flammable sugar. And then he took his panicked  family and hightailed it, leaving the fire raging behind him. But what else has been set on fire lately? Well, what hasn’t? We are going to assume that the mosque that was burned to the ground in Joplin, Missouri, this morning was also just a fun protest prank gone awry, and not at all deliberate arson as was ruled on the mosque’s previous fire, just five weeks ago.

Left: Jason Leonard Corona

It's actually rare for Latin or African (or Asian, for that matter) Americans in Corvallis to be busted. Something about the cultures, you probably are suggesting. But this week is an exception. Kinda:  Mr. Corona is from Albany, not Corvallis, and he was arrested on a warrant for him from there, for violating parole/ probation. Mr. Corona was busted in 2004 for pistol whipping an 18 year old boy for "messing around with his girlfriend". In the course of the beating, the victim tried to slap the gun out of his abuser's hand, and the gun went off. The gun was a 9 mm semi automatic pistol, the #2 most popular gun among criminals when made by Ruger, the #6 most popular when made by Smith & Wesson, and the #8 most popular when made by Bryco.

Right: Samuel Moses Van Dyke

Mr. van Dyke was sentenced to 2 days for going into someone else's car car and stealing. Sam Van Dyke was a high school track star from Philomath. Philomath - that's 1 strike against him, since nearly every criminal in the county jail who's not from Linn County bears the name of Risland or is from Philomath. It's a way of life there. Being African American in one of these little remaining Republican hell holes like Philomath - strike 2. Then, after high school, Mr. VanDyke's Facebook page says he went to work for Vector Marketing. STRIKE 3.
Vector Marketing, a front end for the cutlery company Cutco, preys upon students with mass mailings promising high wages to those willing to work hard, which turn out to be not true. Instead, Vector exploits the friends and

 families of those who apply and leaves them - at best - often penniless and sometimes in debt. And usually without friends or family yet willing to speak to them. The Attroney Generals of Arizona, Wisconsin and even Australia have charged Vector with fraud, and only the corporate winks of Oregon's Attorney General allow it to continue operating here. There are countless web pages devoted to Vector, and a dozen youtube videos, all with the words Vector and scam in the title. There is even a student organization, Students Against Vector Exploitation (S.A.V.E.). You'd think the Better Business Bureau would take the issue up, except now we know, from 20/20 reports, that the BBB is itself a scam.
Mr. Van Dyke's tweet says "Difference between right & wrong, yall make it to complex.."
 It's not so complex, dude: stay out of cars that don't belong to you. Don't walk off with things that aren't yours. Move out of Philomath and those issues of Right and Wrong will seem much less confusing to you.

Left: Ray Leslie Graeber

If Mr. Graeber strikes you as a typical meth addicted burglar guy from Linn County, you're right. He's from Lebanon, where he was busted for meth, burglary, etc. and now in Corvallis has been busted for violating his parole/ probation on a meth charge.

This was, incidentally, also a week for stolen Siberian huskies in Corvallis. Cops were called to recover a stolen Siberian huskie puppy named "Mo" at Adair.  Mo had been stolen in San Jacinto, California, the night before, cops say. Student Jordan Biggs was jailed for refusing to turn over a found huskie claimed by a guy she says abused the dog.

Left: Jordan Keyea Biggs

Dog crimes were in the news elsewhere across the country this week. For instance, you know how it’s awesome to be cruel to animals? And how it is not at all worrisome when adolescents or teenage boys get all horny torturing cute things, and it in no way portends (probably both causally and effectively, as they become desensitized to the pain of others) that they will become mass murderers? That is because it says right in the Bible we have dominion over the beasts and the frogs or whatever, so that means we should punch kittens in the face and strap razors to chickens’ claws and then watch as they murder each other! Well, Republican Congressman Steve King is in full agreement, and would like to take some of the burden off fine citizens whose only crime is keeping dogs in a crate and mistreating them until they’ve become disassociative and then turning them on each other, to the death.Yes, it’s people who outlaw dog-fighting, or want to make it a crime to take kids to see dogfighting, whose priorities are out of wack, yes indeedy! And not, say, Steve King, whose greatest hits include trying to stop the feds from cracking down on cockfighting and dogfighting, in addition to about a hundred other votes where he basically slaps animals in the face with his d*ck (with a razor strapped to it), because the Bible and Michael Vick told him to.

Penises seem to have figured prominently in this week's crime news, all over the world. The resident of a small village near the eastern Chinese city of Wenling claims he was asleep in bed when a posse of robbers broke into his home, mutilated him and and stole his penis. "They put something over my head and pulled down my trousers and then they ran off," 41-year-old Fei Lin is quoted as saying. "I was so shocked I didn't feel a thing-then I saw I was bleeding and my penis was gone." Though police have no suspects currently in custody, their working theory is that the man was assaulted by a group of cuckolded men who suspected the villager was having an affair with their wives.

On a similar and only superficially more humorous note, Colorado Springs' Christian televangelist pastor Kevin Swanson has called for the death penalty for the Muppets after their creator Jim Swanson cut ties with Chick-Fil-a when the latter's creator admitted to funding anti-gay campaigns. "A Christian perspective ultimately brought the death penalty upon homosexuality between roughly 350 AD and roughly 1850 or so, for about 1,500 years that form of life had pretty much been eliminated except here and there, it was in the closet, but it was almost unheard of for over 1,000 years, until recently. Of course, now you have a massive, massive increase in this kind of thing. I say this is a really bad idea for somebody to stand up against the laws of God. Realize that this is a brave venture, this has been about a 30 year plan, a 40 year plan maybe, to completely consume America with a pro-homosexual agenda... A frog filet, by commemoration of Kermit the Frog pulling out of his support for Chick-fil-A. Dave, you know that Sesame Street and the Muppets are going to take the sodomy route. " .

Left: Kermit the Frog: "Going the sodomy route", deserves death, charges Christian pastor

U.S Christian pastors have already been held responsible for laws giving gay people death penalties in Uganda. Kermit?!?

And there are three “Christian” pastors who want the courts to invalidate the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Hate Crimes Prevention Act because “thought crimes,” so they filed suit with the total asshole Thomas More Law Center, saying basically “WAH, Orwell and stuff! Animal Farm! Two legs bad! We will not be able to urge the stoning of homosexuals as prescribed in Leviticus!” and the court was all “yeah, idiots, you do not have standing to sue to overturn this law unless you are actually wanting to drag a man behind your car? You do not actually want to drag a man behind your car, do you? You just want to say hateful shit? STILL PROTECTED, and you got no standing to sue.” (The court did describe the “Christian” pastors’ speech as “hateful” before noting that about two thirds of the country was at that precise moment standing in line at Chick-fil-A and stuffing the word in the memory hole.) You know who else got put to death in Leviticus? EVERYONE. For EVERYTHING. Like, "Sassed your mom? Sassed your slave owner? Cut your beard and whatnot? Ate a lobster? Didn't finish your peas? THAT'S A STONING!" Good times, Leviticus. Good Christian times.

Oh, and sandwiched in between the news is a late breaking report that 54 year old Jack Schaap, another pastor of a megachurch, has been fired for sex involving a 16 year old girl in his congregation. Where's the Leviticus?

But sometimes even the yokels have had enough. "Asheville, NC, is one big reeking “cesspool of sin,” according to North Carolina State Sen. Jim Forrester, one of the chief backers of that state’s idiotic ban on gay marriage and all civil unions. But apparently hordes of street evangelists heard about it, and so they descended on Asheville’s annual Belle Chere music and arts festival to save some souls. Astonishingly, many of the filthy hippies attending the fair did not take very kindly to being told they were going to hell, leading to scenes of lewdness, depravity, and gleeful trolling.

According to Christian News Network, “the event has become more perverse with each passing year.” Asheville resident and evangelist Tom Pethtel, spurned by the heathen crowds, described festival-goers as having “an underlying real dark feel to people’s reaction when they hear people preaching or when someone tries to hand them a Gospel tract.” Another, missionary Jesse Boyd, expressed incredulity that Americans in large groups could be drunken louts, even when offered the precious gift of salvation by a man shouting at them through a bullhorn:

“I really believe I can understand just Lot’s vexation as described in II Peter 2:7-8. Last night, I attempted to preach on the love of God as displayed toward us in Christ. The crowd became so vile that it seemed as if such had already been given over to a reprobate mind.”
A number of brazen hussies responded to the preaching by flashing the evangelists with a wicked display of their dirtypillows, while “men would walk around in their underwear or completely naked.” Unspecified “public sex acts” also occurred, and “other lewd acts were performed in front of women and children.”

The report also claims that members of the crowd assaulted several preachers while police stood by doing nothing; Jesse Boyd and another unnamed evangelist claim that a police officer told him that the chief of police had given orders telling officers to not intervene. When the two “expressed concern” about the lewdness and assaults, the officer supposedly told them “Don’t come back to Asheville.” Despite the inflammatory nature of this assertion, no sources other than the Christian News Network have as yet mentioned it, and it does not appear that even their reporter, Heather Clark, bothered to ask the police department about the alleged order. She does dutifully pass on that Boyd and the other evangelist say that a police commander “advised that North Carolina has no laws against public drunkenness or toplessness, and that if any of the Christians attempted to defend themselves against assault from an event-goer, both would go to jail.” Good solid reporting! Clark does manage to identify one incident that might be an assault: “a senior citizen was seen attempting to cover a woman walking around topless, but several officers restrained her from covering the woman.”

We do, of course, stand solidly behind the people selling “Asheville: Cesspool of SIN” T-shirts, and the gentleman trolling the evangelists while wearing a traffic cone on his head. And given fundamentalists’ masochistic desire to see the rest of the world as wicked filth — “it was a true joy to preach with dear brothers in Christ and to stand alongside men of God in the face of pure evil,” said Jesse Boyd — we can only conclude that continuing to jeer at them is a pretty good deal for everyone.

Right: Clifford Allen Sizemore

Mr. Sizemore also comes to us from Linn County - of course. He has been busted for failing to appear on charges of stealing cars, drugs, etc. Prior busts have been for driving after his license was revoked, etc. The poor slob was likely damned at birth, since the name Sizemore is known in this state as being the moniker of criminals, the most notorious being Bill Sizemore, the Portland Bible school graduate who was the front man for the assaults on teachers waged by the extreme right wing over the past decade, until his convictions on tax evasion and racketeering charges. We've spoken before in this column of a local lay theorist's hypothesis that we all come to resemble our name (his favorite example is the rock star osteopath Harry Oxenhandler), Mr. Sizemore certainly fits the bill. These Sizemore criminals even LOOK alike. If this were Arkansas or Mississippi that would be a probable and sometimes even legal occurrence, but in Oregon, it is something to remark upon.

It's not rare to see Republican candidates busted but the real outrage is when they are not. For example, Minnesota's Republican candidate for Senate has been shown to be running a scam called Genesis Foundation, was created to provide tuition for children attending Cornerstone Schools, a system of "nonprofit schools" Durant co-founded in Detroit. But tax returns showed that about 95 percent of all funds donated to the charity go directly to Durant and his daughter, Hope Durant Loomis.

Left: Jennifer Amy Walling

Ms Walling is another gift from Albany. Linn County, together with the Rislands and Philomath, provide 95% of our county jail inmates. We've said it before - Corvallis pays our cops for protection and the best way to provide it would be toll bridges at the river, charging, say, $500 to cross into Benton County, money which would be applicable to their bail when the inevitable occurs. The County Commissioners need to act on this! It would lower law enforcement costs by reducing the number of criminals Albany residents  visiting, right off the starting line.

Right: Omolara Lynette Opeifa

Yes, the cops say they're still busting hookers. Actually, they're still busting the SAME hooker. In January, cops pulled over a guy who hadn't signaled and the driver confessed he was driving Ms Opeifa to an ATM to get $250 for sex. The cops arrested her but not the "john" due to his "cooperation", cops said. Ms Opeifa has a long history with cops, for meth, id theft, theft, theft of service in Eugene and Salem and now again on a Marion County prostitution hold, in Corvallis. You know you're a long ways from Nevada when the news is that a hooker visited your town - twice in the past year. And Ms Opeifa - and her customers -  should be aware by now that the arrest is so rare in Corvallis that anytime she drives a street in Corvallis with a guy, the cops are going to recognize her and pull her over.

Ms Opeifa, you could have learned a little from Scottish immigrant Anna Gristina, in the news this week for providing pinup models and children for sex to leading business and political figures at very expensive rates, in the U.S..

Right: Anna Gristina

 Among those alleged to have provided cover to her are cops, politicians and Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News. Ms Opeifa, you might have enlisted Mr. Sandoval or Mr. Smith (below) for the kiddie sex part and to her credit, she has done neither. We already have too many predators in town. It could be worse. It could be Florida:

Uh. Happy Sunday, everybody? Good news? Ronald William Brown, a very nice man who loved to hang out with children from his Florida trailer park, and buy them pizza, and watch over them at Sunday school, and be the puppeteer on a Christian Television Network show (above!), was not able to realize his fantasy of abducting one of said children, strangling him, and frying him up in a pan for eating.
U.S. Department of Homeland Security agents who searched his home found lewd images of children bound and gagged, a flier for a missing child and “images of children that appear to be deceased.”
According to the affidavit supporting the criminal complaint, Brown told agents that he and Kansas resident Michael Arnett, another alleged child cannibalism enthusiast, “did discuss killing, dismembering and eating” a specific boy at Gulf Coast Church
 Lock up your children, everybody. There are Christians around.

But, Ms Opeifa, there are always corrupt political figures around offering the protection -and  just for future reference - the Republican Party is at 1760 SW 3rd Street and the Democrats are at 116 SW 4th. St.. Republicans are by their very nature at the beck and call of anyone with cash.  It's part of their platform.

Left: Jenna Jamison

Case in point: Porn uberstar Jenna Jameson today announced she's pulling for Mitt Romney because "when you're rich, you always pick a Republican". Before amassing her wealth, Ms Jameson was active in promoting causes benefitting most Americans.
With the Democrats, you just have to take your chances. But you can usually find someone overly impressed with money. In this town, even the Green Party city council members have always been stooges for developers.

Left: Michael Felix Sandoval

Cops say Mr. Sandoval was charged with burglary, theft and sodomy - again. Mr. Sandoval was convicted years ago of sexually abusing "the 12 year old son of his girfriend". He has been in and out of jail ever since on parole/ probation violations, theft charges, etc..

In other "sodomy" news today, Florida's Lieutenant Governor Jennifer Carroll is denying charges that she fired a staffer when the staffer walked into her office and found the lieutenant governor having sex with another female staffer - on the public's time, in the public's offices. The staffer has audio recordings of Ms Carroll and the other woman, a Christian minister. 

The absurd idea that Mr. Sandoval's sexual abuse of children could yield the same charge as gay people simply having sex doesn't seem to faze Ms. Carroll. The allegation couldn't possibly be true, Ms Carroll said: "The accuser is the one that's been single for a long time. So usually black women that look like me don't engage in relationships like that" [lesbian relationships].

Oh, and in other Florida news, that right- to- gun- people- down law is back in the news. Excellent, now even the “neighborhood crazies” have learned the Get Out of Jail Free code word for Stand Your Ground: “I was in fear.” Unfortunately for “neighborhood crazy” Kenneth Roop, there was a witness who saw him gun down a door-to-door salesman who had knocked on the door, found no one home, and was walking back down the driveway when Roop pulled up, asked him what he was doing there (selling frozen seafood and steaks) and then shot him. Oh, and as the salesman lay dying, he shot him again, in the back of the head. Good job, FLORIDA.

Also, a nearby deputy came on the scene as Roop was reloading in his garage, and held him at gunpoint until he could be properly arrested for being an insane person and homicidal maniac. As she did, he explained, quite properly, that after all he had three no-trespassing signs, and he was “in fear.” (He was also doubtless “in fear” the time he pointed a gun at a woman who wanted to read his meter.


In what we desperately hope is not a trend, another Florida idiot with a gun has shot someone in cold blood for the offense of coming to his door (although to be scrupulously accurate, the armed citizen in this case is not actually claiming a “Stand Your Ground” defense — yet). But unlike other unrelated shootings in post-racial America, the shooter was witless enough to say something openly racist, both to neighbors and to the sheriff who arrested him. And some relatively good news: the victim of this isolated incident is expected to survive, for a change.

This time around, the singular event (which we must note is unrelated to other recent shootings) occurred in the town of Port St. Joe, Florida, population 3,440. According to the police report, 59-year-old Walton Henry Butler, a resident of an apartment complex, had earlier that day “made several racial remarks to the black children in the apartment complex.” After another resident complained that Butler had called her child a nigger, the victim, Everett Gant, 32, went to Butler’s apartment to talk to Butler about the incident. Butler immediately shot Gant in the face with a .22 caliber rifle, then “shut the sliding glass door with Everett Gant lying outside the door, called 911 then finished cooking supper, sat at the kitchen table and began eating.”
Upon his arrest, Butler, who acted alone in the isolated crime that happened to involve a firearm, "acted as if it was an inconvenienced [sic] when he was asked to stand up and handcuffs were put on. He said he did not understand the problem he had only shot a nigger."


But no one ever claimed that Floridians ever were smart enough to evade the Darwin Awards. Today, a Florida man's day went from bad to worse when he got his hand bitten off by an alligator and was charged with illegally feeding the animal. To be clear, 63-year-old Wallace Weatherholt's crime wasn't feeding the alligator his hand — that falls under the "unfortunate accident" defense. It was the fish he dangled from his hand in front of the 9-foot gator that led to his being charged (and, of course, having said hand bitten off).

And Speaking of Darwin Awards, a 23-year-old is in hospital today after suffering extensive burns following an attempt to delight party-goers with the ol' "firecrackers between the butt cheeks" gag. The low-rent pyrotechnician, who aptly resides near Darwin, Australia, was reportedly intoxicated when he decided to shove a firework up his bum and light it. "What must of seemed to be a great idea at the time has backfired, resulting in the male receiving quite severe and very painful burns to his cheeks, back and private bits" said Senior Sergeant Garry Smith of the Northern Territory Police. In addition to the physical injuries he sustained, the man might also be required to pay a fine for handling fireworks after July 1st — the only day Northern Territory residents can legally set them off.

Left: Jennifer Carroll

But, back to the topic at hand - literally - Florida has strict sodomy laws designed to suppress gay people without power, and only gay people without power. Instead of the lieutenant governor being charged, the accuser has been charged for making the recordings without permission.

In other Florida Republican court news, the former head of the Republican Party in the state affirmed in court today what many have said was true all along: "'whack-a-do, right-wing crazies' wanted to suppress the black vote through Voter ID and tactics like current state Gov. Rick Scott’s efforts to purge voter rolls....'“I was upset because the political consultants and staff were talking about voter suppression and keeping blacks from voting. It had been one of those days". Rush Limbaugh seconded the Republican decision by telling people to keep the date of the voting a secret from poor people. I don't think I've let fly in this column before with my Rush riddle: "What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and Hitler's blimp, the S. S. Von Hindenberg?" Answer: "One was a dirigible. The other is a flaming Nazi gas bag."

But it's not like everyone is closely following the election anyway. In the Southland, a Claxton, Tennessee man is accused of assaulting his live-in girlfriend over a photo of an unknown man he spotted on her Facebook page. That man? GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney. According to the Anderson County Sheriff's Department, upon seeing Romney's photo, Lowell Turpin, 40, "angrily demanded to know who the male was." Not mollified by the response, Turpin accused the woman of "attempting to communicate with friends through her Facebook account," and proceeded to throw her laptop against a wall and punch her in the face. But let's be fair to the guy: maybe she was sexting Mitt. And it's clear that Mitt would not have minded the face- punch. Republicans have stripped the Violence Against Wives legislation in Congress.

But there's far shadier things in Republican dealings this week, as it was revealed that the party officials and aspirants pushing for U.S. debt default have personally invested in "shorting" the debt and stand to make fortunes if the country defaults on our debt. But there was a lighter side to things too, as Republican Mitt Romney's disastrous trip to London spurred legendary U.S. Olympic athlete Carl Lewis to mutter on TV that "some people" should not be permitted to leave the country.

Oh... and the Florida crime news wouldn't be complete without the latest incident of a woman claiming to be a doctor so she could

Left: Shatarka Nuby

 host "pumping parties" and give "butt enhancing" toxic silicon injections which caused another woman's death.

Right: Kim Cheryl Zib

Ms Zib was busted on for racketeering, usually a charge reserved for gangsters, which s basically what the cops say she is. Cops say she was one of the top dogs in a ring using a Mexican grocery store as a front, and that she has been busted 7 times previously on felonies. A cop said as far back as May that "When he began to place her under arrest on accusations of possession, manufacture and delivery of a controlled substance for an incident which happened May 2, she attempted to run away and pulled her arm away when the officer tried to detain her. The officer forced Zib to the ground to take her into custody and in her possession was found: a day-planner and notebook with alleged drug-sales records; a glass methamphetamine pipe; multiple baggies containing what appeared to be meth, for a total of almost 7 grams; two plastic baggies with a black tar-like substance that appeared to be heroin, totaling .67 grams; various prescription pills, including Hydrocodone and morphine; and other items of paraphernalia and packaging materials." She's either a gangster or a pharmacy.  There's little difference these days, with the difference between Big Pharma (see below) and Ms Zib being the lack of protection she pays for - the legislators on her payroll, to ensure she's "protected" from the arm of the law. But you can't think of everything.

In other drug news, The public relations industry is dogged in its pursuit of money, a doggone shame, a hired gun without a dog in the fight, the crisis management version of hair of the dog. This is PR Dummies: watching corporate America rim dogs - which dogs do for themselves and one another, regularly, of course.
Pfizer has one of the largest marketing budgets in the world. One can only imagine how much they spend on consultants to strategically develop their online marketing campaigns. The email from our tipster read, in its entirety: "Our friends at Pfizer offer a fine product called Rimadyl. In order to market this product to vet clinics and canine lovers everywhere, they suggest you visit their website www.rimadog.com.
I think perhaps they need to send their marketing team to urbandictionary.com before they suggest people engage in this behavior."
And here it is. Rimadyl.com is also Rimadog.com. If you're not a Rimadog community member already, you can sign up to Rimadog.
That's Pfizer, the world's largest research-based pharmaceutical company. A name you can trust, when it's time to Rimadog.

So much for today's drug news. In other racketeering news, a Republican official in Arizona, where laws to outlaw Hispanic, Asian and black voting voter fraud are hot this year, a Republican sponsor of such laws has been called upon to explain how his wife has been voting for the last 5 years, since she's been dead all that time.

Left: Ryland Howard Smith

Mr. Smith was busted on a sex abuse charge, and cops say it involved a child under 14 years. He was famous in Eugene 16 years ago as he 15 year old member of a teen gang who called in pizza orders then robbed the drivers when they showed up. That free pizza and the few bucks carried by the driver is as far as Mr. Smith and his buds could fantasize at the time. Things haven't gotten much better since. He was busted recently for drugs and now this. Did you ever meet somebody who couldn't even get up on the morning and put their shoes on the correct foot? Case in point, here, and things aren't going to turn out anything but bad for Mr. Smith. His life will probably come to a premature end by getting run over while he's trying to hijack a wobbly chicken truck. A real dreamer.

Left: Aloysius Virgil Meshell

Mr, Meshell was busted for aggravated theft and a hold for Eastern Oregon Correctional Institution. He's been busted in Corvallis before, but in April was sentenced to 10 years in prison after he cut the throat of another guy in a Salem homeless camp and stabbed another.
The 2nd guy was stabbed when he came to the assistance of the first, which is a damned sight more than Colorado can say about Jamie Rohrs, who was in the Aurora theater watching Batman when the shooting broke out.  Dude completely bolted when the shooter showed up. He left the girlfriend there (with the kids) to fend for herself, then proposed to her

Right: Jamie Rohr

right after and she said yes. What the hell was she thinking? Marry the most despised man in the nation? The girlfriend was shot after being abandoned and a woman, along with a young black kid in a hoodie - both strangers - stayed with her and likely saved her life.

Above left: The week would be incomplete without one of the Rislands getting busted. Left and right: Tyson Risland from the side and from the front. Mr. Risland has been jailed almost a dozen times since last August. Together with Garth and Dusty Risland, he is the name sake of the Risland clinic (see below) for repetitively and astonishingly incompetent petty crooks and tweakers like themselves. Some weeks, all 3 have been arrested and sent to court (see clip below).

This week, Tyson is in jail for violating probation/ parole on a meth charge. Dusty was last in jail on a weapons charge. That's become typical in an environment where Republicans have championed criminals with guns.

Let's be slightly kind up front: when the stand-your-ground legislative movement was belched forth from the NRA's lobbying shop, the people who backed it no doubt had visions of armed citizens heroically fighting off dastardly attackers when the police couldn't. Probably they had spent a lot of time at the firing range, with their legally acquired, well-cared-for firearms, fantasizing about pumping lead into that guy who had mugged them and they had felt in fear of their lives, because they had been unarmed. But sometimes - and here we do not mean to shock your tender sensibilities - sometimes legislation does not produce the results its framers intend! For instance, Florida's stand your ground law has resulted in not only any number of heroic rescues of innocents (we're sure these are lovingly detailed on the NRA's website, go Google it yourself) but also a bunch of dudes with shady pasts and criminal records and guns shooting other people, who themselves are pretty shady! Has stand-your-ground just legalized sketchy people shooting each other? Looks that way!


And it's not just each other they're shooting in the south. A guy with a concealed gun permit shot himself, in the butt, while he was reaching for his wallet in - where else would he have been in Waco, Texas but - Walmart. An emergency crew rushed him to the hospital.

Emergency crews had a hard time of it this week, world wide. A crew struggled to reach a woman reported in distress in a rural river. 1000 people lined the riverbank in anguish as the crew braved life and limb to reach the drowning woman in the raging river. Finally, after nearly an hour, the crew was able to fish her from the river, only to discover that it was somebody's blow-up girlfriend. The police quickly showed the sex doll to the anxious onlookers, then hauled it/her away.
Left: the rescued blow-up girlfriend

Parents in the crowd covered the eyes of the kids and rushed them away.

Right: James Michael Garrett

Mr. Garrett has been busted for violating probation/parole on a coercion charge, which is usually reserved for cops and/or blackmailers. Mr. Garrett has left his mugshot in Salem and Corvallis, but was busted in Linn County and sent here. The tax evaders in Linn County have no money to staff their jails and Mr. Garrett's earlier charge was here. He's been busted for menacing, escape, assault, DUII, Resisting Arrest, Hit and Run, trespass, and now the PPS on coercion.
But coercion is the new Hotness, since the Republicans won control of the House. Darrel Issa, the Republican who led the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee to charge the Obama administration with contempt, is king of the coercers.

Left: Darrell Issa

A retired Army sergeant claimed that Issa stole a Dodge sedan from an Army post near Pittsburgh in 1971. The sergeant said he recovered the car after confronting and threatening him. In 1972, Issa and his brother allegedly stole a red Maserati sports car from a car dealership in Cleveland. He and his brother were indicted for car theft, but the case was dropped. That same year, Issa was convicted in Michigan for possession of an unregistered gun. He received three months probation and paid a $204 fine.
On December 28, 1979, Issa and his brother allegedly faked the theft of Issa's Mercedes Benz sedan. Issa and his brother were charged for grand theft auto. Issa accused his brother of stealing the car, and said that the experience with his brother was the reason he went into the car alarm business.A day after a court order was issued, giving Issa control of automotive alarm company A.C. Custom over an unpaid $60,000 debt, Issa allegedly carried a cardboard box containing a handgun into the office of A.C. Custom executive, Jack Frantz, and told Frantz he was fired. In a 1998 newspaper article, Frantz said Issa had invited him to hold the gun and claimed extensive knowledge of guns and explosives from his Army service.
In response, Issa said, "Shots were never fired."

But it was the folk singer Woody Guthrie who wrote that some people rob you with a six gun and some people rob you with a fountain pen. Back Alley Waffles spent only three months in business before closing, and they're blaming deals site Groupon. The whole story is there on the Back Alley Waffles site, which now includes a missive against Groupon. Due to the shocking business practices of an obscenity known as "Groupon"—contemptible even by the nearly non-existent standards of the modern corporation—I can no longer afford to sell waffles for $8.00 and still pay, for example, my employees something north of a subsistence wage. Waffles will now cost $450 and are served by appointment only : "I'd rather have my hand slammed in a car door than honor your Groupon coupons."

Above left: Gary Lee Goodwin is back in jail for parole violation on sex abuse charges. Mr. Goodwin had a hung jury in 2006 on charges of molesting an 11 year old girl in the family for 3 years, and ended up pleading guilty rather than face retrial. The entire thing was bizarre, with Mr. Goodwin's friend writing the judge that ""when women of the methamphetamine culture perjure themselves to 'use' the legal system for personal, financial reasons … In the case at hand a pernicious variation of this 'game' nearly sent an innocent man to prison for 132 years." That innocent man, presumably, was Mr. Goodwin himself. Before he changed his plea and was sentenced to 70 months in prison.
Mr. Goodwin's heinous crime was not alone in the news today. Mitt Romney's big Mormon fundraiser, Gregory Peterson (above right), was busted and accused of "kidnapping and raping several women that he met online and at his church." If rape charges are treated like income tax levies in the Romney campaign, Mr. Peterson will skate. Mr. Peterson's charges include when a "woman he met at a church function in 2011 agreed to go to a movie with him, but he allegedly forced her to go to his 3,000-square-foot cabin in Heber, Utah after telling her he had a gun. Peterson is accused of sexually assaulting the woman and hitting her when she didn’t follow his instructions."

Left: Gregory Peterson and Mitt Romney, from Facebook

"He is also accused of threatening to report a woman he met online for having an expired visa. He then allegedly drove her to his cabin where she was raped and assaulted. Peterson owns Peterson Wealth Management and the online trading website Smartstocks.com. He also holds an MBA in Finance & Entrepreneurship from Brigham Young University."
Coming on revelations that Mr. Romney was little more than a stooge for organized crime figures - some very violent - when he founded Bain Capital, and the revelation that he is meeting in Europe with major figures in the bank scandals there, to seek their backing, the news cannot be good for him. Now, all his experience boils down to crime - Bain and alliances cemented while at the head of the 2002 Salt Lake Olympics Olympics  -  which we now know to have been the most corrupt bid in history. John McCain called it "a national disgrace".

 

Week of July 31

 CHRISTY'S CRIME BEAT:   
 THE MEANEST, NASTIEST ARCH-CRIMINALS THIS SIDE OF ALICE'S RESTAURANT


 
Right: Jeremy Bret Nichols

Mr. Nichols has left his mugshot everywhere, mostly in Southern Oregon (he is on Josephine County's Most Wanted List) for meth and theft. Winner of another scholarship for the Risland Clinic (see below). He has been busted several times locally, and this time, his parole/ probation is being revoked.

Left: David Newman Powell

Major screw up David Powell is back in jail, with cops accusing him of failing to show up for a court hearing on 3 counts of ID theft, entering somebody else's car, theft 1, theft 2, etc. Cops say that in February he stole a purse from someone's car then used her Visa card. He was involved in a drunken hit and run a couple of years ago, police say and at the time he was from Roseburg. Cops say that a few months later, he stole a metal lock box from his own brother. Go back to Roseburg, David. Hasn't it occurred to you yet that you can't make it here either? If your going to try to make a living outside the law, learn to walk and steal gum at the same time. Mr. Powell is another winner of this week's Risland Clinic Scholarship (see below)

Right: Royal Kurt Krueski

Mr. Krueski has finally drawn 30 days for assault, being a felon in possession of a weapon, etc. Mr. Krueski has left his mugshot all over the web in Oregon, from Medford to Washington County. He is most notorious for an incident in Medford: "Royal Kurt Kruesi ditched his pistol and led police on a three-block chase before he was caught hiding inside a gas-station Dumpster shortly before 9 a.m., ending his 30 hours on the lam, police said... Kruesi and Overby got into an argument over parenting techniques at a weekend party at Overby's house on West Eighth Street in Medford, police said. Several people tried to intervene in the loud argument, and finally Overby demanded that Kruesi leave, a police report said. When Kruesi refused to go, Overby tried to push him out of the house.
— As the two men struggled in front of the house around 3:30 Sunday morning, Kruesi pulled out a .22-caliber handgun and shot Overby in the chest...Medford police notified law enforcement across the nation about their search for Kruesi and a tipster in Klamath Falls notified police there Monday morning that the suspect was at a Klamath Falls motel. When officers went to check, they spotted Kruesi, who ran and hid in a trash bin at a nearby gas station". That's not really something that gives you bragging rights in the state penitentiary. Or even a local kindergarten.

Left: Jasmine Breanne Roberts, from Facebook

Ms Roberts was busted for meth and car stealing. No mugshot is yet available but there is a Jasmine Breanne Roberts of the same age, from Spokane whose last Facebook entry from July 3, is "made it to oregan with travis:) love it so far its so pretty up here and seems like people are way nicer here." Travis is Travis "Beavers", to whom she says she is engaged. Beavers has a tattoo on his forearm, reading "Beavers" in large letters.

Left: Travis and Jasmine

Interestingly enough, there is a missing child alert for a runaway named Jasmine Breanne Roberts, of the same age and also listed as hanging out in Spokane, on the Post Falls, Idaho  police site, posted within the past year. The alert says of Ms Roberts that she that she "was last seen at her residence in Post Falls, Idaho. She has a history of runaway and is known to frequent the following Spokane areas: north Spokane, the Browns Addition and the Crosswalk Youth Shelter. At this time, no clothing description is available. Jasmine is known to associate with transients. She has a blue peace sign on her lower back. Her lip and nose are pierced."
Post Falls is one of those little Idaho towns where Mormons dominate (46% of all churchgoers) with all the pedophile Boy Scout scandals associated with Mormon Scouts,, and in fact it was the Mormon temple in Post Falls which triggered the controversy around Mormon habits of "baptizing" the unwilling dead with the baptism of Daniel Pearl (the Wall Street journalist slain in Pakistan). Their disenchanted kids turn to meth and the Post Falls police site is awash in runaways. The PostMormon organization is almost as act6ive as the Mormon church is, in the area.

It was a week when the local sheriff was handing criminals in finance Get Out of Jail Free passes. Reginald Mikel Williams, left,  skated on 4 charges of possessing or distributing cocaine and 2 counts of assaulting a police officer. That was unlike a host of others in the county jail but they aren't business students like Mr. Williams, either. That's one of the rewards for being even peripherally involved in the financial field. John Stewart (center) of Purdue Pharma, for example, which was held accountable by scientists for the city's ballooning heroin problem, is actually paid for his drug deals, which have triggered Sciota County in Ohio, for example, to declare a public health emergency because 1 of 10 babies are born addicted to the prescription drug. Connecticut's Attorney General said Purdue Pharma, maker of oxyciontin is aware of the addiction issue but does nothing beyond "cosmetic and symbolic steps".  The sheriff hasn't uttered a a peep in Mr. Stewart's direction, despite his responsibility for the city's burgeoning ranks of junkies..

It gets even more morbid. Mitt Romney (above right), unveiled today as a felon, has not only NOT been charged for his crimes but has been given the nomination for President of the USA by the Republican Party. That felony qwas committed when he declared he hadn't really - not REALLY - been the owner of a corporation which generated a profit by disposing of aborted fetuses. Ste-ricycle - you can only imagine WHAT they were "ricycling". And this is a man who panders to the most outrageous anti-choice groups in the country. Yes you heard it right - that's the same felon the losers who live in Philomath and Albany will vote for in November, and then spend the years afterward wringing their hands and pretending no knowledge of why their kids follow their lead and provide almost all of the criminals in Benton County's jail. And meanwhile, our sheriff will be silent on that felon too. As silent as Penn State was shown to be, today, in the report on the football program there, abetting the rape of kids, incidentally, in other crime news this week concerning the rich and/or famous..

Right: Loren David Downard

Mr. Downard has been busted again. He has been in the local jail before, most notoriously when he was arrested in a "domestic disturbance call. Loren David Downard, 38, of Philomath reportedly kicked in the front door of a residence. He also had five concealed knives on him. Downard was arrested on charges of menacing, criminal mischief and being a felon in possession of a restricted weapon." Mr. Downard says on his Facebook page that he is from Corvallis, but the obituary of his dad, the legendary Billie Loren Downard who founded Bug Werks many years ago - in the face of an attempted suppression by a major international corporation -, says Mr. Downard is from Philomath. Furthermore, Mr. Downard quotes the creed apparently passed to every Philomath resident: "Take pride in everything that you do! Even if you're a career criminal. Later in life when you look back upon some of the things that you've done and you're feeling ashamed of having done them, it will give you comfort when remembering the amount of pride you took in your work." That credo is printed right after "So, you got noth'in left? That doesn't mean that they will stop trying take things from you! No! They'll wait... And then?... Oh, thanks! We'll take that too! Fuck'in ruthless bitches!" Mr. Downard has been busted for violating a restraining order, and even for, cops said, stealing a text from the OSU library before walking over and trying to sell it to the OSU bookstore.

Left: Melena LaVoughan Loftis

Philomath's Melena Loftis is in jail again, for probation violation and harrassment. Ms Loftis has been like a cartonn figure of the stature of Wile E. Coyote, involved in a series of puzzling accidents over the years. In 2005, she was the victim of a hit and run driver while bicycling in Philomath in broad daylight. In 2008, she inexplicably "fell from a second-story apartment balcony " and landed on her head, on 5th street. She apparently lived in Arizona for a while and that may have further exacerbated the criminal influences she undoubtedly encountered, growing up in Philomath. But, it's useful to remember that in Philomath, people call the cops and demand the arrest of people, on harassment charges, for texting them. Next, the local Republican precinct chairperson will be demanding mandatory prison terms for people who "unfriend"  her on Facebook. At the expense of Corvallis residents, of course.

Right: Dustin Jeffery Hilsenbeck

Mr. Hilsenbeck - being held on a Marion County warrant - is a tweaker with a long arrest record, with mugshots in Salem, Clackamas County, Portland and now Corvallis, on a range of offenses from domestic assault and strangulation to reckless endangerment: Corvallis cops said in January, for example, that he "drove through the crowded Safeway parking lot at high speeds, yelling at customers. He then reportedly waved a wrench at another passing vehicle. Hilsenbeck was arrested on a charge of second-degree disorderly conduct." A year ago, Mr. Hilsenbeck was in the news when "Trooper James Ward responded to I-5 southeast of Salem. He found pieces of aluminum, fallen from a trailer and scattered across the freeway. Ward learned that a man driving a Ford Ranger pickup with Oregon plates had hit the debris, which flattened his right front tire. The man had gotten out of the pickup and angrily confronted the motorist whose rig had spilled the aluminum. The pickup's driver had pressed on with three good tires and a rim. Police dispatchers notified troopers to be on the lookout for the truck. A half-hour later, about 12 miles south, Trooper Jeff Freitag got a report of a man dousing his pickup at the Santiam Rest Area. When Freitag got there, the man was standing near his Ford Ranger, shouting at the crowd that had gathered.The trooper learned that the man had lost control of the truck as he pulled into the rest area and struck a Honda Civic and a Chevy Trailblazer, with a total of eight occupants. No one was hurt. Police arrested Dustin J. Hilsenbeck, 26, whose address was unknown. Hilsenbeck told the trooper he had been using meth and that he had poured gas on his pickup and was looking for a lighter when the law pulled up."
There is a Facebook page for a Dustin Hilsenbeck, from Milwaukie, Oregon, who looks remarkably similar to the man arrested in Corvallis. On the page, his post reads: "i want a fucking cigarrette, and to rip my wifes head off and shove it up her ass, would also like to know when the drill is, wrecked my car, nearly drowned in the ocean spent six days in a hospital, got lost in the woods and found a rifle." The page says Mr. Hilsenbeck is in the military and most of his "friends" on the page are in the Oregon National Guard. That isn't all that surprising. Half of all the sex criminals, for example, in the state penitentiary are veterans. The little bumper sticker "Vets R Heroes" must refer to sandwiches, and surely not to tweakers and criminals.

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